You will never get the truth out of a Narcissist.  The closest you will ever come is a story that either makes them the victim or the hero, but never the villian.

Shannon L. Alder

You were the blood under my nails.

How many scars did I have to justify because I loved the person holding the knife?

It is so important to pay attention to someone's behavior because words are so cheap.  They're like a dime a dozen.  Anyone can say anything.

Narcs will strip away all that you know, all that you love, until you have no shelter but them.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial matters. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling, and other people may not enjoy being around them.

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy.

Narcissistic personality disorder affects more males than females, and it often begins in the teens or early adulthood. Some children may show traits of narcissism, but this is often typical for their age and doesn't mean they'll go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder.

It starts out like this every time, "I love you and you are amazing." The love bombing phase.  You begin to see their true colors slowly come out, but just as they do, they ever so quickly go back to the love bombing. You're confused because you just saw a glimpse of something that isn't so pretty and then immediately the gas lighting comes into play again. You think maybe it is just a one time thing but then it becomes a cycle.  A cycle where one day you are so deep into this shit relationship that you're just hoping that you see the light again because it comes once every month now.  And the light feels so good when it comes.  The highest highs mixed with the lowest lows, it actually becomes a chemical reaction in your brain where you start to crave those high highs and those low lows because your body just becomes so used to it.  It is said when you go through those breakups, and fights with narcissists it actually feels like you are going through a drug withdrawl.  A toxic relationship is compared to being a heroine addict.  

One of the scariest things of being in a narcissistic relationship is they destroy you but the worst part is after you get out, the healing you have to try to conquer.  This guy beated you, he called you numerous names and brought you down, he brought your confidence down, he called you fat, he called you ugly, and I know some of ya'll feel this, the worst part is when you get out you think it's over.  The scariest part is it's not, they start aiming at your family, they non stop message you, they bother you, they blow you up, they send emails, they go after your parents and let you know that you're the problem.  They try to manipulate your friends and family against you to think that you're the one that is crazy and that is one of the worst things about a narcissist.  They do not stop.  The scariest part is the trauma bond that leads us back time and time again.  You tend to say it is what it is and that is not the mentality we can have.  They are going to do everything in their power when you leave to get you back and you must be strong.  I promise you sooner or later they will find a new source.  It will take a lot of time but eventually you will not be feeding their ego and they will leave.  

Sources: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

This is a manipulative tactic narcs use to abuse their victims.  This dark psychology trick involves deliberately ignoring or avoiding communication to create emotional isolation.  This tactic works by creating a sense of isolation within their victim causing them emotional distress by witholding interaction the abuser seeks to control the victim inducing feelings of guilt and anxiety.  The lack of communication creates a feeling of being shut out which can be emotionally painful.  Overtime, the victim may struggle with their self esteem and may even become dependent on the person giving the silent treatment for validation and approval.

I think one of the worst feelings in the entire world is crying your eyes out to someone trying to get them to care that they hurt you because you know deep down it is never going to happen, you know that if they really cared they would never have hurt you in the first place.  So, they're certainly not going to care now.

If he accuses you of cheating, he is cheating.  This is an example of classic gaslighting. The gaslighter projects whatever bad behaviors they have onto you.  That way you are so distracted defending yourself that you can't see what they're doing and if they acuse you of doing something they're doing you'll never suspect it because why would they acuse you of doing something that they're doing themselves?  For example, if you found something on his/her phone and they tell you that you are crazy.  They will never accept responsibility for their actions even if you show them proof.

The seats are empty.  The theatre is dark.  Why do you keep acting?

Trauma bonding is an unhealthy emotional attachment to someone who causes you physical, emotional, and/or sexual harm. In such relationships, the abusive partner can fluctuate between extreme affection and extreme abuse in repeated cycles. The episodes of affection serve as positive reinforcement that staying in the relationship is "worth it."

