I hope you are sorry.  I am too.  I went to a meeting on Thursday.  The sober you would be proud.  I guess that's how you are now right?  Sober?  I like to think so.  I like to think you had to watch our time together like a movie and realize how much I loved you and how badly I just wanted the same in return and I would have done anything to save you.  I wonder how you feel about it all.  I wonder if on the otherside if you think of me or ever watch over me.  You really fucked up my life.  I thought it was hard going through the years we were together but the aftermath is so painful too.  No one told me how hard it would be to pick up the pieces.  Espesically after your death.  You know if it wouldn't break me into pieces I would read the letters you used to write me.  You always promised this would end different.  Look at what you really did.  The trauma you put me through will be branded on my heart for life.  I am just trying to make it through feeling alive.  No one tells you after such severe abuse the amount of healing that comes with it.  I am still broken from it all babe.  I know it was never really you.  It was the alcohol but YOU did those things to me.  Things that will forever haunt me.  You took my vibrant view of the world and made me a skeleton of a woman.  You ripped off my wings to where I don't know how to fly anymore.  They tell me to write hard and clear about what hurts but there's so much I don't know how.  I miss you, I hate you, I love you, and I needed you.  I needed you to be stronger for me.  I needed you to fight harder.  I remember nights I wanted you dead.  I wanted to be out so bad.  Now I am and I'm probably less strong now than I was then.  You took that from me.  A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects.  They will be offended by the truth.  But what is done in the dark will come to light.  Time has a way of showing people's true colors is something you never cared to realize.  I had to be on defense mode everytime you came home.  The sound of the garage door opening made me sick to my stomach because I knew I had to react to however you acted-and I never knew how you were going to act and I did that for close to seven years.  If you think you still love someone even after they repeatedly abused you, don't think your so noble.  What you're feeling isn't love. It's a trauma bond.  You were all I had.  I had no choice but to pack a suitcase and run or stay and deal with you.  When it was good it was so good.  Maybe that's part of the reason I don't totally hate you.  I guess you could say I have Stockholm Syndrome.  I think that I miss you but I never really had you, sure we had our good times but almost every night ended the same no matter how good the day started.  You got too fucked up.  Every night.  I knew even with those ankle monitors on you found a way to drink.  You just couldn't help yourself could you.  You know why I am mad.   I am mad because my life is a mess because of you.  And yeah they say you have control over yourself and you're in charge of your own happiness but fuck man you killed me from the inside out without actually making me leave this earth, surprisingly.  You literally left me here fucked up and alone.  How fucked up is it that my bestfriend was the same person that abused me?  I'll never get a real apology from you.  No, I just have to stay here and try to figure out how to live this fucking life?  You got out real easy.  I was the one that suffered because of you and I am still suffering because of you.  You lied to me over and over and over again.  You beat my head into concrete, you broke my ribs, you punched me in the face, you would purposely keep me awake when you knew I had school and work the next day as I sobbed begging for you to stop, you locked me outside in the winter naked, you cut out the lock to my sliding glass door, shall I go on?  Look at me now.  Look at me.  This is because of you.  I fight for my own life everyday because of you.  You took everything from me.  My heart, my soul, and worst of all my mind.  And you just get to flutter around on the otherside while I am crucified for your convictions.  You left me here with no closure with all these wounds and scars I don't know how to heal.  What works for others isn't working for me.  I am cut too deep by our past that haunts me daily. I can't enjoy life anymore.  What used to bring me peace and joy has left me.  I am just a body walking dead through this world.  You got to die, but no not me.  I had to stay alive.  You know I almost killed myself two weeks before you died.  Ended up in the psychward and everything,  Wouldn't that have been a love story we went through everything we did but we couldn't live without eachother.  I survived unfortunately.  I wish I was happy about that and all this life has to offer.  I'm sure you see all that differently than me.  I hope someone plays you a version of life where you got sober and we got married and had kids.  I hope someone shows you how good your life could have been with me because I won't ever be able to give myself to someone else the way I gave myself to you.  Death and I have become scandelously intimate now for some time.  Pick the woman with brusied wings and blood under her nails.  She'll show you a thing or two about survival.  But even after everything.  I miss the shit out of you.

The pills should fix it right?  They should numb the pain and make my days bareable.  But they don't.  Enviornment has alot to do with how happy you are and my enviornment is me, myself, and I with my apartment.  It's darkly lonely.  How can the pills fix it when this is my life.  I've been tight on money so I started escorting.  You know what the sad thing is it's that at least my sugardaddies want to spend time with me.  Heck, they pay for it.  That is the life I have outside of these walls I consider my prison and my lonliness is my demise.  I should probably feel dirty after but I feel happy I had something to do with someone and I made money.  Eventually I will do a satiracal post about my escorting life but this one is more about being lonely.  The hardest walk is walking alone, but it's also the walk that makes you the strongest.

To the person who is slowly fading away...to the woman who lost her spark.  To the woman whose get up and go, has well and truly gone.  This is for you.  This is to remind you, that you don't have to be everything to everyone.  You didn't sign up for that.  Remember when you used to laugh? To sing?  Throw caution to the wind?  Remember when you used to forgive yourself more quickly for not always being perfect.  You can get that back again.  You really can.  And that doesn't have to mean letting people down or walking away.  It just means being kinder to you, feeling brave enough to say no sometimes.  Being brave enough to stop sometimes and rest.  It starts the moment you realize that you're not quite who you used to be.  Some of that is good, some of that is not.  There are parts of you that need to be brought back.  And if anyone in your life is not okay with that...they are not your people.  Your people will be glad to see that spark starting to light up again.  So, if you have been slowly fading away friend, this is the time to start saying yes to things that bring you joy and no to things that don't.  It's honestly quite simple.

