"I stopped explaining myself when I realized people only understand their level of perception."

1/10/21

M is back.

1/13/21

I almost cannot believe that was only three days ago. It truly feels like a life time. My nails are crusted with blood from mutilating my body. Even my toenaisl are so cut up from the constant picking that it hurts to wear sock, or even walk at all. My face is puffy because I have picked it so intenstly that chunks of skin are missing. My job is crumbling before my eyes almost as fast as my sanity. I havent been in a place like this, ever. I feel psychoatic, I dont know who I am or what I wil do. I just cant. I cant do anything, There was a moment after he got out that I felt strong but I think between losing him forever, losing Lauren the only person I truly had, and having my job increase the stress and expectations I have utterly snapped. So bad sometimes I truly consider admitting myself for a 72-hour hold. I think that would only make it worse. This is one of those battles though. These are my demons. I write about tenecious souls but where is mine? I know I am stronger than this. I know that life has proven to me that every time I fall I get back up even stronger. I have always had someone to lean on in a sense, I am not truly alone. No one is coming to save me, no fantasy in my head is even coming to save me. I couldnt tell you one thing I can think of that might even make me happy. I truly feel dead. This time it is in a self-destructive way though which is geenerally not my style. I think ultimately that is why even I am scared this time as I am falling down. Every light that is ever given to me goes out. No one stays. No one remains. No one is truly trusting. No one is real. Everyone wants you to be silenced. Silenced because you say the truth. Silenced because your damage and trauma is annoying, uncomfortable, or inconvenient. I never meant to be a mess. I just somehow always was and am...

I even get tired of saying it. Trust me. No one is as sick of the sob stories as me.

 

Sometimes I tell myself this happened to me because I am that special and that strong. I cannot tell normal people the total truth or I sound absolutely bat shit crazy. I cant tell someone that I would literally drive my car off of a bridge if I didnt beleive in God and my mother didnt ingrain in my brain my whole life how selfish it was. At this point though, God is the only reason. Even selfishness would have to mean that you have people. I have my mom and dad and for that I am grateful but they have their people. I have...no one.

 

I cannot tell people I am bleeding everywhere from self mutilation. You cant tell people you want to be bury alive for your birthday. You cant tell people that you havent showered in three days because it takes so much life to clean yourself. it also hurts because of all the open wounds. I always saw the future before. Some sort of a light, a glimmer of hope. I literally now only see blood and darkness. The only person right now that can truly hurt me is me. How long will I continue to hold the knife that stabs, slices, and robs me of everything my I have ever worked for. Everything I have ever suffered for. I remember crying. It almost makes me laugh. I can almost not even imagine what it may feel like to feel anything at all. I stand for hours and mutilate myself and stare at nothing. So much blood everywhere. This surely cannot be it. This surely has to be the kind of sick and demonic demonic turmulteous darkness that tries to take you to the devil when nothing worldy can. When the devil cannot get to you he doesnt send someone else, he send your own mind.

People want me to get therapy, see a trauma specialist, a dermatologist, seek any form of help. No one understands that no prince is coming. No night and shinning armour is going to swindle me up and bring me out of this turmoil. There is no king in this kingdom. The only one who can fight this battle is me. Most people will never know what its like to dance with your own devils. To look them in the eyes and wonder if that is truly your own reflection?

Later- technically 1/14 now 12:28 am

I think part of what scares me the most is how violently I am switching back and forth. If I am being honest. I fear the adderall is amplifying my own inherent mental sufferings. This was meant to be postive though. To remind yourself who you are. This is the light inside you talking; even if it is in a bit of a fucked up toxic kind of way. Even I’m truly mind fucked but in my own way, I truly love the game. I get bored. When someone challenges me I boss up. I’m challenging me. It’s time to boss up again. No one wins to you B, not even the demons that Walk your favorite graveyards inside your head.

 

It was this guys birthday and we have this bizarre idk what the fuck thing going on. Literally my kryptonite. He’s different. He’s a mind fuck but like in a good way. Really tripping me out. This guy could be the real deal. I’m hard to handle, I’m half of everything, I’m a spitfire but I’m also benevolent. It’s like we can read between the lines with eachother so well but also not at all. I wouldn’t say it’s helping with my disassociation issue but I’m also not hurting it either because I need a light. Even if it’s far away and even a little ducked up.