Trauma bonding tends to form subtly, often without the abused partner ever realizing it. People with a history of child abuse are vulnerable because they often have an altered perception of what a healthy relationship looks like. Breaking from trauma bonding may require counseling from a therapist, a strong support system, and legal protection if there is a real threat of violence.

A trauma bond is knowing a relationship is bad for you but still wanting to hear from them or see them to see if things have changed.  You end up saying sorry for things they did because you don't want to lose or fight with this person.  You have a longing or attachement to them.  You take bare minimum and you forget what has happened in the past because they act so in love with you in the moment and they want you back. But then the cycle begins again and they don't want you anymore.  It's like an addiction, just one hit calms your anxiety when you hear from them kindly.

"On days when you miss the bond, please remember the disrespect."

Sources:https://www.verywellhealth.com/trauma-bonding-5210779

The term “love bombing” refers to a pattern of overly affectionate behavior that typically occurs at the beginning of a relationship, often a romantic one, in which one party “bombs” the other with over-the-top displays of adoration and attention. This behavior can include showering the other person with gifts and/or compliments, declaring love early on, and/or taking steps to remain in constant contact and spend increasing amounts of time together.

Love bombing is considered a deliberate and manipulative tactic that is deployed in order to gain the upper hand over a new partner and increase his or her dependence on the bomber. Because of this, it is often attributed to individuals who are high in narcissism or other antisocial traits or those who engage in domestic violence; it has also been frequently used in reference to cults. However, it is possible for someone to engage in similar behaviors without necessarily having ill intentions.

The concept of love bombing has gained cultural prominence in recent years; however, little peer-reviewed research exists on the phenomenon specifically.

Sources:https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/love-bombing

You will never get clarity with a narcissist. 

Ever.

The way that they keep you is by confusing you, by never giving you clarity.  A question that could have two possible answers, yes or no, they will give you a five minute long answer where by the end you do not know if the answer is yes or no.  A narcs MO is confusion.  That is how they so tightly keep you because you start depending on them for your clairty and they're never going to give you clarity.  They build a really strong illusion of a strong relationship at first with a very strong foundation of trust and then bit by bit they start taking that away.  However, you still have the memory of that period of time when they were really loving, when they were extremely trusthworhty and you think that maybe if you ask the question differently or maybe if you do something differently they might go back to being that person that they were at the begninning.  That person at the begininng though never actually existed.  And never will they exist.  That person a mirror of who they knew you wanted to see for you to decide to be in a relationship with them.  They looked at who you are and what's important to you and molded into that and convinced you that is who they are.  They plan for you to think to yourself, " Oh this one is perfect." Little do you know they fabricated the whole situation and experience for you to have the power to break down your sense of self, your ability to discern between what is right and wrong and your ability to have a firm grasp on reality.

Narcissists will never give you closure because in order to give you closure, they would need to validate you, they would need to admit to what they have done.  Going to them for closure only gives them more oppurtunities to gaslight you, rewrite history and paint themselves as the victim.

Did you know narcissistic abuse actually causes brain damage in their victims?  When you are with a narc they stress you out.  The stress hormone in your body is called cortisol.  Your cortisol level in your body overtime raises to such an astronomical level that if it was spread over two or three people, it would still be considered high for those three people but it is all within you.

That high cortisol level is going to cause your hippocampus to shrink.  Your hippocampus is the part if your brain that is in charge of your short-term memory and decision making.  The high levels will also swell your amygdala which is in charge of your primal emotions for example fear, anxiety, shame, and guilt.  When the amygdala is swollen is becomes hyperactive so you're going to be in a constant state of survival mode.  This is what is anatomically happening biologically in your brain.  You're not crazy.  You have been abused by a narcissist.

Borderline personality disorder is a chronic condition that may include mood instability, difficulty with interpersonal relationships, and high rates of self-injury and suicidal behavior.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and an individual's sense of identity.

People with BPD, originally thought to be at the "border" of psychosis and neurosis, suffer from difficulties with emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, BPD affects 2 percent of adults. People with BPD exhibit high rates of self-injurious behavior, such as cutting and elevated rates of attempted and completed suicide. Impairment from BPD and suicide risk are greatest in the young-adult years and tend to decrease with age. BPD is more common in women than in men, with 75 percent of cases diagnosed among women.