 

This guy, we will literally call him this guy. If someday he becomes my husband well then I better also be a New York Times best seller for this shit because damn I’m good. I called M before he was mine and a part of me wants to believe I can call my husband too. Part of me thinks maybe that was truly part of my self sabotaging nature, believing I knew..anything about the future.

Well this guy and I have been friends for a little over a month. We are completely platonic but in a facetious kind of way. It’s like we communicate in a weird way but we both get it. We can read eachother between the lines so well but then I feel so lost at the same time. I get bored so easy, this is literally my jam. I always say o want a nice guy but can I even have one? I truly wonder. I listen to the self help books on dating advice. EVERYTIME a guy does one of those healthy characteristics which builds a foundation for a healthy relationship I am unamused and quoted honestly, annoyed. Hit them with the block, self destruct, self sabotage but in a absolute zero desire for them kind of way. This guy said I have daddy issues. This guy says shit to me I wouldn’t let anyone say. It’s... very different.

Well it was this guys birthday on the 12th. He went Mia at work at 8:55 am. Literally cannot that I know the time I sent my last message bc this mofo hasn’t even read it. At least he hadn’t when I left work an utter mess earlier. He generally says good morning via phone and work and he sent me a good morning via phone but not work. I didn’t hear from this dude all day at work and we talk all day everyday. He had told me that he would be spending the day with his gf: it goes back to the weird read between the lines thing. I knew he was insinuating he wasn’t going to be able to talk to me much. I didn’t know he was going to ghost me 100 percent. He snapped me a few times today and I kept him on delivered just like his dumbass green icon was keeping me at work.

Last night, he posted on his snap story his gf at dinner. I felt like that was him sending a message, he knows I am a savage but that is pretty rough and he has yet to do anything like that. To me he was saying she knows and now I can’t talk to you. I’m okay with that. Literally. I need no one, let me be clear. And I will never again let someone be my number one while I forever remain cemented at number two. Not to alcohol, and definitely not to a girl. Especially when she’s vanilla and I’m Hershey’s chocolate.

 

he was long gone to me. I had already cancelled him and had his less than a second funeral. I don’t get dubbed like that. It was laughable. I saw he snapped me again and I was like well this stupid idiot has ghosted me at work and tried to bury me deep in his teams chat but sure can talk to his homie privately so let’s see what he has to say. The last one I had just received was a video of him apologizing for ghosting me at work the past two days, he said he forgot we worked together. Woooow. Shooketh to the core. He knows well enough to know that will destroy me but I won’t show it. I replied back laughing and telling him something alone the lines of “dude I am cracking up you just apologized to me, you owe me nothing and I owe you nothing. We talk when we talk and we don’t when we don’t. You live your life and I live mine and when we want to bro out we can. I told him I was glad he had a good birthday and that I saw his girlfriend on his story and she was super gorgeous and good for him.” Never play the playa. Literally needed that. I needed to remember who I was. I’m not weak, I’m a savage. If this idiot didn’t care and “forgot” the 48 hours his gf was staying there then he would have never sent me a dumb video the second she left. Games are my entertainment, I truly love them. In utter shock that he just said that to me, I picked my shattered crown off the floor, superglued it back together, and knew that tomorrow was a new day and it was time to boss the eff up.

 

to be clear this man is an equal level playing savage but he is also emotionally intelligent in the sense that he can destroy me always but knows when I can’t handle it even when I’m pretending I can. In the midst of my break down Sunday I asked him a question. I asked him since he is the only dude I talk to a lot what qualities or characteristics I might exert or display that may be a turn off? I asked him this because I figured he was going to tell me some raw harsh truth. He responded saying well, you are attractive, confident, and independent and you probably scare the shit out of most guys because you don’t need anyone. He said most guys will be intimidated by you, I think it’s a good asset.” I was like wow dude you could have just utterly destroyed me and I gave you full freedoms to say even the things he knows are off limits. I thought I wanted to know but he was smart enough to see that would only break me down more. And damnit this is no love story but shit if he can calm my inner demons and light up my warrior fire. I need some light. He knows my pride is everything, he knows that comment sliced tonight but I’m back bitch. Tomorrow is a new day. And I will be damned if I lose to myself one more day again. I’m not saying I never will, but I’m my shattered soul that was so amlessly walking the graves down the street while I sat breathing in silence in my apartment, she came back. I’m whole again. Tomorrow- may God have mercy on my enemies because I sure won’t.

Xoxo ~ B

Convo with M - later

M told me to find a guy that didn’t have a girlfriend.