People with borderline personality disorder often need extensive mental health services and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations. Yet, with help, the majority of people who suffer stabilize and lead productive lives.

Neuroscience is revealing brain mechanisms underlying the impulsivity, mood instability, aggression, anger, and negative emotion seen in BPD. Studies suggest that people predisposed to impulsive aggression have impaired regulation of the neural circuits that modulate emotion. The brain's amygdala, a small almond-shaped structure, is an important component of the circuit that regulates negative emotion. In response to signals from other brain centers indicating a perceived threat, it marshals fear and arousal, which may be more pronounced under the influence of stress or drugs like alcohol. Areas in the front of the brain, in the prefrontal cortex, act to dampen the activity of this circuit. Recent brain-imaging studies show that individual differences in the ability to activate regions of the prefrontal cortex thought to be involved in inhibitory activity predict the ability to suppress negative emotion.

Serotonin, norepinephrine, and acetylcholine are among the chemical messengers in these circuits that play a role in the regulation of emotions, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and irritability. Drugs that enhance brain serotonin function may improve emotional symptoms in BPD.

From my very own psychological thrillers may I introduce BPD. 

I've learned not to run from my demons but learn their names.  I am a mess of gorgeous chaos, and you can see it in my eyes.  People with BPD drink the poison our minds pour for us and wonder why we feel so sick.  I confuse people.  I have a happy personality and a sad soul.  I can go from feeling incredibly confident to terribly insecure.  I love hard but at times I feel heartless.  I am outgoing yet prefer to be alone. Some days I am a warrior.  Some days I am a broken mess.  Most days I am a little bit of both.  But everyday I am here standing, fighting, and trying.

Do not worry about contradictions- Persephone is both a floral maiden and queen of death.  You too, can be both.

Sources: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder

5 symptoms of BPD to be diagnosed with a personality disorder these symptoms must be persistent and pervasive.  That means that these symptoms must last not only for weeks or months, but for years.

1. Strong Fear of Abandonment: This isn't just worrying that your partner is going to leave you, it is a full blown paranoia that people are destined to abandon you.  This happens even when there's zero proof that they are going to leave.  This can lead to over the top jealousy and trying to control everything.
2. Explosive Anger:  This isn't just a little annoyance or frustration, it is a full blown rage that is typically triggered when somebody perceives that they are going to be abandoned or betrayed.
3. Impulsive Behavior: This can show up in many ways like spending too much money, addiction issues, driving recklessly, and many other forms of impulsive behavior.  Obviously this can lead to very negative consequences.
4. Identity Disturbance:  This is about not knowing who you truly are.  Someone with BPD may be constantly changing their looks, their hobbies, and their interests because they don't fully understand who they are.
5. Intense Relationships: One minute it is all love and in the next minute it is all chaos.  Someone with BPD tends to rapidly fluctuate between admiring someone and belittling them.

Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain or keep power and control over another person in a relationship.

In the United States, domestic violence affects an estimated 10 million peopleTrusted Source each year.

But domestic violence can take many forms, and it’s not always easy to recognize. In fact, other terms for domestic violence, such as “relationship abuse” and “intimate partner abuse,” help emphasize that abuse doesn’t always involve physical violence. You can also experience relationship abuse if you live in different households.

Relationship abuse is a pretty broad category, but it can include any behavior intended to coerce, manipulate, threaten or intimidate, or isolate a relationship partner.

ResearchTrusted Source suggests up to 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men have experienced this type of abuse. That said, the actual number of people who have experienced relationship abuse may be much higher because many people never report it.