I can’t 

It’s a sickness 

I think I like being the mistress and then taking them away. Slowly so in the end it’s their choice..

Manipulation is my strength, that’s why you and i were so good together but also so tumultuous. You probably never saw it but when you were gone in jail I posted a picture

“Sometimes our best dream and worst nightmare have the same people in them. Letting go I scary but being free is beautiful”

You will forever be that to me. I think now my heart burns so bad from the way we ended in Portland that I just know that either the person I thought was my soul mate was all a figment of my imagination. I remember Raina and I smoking literally like at the very beginning of all that and you were leaving and I sti barely knew you but I was like obsessed with you haha. She said, he’s secretive and mysterious- no one will ever truly know him. Little did I know five years later my heart would be broken and I would honestly question my own reality trying to hang on to any trust in my own perception as to who you were, who we were, and who I was and even am now.  I’m strong. I’m battling myself against you. Every day I want to talk to you but I know I can’t. I can’t let you wrap me up on your spider web again. You will always be the black widow in our love story and I will always be the dead fly. 

1/25

I am completely and utterly pulled back in his web. I don't even know how this happened. I was supposed to stay strong. I was supposed to have my zinger revenge and never acknowledge his presence. Here he was again, the only light in my life, but truly -I didn't even have one at all before.

 

1/27

Right now, I really don't know. I am talking to M, I just finally told Bailey to have fun with his vanilla girlfriend. Richie, I am trying to give him a real chance. Stefan, he just essentially begged for me back in any form of capacity as he put it. Work-life- I just went head to head with my boss and I conquered. The path I take might be rocky, it might be steep, it might break me to my knees time and time again but the constant pain is what is creating the wings on my back. Today was not the best but you ARE moving forward. Never suppress yourself for anyone baby girl. You did NOT suffer the way you did, to now roll over and take any bullshit. I am taking the reins of my own life. My job, my friends, my family, my image, my emotions, my money, my business. is now my business. I don't owe anyone anything and I can be whoever I want to be....honestly though...TBD. I love the chaos. I love the toxic. I might be strong but I am also self-aware enough to notice one of my toxic traits is to thrive on the madness. I can't say a simple life could ever satisfy me.

"

 

xoxo B

3/21/2021

"And that's why we stay longer than we should...because it hurts to watch something you love transform into something you should hate. We sit & wait for it to return to it's original state, in denial as we ignore the fact that whats we see is always there & what is now, will always be". R.HSin

It has been awhile. Although I have been making voice recordings to help myself look back and remember this time in my life, writing however has been too painful.

I suppose you might say that opening up my laptop to write is a step forward.

 

That quote. lol. I slowly laugh as I shake my head. It is a beatiful day here in Plano, TX. It's Sunday, which is my personal day. The day I give to myself to recharge for the week, no schdules, no timeframes, not limits. As much as I love structure, I just as much love freedom. Too much of anything can be too much, medicine only works in the correct dosage. The way its meant too, at least. I have been talking to M, we have been decently good. The thing is I know with him everything is temproary. Last night he flipped a 180 on me and it was you make my stomach curl and I would never see you and my life is so much better without you. Earlier the same day, he was telling me he loved me so much and he thought of me always, we were 100 percent soulmates, and he felt connected to me more than anyone in the whole world. People do not realize how hard it is to be lifted up so high for the same person to then turn around and tear you down to your lowest low. I have however realized, at this point I am doing it to myself. I know I am hindering myself from moving forward. I know that I am choosing to talk to him, I am choosing to look for happiness in the same place that hurt me, and I know that I am self sabotaging my chances at a second chance,

 

I may be self aware and emotionally intelligent, self disciplined however, I am not. Most of the time, even I do not even realize how bad the past truly was until I tell someone about it, or I have a random flashback. Truth is, things were never good, not even from the very beginning. I dont think I ever loved M, I loved the version of M I made up in my head. The version of M I believed he would or could be if he found sobriety, I lied to everyone around me about the severity or magnitue of the situation. Truth be, I got so good at painting on a smile and pretending everything was fine that I even started to believe hell was heaven. Sitting in hell but believing you are in heaven is a dangerous illusion, deadly honestly. Not only did Iose my grip of reality, I lost control of my own mind.

 

What I had to learn the hard way was that the warrior inside of me is much more malicious than my demons, the devil and I get along just fine. In fact, I bow to no one, the devil actually now bows to me. This next chapter in my life will be enchanting. To accept the light and darkness of your mind, to understand we all have our own demons, and to know that being in heaven or hell of this life is truly about the perception you choose to have you become oddly dangerous. Accepting that as much as I am holywater, I am also just as much hell fire. For te first time, I truly do not give a fuck if my spirit incroches on your demons. I don't even give a fuck if my demons destroy your spirit. As I put on my red lipstick, I remind myself that my lips are my guns. As I smile back at myself in the morror I remember that my smile is the trigger. I blow a kiss to myself on the way out of the now dark room, the self-confidence I am regaining is truly the real bullet, baby I am coming back and damn, I am a real killer. I drpped my crown, a few pieces may have even chipped off and became lost foever. I found a new crown, it sparkles and shines a hell of alot brighter than the old broken one.

 

XOXO- B

" I will destroy you in the mos beautiful way possible and when I leave, you will finall understand, why storms are names after people."

 

 

"Hell sent us the most evil disease and we humans called it love."- Conny Cernick

4/4/21

Happy Easter!

 

I did something outlandish today. I asked a guy out. Like an actual amazing catch man. YA'LL!! This is wild AF. May I mention that in my head I sound like Snoop Dawg because I like to classify myself as a chill stoner with a majestic sense of humour? The unfortunate part is that I sound like Paris Hilton and I am an attractive blonde so people do not get my satire and generally think I am either A.) serious, or B.) really that dumb. I remember during the Snow Apocolypse this year in Feb of 2021 I was in a group chat with my Team from work. I had slept most of the day after I realized I did not have power, when I woke up I did not realize the magnitude of the situation. I texted in the group message something to the effect of "Does this mean door dash is closed too?" and I put an Alexis Meme from Schitt's Creek. People informed me restaurants were not open. I was shooketh they literally thought I was serious. My jaw had to be picked up ff the ground. I was expecting some HA HA's not an informative response to what I felt was "comedy." I chose to just say nothing further lol. Good to know, Susan. Hence the huff and eye roll.

Back to the guy, I asked out. Let's call him Q. I suppose if we run into having two dudes in the story with the same letter to their first name then I will start labelling them by numbers after the letter. A simple fix for confidentiality. See, that was a JOKE. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to meet me and I cringe. I would so hate me. The blonde hair, fake tan, long lashes, snotty condescending personality, I could continue but I think I have painted you a vivid enough image to see the point I am trying to make. We have ALL met one of THOSE girls. Yep, hey- me. I am....one of them forsure. At least, I am not in denial, okay ya'll. Being self-aware is great and all but that does not mean you can change who you inherently are. Anyways, maybe the big guy upstairs has over plans and Q is my soulmate. I mean thirty years of perfect wife material in the making over here. I hold on to the belief that my husband is out there and waiting for me too. We both have lived lives of joy, triumph, trials, and tribulations and because of all of those moments lined together in chronological time, we have become who we needed each other to be, to be together in current time.

 

I went to HS with this Q guy, super welll-hot. Introverted. Smart. Driven, Self-kept? I dont know. When I graduated from PSU and knew that I was likely going to move home to get away from M, I remeber kinda eyeing out the guys in Dallas. Who still lived there? Who was still single? After ten years, what is their perception of me? I had a plethura of thoughts and emotions, lots of made up scenrios I danced around in my head. Everyone has something in life they want, its like that one thing they want completes their hearts puzzle piece. It is their own souls purpose and joy of life. For me, that "purpose," that "joy" was always having a fairytale love story. The kind of love that was safe, sacred, trusting, spontaneous, complex, gracious, but most of all- I wanted an equal partnership. A love that did not run away, a love that is consistent, and a love that makes everything else in the world A okay. I remember he liked my graduation picture and I was like OHHH YESSSS. lol. I feel like I saw a girl in the picture but she seems gone? TBD.

When I first got back to Dallas I was spewing blood all over anyone who came even remotely close to me. I was shattered. I was fat. I was sad. I was scared. I was embarrassed. And I was living with my mother at 29 years old. Although it was temporary it was hard. My whole past was quite literally dead. My family, both men that I had spent the last 16 almost 17 years dating, etc. Not that I had much to lose, to begin with, but the little bit I did have in Portland was completely obliterated.