Sources: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-is-domestic-violence

1. They always apologize even when they haven't done anything wrong.  That is because they were always blamed when it wasn't their fault.
2. They never believe they are beautiful or handsome no matter how many times they are told.  This is due to traumatic experiences such as criticism in childhood or an unfaithful partner.
3. Breaks down in small fights- the accumulation of toxic arguments has weakened and traumatized her making her seek escape through these breakdowns (emotional release).
4. She needs a lot of reassurance as emotional neglect has caused her to fear loss.  (Abandonment and rejection).  Therefore she prioritizes emotional security which she could not get from previous partners or parents, above all else.
5. She never asks for help and it's too hard for her to do (Can't receive).  This is because she is used to doing everything alone (hyper independence) as there was no one she could rely on (emotionally).

• The universe will isolate you when it's trying to tell you something.  Once it gets you alone, it's time to listen.  The fear of loneliness will fade away and you'll find peace and solitude.
• Human beings either give you light or give you darkness.  Human beings either give you love or give you fear.  Human beings are energy and their frequency is either helping you on your journey or it's hurting you.  The question for you is why is it that so far in your life you've continuously allowed yourself to be in the presence and in the energy and in the frequency of people that knowingly hurt you, you feel it.  Their presence changes you.  Maybe you decide to become a little less lenient on who you allow in your life.
• Don't walk through the world looking for evidence that you don't belong because you will always find it.  Don't walk through the world looking for evidence that you're not enough because you will always find it.  Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people.  We carry that inside of our hearts. I am not willing to betray myself to fit in with you.  I know who I am and I am clear about that and I am not going to negotiate who I am anymore.  
• You did good today.  Really good.  You might not want to see it, you might think it was just another day but it wasn't.  Every step you took today was a step forward no matter how small, you faced challenges and you overcame obstacles and you kept moving.  Remember, every effort counts and every bit of progress matters.  You're building a better tomorrow with every action you take today, the struggles you faced, they're just stepping stones leading you to greater heights.  You're stronger than you realize, more capable than you give yourself credit for.  Be proud of yourself.  You're doing the work, making things happen.  Your journey is unique and every twist and turn is shaping you into the incredible person you are meant to be.  Sleep well, knowing that you are on the right path.
• There is basically three things that you should stop doing immediately if you want to be happier.  Number one, you have to stop regretting the past, you must stop living there inside your mind.  There is nothing you can do about it, don't forget it, you can learn from it and get better from it so you do not make the same mistakes but you have to stop living there.  Number two, is stop worrying about the future.  Psychologists have found that 85% of what we worry about on a daily basis will never happen.  That is a waste of your energy and that's a waste of your time.  And number three, stop looking for your happiness in other people.  Other people cannot make you happy, it is absolutely impossible.  Happiness is 100% an inside job.
• This took me years to figure out but never ever apologize for how deeply you feel or how passionately you love.  You're not too much because your heart is gold filled with glitter.  When your intentions are pure you don't lose anyone, people lose you.
• Sometimes you have to make decisions that break your heart but protect your peace.  It's hard because sometimes choosing peace means that we are actually choosing grief in losing people we wish could be different.  Look, I know it hurts but you have got to stop second guessing yourself.  It might be a hard decision but it is the right decision.
• How we treat ourselves sets the bar for how people treat us.
• As bad as you want to address it, sometimes it's best to let God defend you.  He saw too.
• Your mind will believe what you continously tell it.  So tell it that you're smart, ambitious, fearless, and that you have what it takes to conquer.

• No one can make me jealous over a seat I had first.  You wouldn't be sitting there if I didn't get up.

• A queen doesn’t hope or wish. She decides.

• Don't look at him for your peace, babe.  Don't search his eyes for the calm to soothe your chaos.  You won't find it.  Your peace is in your hands. - Stephanie Bennett-Henry

What is attachment theory?

There is a long list of scientific literature that categorizes how we form emotional attachments to our primary caregivers in order to ensure our safety and survival.

The most famous study comes from a 1969 experiment called the Strange Situation, which gave rise to the four styles of attachment we know today. In the study, babies and their birthing parent played in a room together. The parent left and then returned a few minutes later. The baby’s reaction was then monitored.