 

I remember telling myself, get good at this job, get skinny, be confident. I pumped myself up on the sidelines for the last 10 months. I have cried, I have screamed, I have felt as if I have been bleeding out and I am dead but still conscious. I have been pulling mould out of my body, my eyelids, my lip, between my toes, between my skin and nail, anywhere and everywhere. The pain has almost driven me mad. These last ten months have been a challenge, to say the least. The manic episodes scared even me. Every day I am exponentially growing though and that is what matters. I definitely deadlined there for a minute but I am back baby and spitting game. At least, I hope so. I bounce between confident and insecure every five seconds. Uncontrollable mental tennis constantly.

 

This Q guy was like on the list of guys that I would have never DARED to speak to when I initially moved back. The top calibre on the tier of future husband candidates. I think I am better than basically everyone but something about him gave off this what if he is too good for ME kind of vibe. I mean I am pretty and skinny now and I am shaking in my boots. ME. Pretty blonde girl over here that has never been called ugly a day in her life and WHY AM I FREAKING OUT AGAIN?!?!? As I hyperventilate into a paper bag. I am not good with first impressions, I word vomit, I overshare, I paint inaccurate stupid and dumb pictures of myself. I am still struggling with the concept less is actually more, eyeroll 3430379482735982.

I struggle with self-love, shame, guilt, and have likely a neurological disorder from the abuse I have suffered over the past few years. I am scared, scared to ruin what should have been mine. Scared to not take the leaps and bounds when the worst someone can say is no. Long story short, I just- on April 4, 2021, got back on my game, thought about what I wanted, and finally decided to boss up and step up to the plate to take it. I forget who I am sometimes, I forgot who I was for a very long time. I do not want to be any version of myself that I have ever been before. I want to be a whole new version, stronger, badder, wiser, and savage. Straighten up boy, your future wife is here. The word no is not in my vocabulary. I cant? Said who? And if you do prefer silver and I am gold, that is okay too. The queen has risen bitches and it is about to get a little steamy and spicy. May we see where the cards fall with this one "team," hopefully, it is straight to the king of diamonds and the queen of hearts. Poker, much? Let's gamble baby.

 

XOXO- B

 

kk

4/11/2021When you

"When you are insane, you are busy being insane- all the time."

"Why do you stay in a prison when the door is wide open?"- Rumi (not an exact quote)

I was doing so much better. I felt strong again. I could feel that my wings had finally crushed all the way through the flesh, blood, and bones that were keeping them intact deep within me. They pierced through my mental and physical body. Taunting me with pain, turmoil, psychosis, and manic episodes. I had nefarious dark parts of my psyche that told me I could not do it, I was not strong enough, and maybe winning was not my fate. My unwanted thoughts taunted me day after day to let the immense maddening pain that continued to build up to take the mental sanity I gripped between my fingernails to the point of no return. It is like you hold your life in a glasshouse between your hands. You spin it, watching the disorder each movement you make creates inside the glass walls, reminds me of a snow globe as I watch my self watch myself watch myself in my manic state of utter disassociation. You tip it upside down and glitter or snowflakes fall everywhere, the chaos of the sudden tip creates small fragments to fly everywhere, so free but so contained within the glass globe. Only moments before was the globe transparent calm, and still, the snowflakes and glitter were completely hidden to the human eye. You turn the knob on the bottom and music plays from the glass ball. A glass ball that was completely silent moments before. So pretty, so complex, so fragile. If you dropped the snow globe, the glass would break, the water would escape to any crack and crevice it could slither inside sprawling across the wooden floorboards, and the beautiful tune, the sweet melody that filled your eardrums only seconds earlier was shattered, the music box is broken, and the sound that twisted your lips into a smile would never be heard again. It only takes a split second for beauty and happiness to turn into desolate shambles of trash.

 

I am trying so hard. So hard to fight myself to raise out of this mental turmoil. the hardest [art truly is he pain. It is s hard to keep my head up and grow when I am consumed by this evil infection isde me.

 

4.14.21

Some times I feel so broken I do not know how to go on. A sharp pain pierces my heart. I long for someone who is just good for me, no manipulation, I dont even have the energy to describe it. Just remember, all you wanted to do was work, be successful, make something of yourself, he made you feel selfish for doing that day after day. He would break you a million times and then some but if he saved you once, he would never let you forget it. He only did nice things to hold them over me. It is to the point I cant even acccept any offering bc I already know it will come with reprocussions. Sounds alot like my dad. I hate myself for even entertaining him, keeping myself trapped. I am keeping MYSELF trapped. It is long overdue to break fucking free.

Watch me adjust my crown