From that study, the four attachment styles were identified:

• Secure attachment: Babies became upset when their parent left and were comforted by their return.
• Anxious attachment: Babies would become very upset when their parent left and would be difficult to comfort upon their return.
• Avoidant attachment: Babies would barely react — or not react at all — when their parent left or returned.
• Disorganized attachment: Babies had more erratic or incoherent reactions to their parent leaving or returning, such as hitting their heads on the ground or “freezing up.”

The baby’s reaction to their parent’s departure and return says a lot about how the baby is used to their caregiver attending to their needs, Dr. Derrig notes. And those experiences as youngsters are likely to affect the way they relate to others in their adult lives.

Babies who are securely attached understand their parent is someone they rely on, so they become concerned when they go and are comforted by them coming back. On the other hand, babies who learned that their parents aren’t going to be attentive to their needs are less worried about their absence and less comforted by their return. They’ve learned they can’t rely on their caregivers to provide them with what they need, so the parent’s presence (or absence) isn’t as meaningful to them.

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles

• The problem with people with anxious attachment styles is we want to see that they want the same level of intimacy as we do.  We get anxious when they do not check in, we do not understand how they could go to sleep without calling, and we chalk that all up to them not loving us but they can do that because they grew up with a knowledge that people that love them come back.  So it is not that they do not love us or miss us it is because they trust the process, whereas we associate our independence with they must not love us.  We must find a mutual ground and learn his/her independence is not a detachement from you, it is simply because he trusts you and knows he's coming home to YOU.  Your love has made him independent whereas for you that is a signal that you do not love me or need me the way I need you, go away.  You need a partner that understands you need particular rituals and you will calm down.  

This type runs away from relationships because they feel a love they have never felt before and they feel undeserving of it.  

• I have heard your prayers and seen your tears: I will heal you.  2 Kings 20:5
• You were created for a purpose.  Ephesians 2:10
• Don't worry.  God is in control.  Isaiah 32:18
• Cling to what is good.  Romans 12:9
• A joyful heart is good medicine.  Proverbs 17:22
• Because of your faith, it will happen.  Matthew 9:29
• For though I fall, I will rise again.  Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.  Micah 7:8
• God is within her she will not fall.  Psalms 46:5
• I will restore the years the locusts have eaten.  Joel 2:25
• All the forces of darkness cannot stop what God had ordained.  Isaiah 14:27
• God will not abandon those who search for him.  Psalms 9:10
• I know that the Lord is always with me.  I will never be shaken, for He is right beside me.  Psalms 16:8
• I'll refresh tired bodies; I'll restore tired souls.  Jeremiah 31:25 
• Worry about nothing, pray about everything.  Philippians 4:6
• The Lord says, "I will give you back what you lost." Joel 2:25

• You lack nothing, use what I gave you.
• Hey, don't worry.  Be so confident in God's plan and promises that when something doesn't go your way, you can easily say, "That's God redirecting me to something better."
• Pray, then let it go.  Don't try to manipulate or force the outcome.  Trust God to open the right doors at the right time.
• Blessed is she who trusts God to provide for her even when she doesn't know how she'll make it.
• To have God is to have everything.
• If you don't feel like praying.  Force it.  Because something is also forcing you not to pray.
• God loves you in your weakest moments.
• Wait until you see why God made you wait.

• Lord, help me be content with where you have me now, but give me the courage to go where you want me next.
• I needed that hurt.  Thank you God, for using that pain so I can learn to forgive fully, to be humble completely, and to grow maturely in You.
• Dear God, fix me when I am the problem and please protect me when I am not.

• She made it her mission, to help others see how good God is.

• If it's not in God's time, you cannot force it.  If it is God's time, you cannot stop it.
• What she lost was painful, but what God promised her is powerful.
• And suddenly, it's your turn and God makes it all happen for you.
• There is nothing better than watching your prayers become your reality.
• Stress happens when you forget that God is in charge.
• God put that dream in your heart for a reason.
• She got up with fire in her eyes and said.  "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."