My soul bleeds.. and the blood steadily, silently, disturbingly slowly, swallows me whole. And in the silence I suddenly understood the many ways a person can die but still be alive.  However, I am finally waking up to life again.  I loved you and it ruined my life.  You took away my ability to see life in color.  You took away my ability to trust other people.  You took away my capability to fight for myself.  You drained me.  You took every ounce and the recovery, the recovery, has been almost as hard as being with you. Everyday, I am trying to fight for myself to come back after everything you did to me and it is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I've learned that we live in the past because the future is unknown and that mixed with trauma will kill you inside everyday.  As I break though, I am also magically healing somehow.  The light is breaking free from my soul giving me the ability to find the light again.  And after everything I am finally able to see some color in the world again.  I am leaving the darkness. And as incredibly dangerous as it was to leave my abuser I am lucky because although he is dead I didn't go with him.  Generally the final step in the domestic violence pattern is to kill her.  I am free.  I should be happy.  But I am still so so broken.  Trying in every way, but still on the journey to heal which makes everyday another challenge to survive and make progress.  Not that I thought I would get out alive but no one told me about the damage it would do to me as a human being.  Not that it would have changed anything...

First, I want to say it is totally okay to lose yourself once in awhile.  I mean Eminem loses himself to the music everyday.   In all seriousness though, it is a normal thing most people experience at some point or another.  To feel like they are zombies in their own lives going through the motions.  Whether it be from grief, addiction, toxic relationships, too much stress and work, etc.  Whatever it may be, we all experience it to some magnitude or another at some point throughout our lives.  I lost myself dating M.  Trying to get some type of happy version of myself back since then has been extremely hard for me.  M just caused me to lose my spark.  And I miss it.

Hear me clearly: you can comeback from anything.  The devil is not attacking you because you are weak.  The devil is attacking you because you are a threat, because there is something about you that's valuable.  Remember, thieves don't try to break into empty houses.  The devil couldn't take you out so he is trying to wear you out.  So never give up because the tides is about to turn in your favor.  God knows you're tired, he knows you are trying.  Put him first. Trust him.  He will make a way for you even when you cannot fathom a joyous outcome.  You can be sure of your God.  He is with you.  He is for you.  And he is working all things together for your good.  Turning pain into power is not for the faint hearted.  I've lost people. I've been broken. I've been beaten, quite literally and figuratively.  And so much more.  How do we climb back through the ashes they tried to choke us with?  Life is tough my darling, but so are you.  This, is the beginning of loving yourself.  Welcome home.  What is better than believing you are healing and heading towards love?  If you have been strong enough to hold pain in your body your entire life than you are also strong enough to let it go is a saying by Erin Telford.  Don't deny your fire my love, just be who you are and burn baby burn.  Stay away from people who make you feel like you're hard to love.  Someday someone is going to draw stars around your scars.  Be inspired by the fear of being average.  Everything is a choice.  Of all the roads I have travelled, the journey back to myself is the most freaking magnificent one.

God please guide me on my decisions.  Today, I was reading a mental health thread on Facebook. I decided to click on a post that was essentially asking how to stop intrusive thoughts because I was curious what commenters had to say. As I was sifting through the comments I noticed one that said, “I’m contemplating suicide please pray for me.” Ya’ll there was not a single reaction to this man’s post. It broke my heart. Here we are pretending to care and act like we are advocates but when we have the chance to step in and potentially save a life after a cry for help on a mental awareness blog where the fuck is the awareness. I immediately commented on his post and said to please not do that and asked if he was okay? What really got me was this wasn’t about mental health here clearly, it was a bunch of people only wanting to hear what they have to say and have the freedom to spew their opinions. They wanted to be the gurus. They wanted to be the know it alls. But when it comes to reaching out a hand to someone in pain? Where are these wisdom keepboard warrior commentators.

When I say I hope you're okay what I mean is I know you're not okay but I hope that the sadness isn't overwhelming you.  That you can see cracks of light in the dark.  That the shadows are letting you break and hurt and heal without swallowing you up.  And that you know you are not alone, even in the moments where it really feels like you are.  Dear healthy people, please don't take that shit for granted, you are seriously blessed.  I am constantly in pain.  Yes, constantly, every single second.  The pain is still there when I'm smiling.  The pain is still there when I don't talk about it.  When I say, "I'm fine" I have a very different definition than you do.  Mental health relapses happen.  It doesn't mean all your healing is thrown away.  Accept what comes up and remember allowing yourself to feel, even the uncomfortable things, is part of the process.  Remember there is nothing wrong with you.  You have patterns to unlearn, new behaviors to embody and wounds to heal.  But there is nothing wrong with the core of you and who you are.  You are unlearning generations of harm and remembering love.  It takes time...I lied today and said I was busy.  I was busy; but not in a way most people understand.  I was busy taking deeper breaths.  I was busy silencing irrational thoughts.  I was busy calming a racing heart.  I was busy telling myself I am okay.  Sometimes, this is my busy and I will not apologize for it. 

Shall we talk about dating in 2024 sweeties?  I happen to have bad luck in relationships.  I always carefully pick the wrong guy.  It's bad ya'll. The dating pool definitely has pee in it.  These men are babies, BABIES, and absolutely ridiculous.  If you ever want to scare off a man just be really loving and loyal, they fucking hate that.  Relationships are like garage sales.  From a distance it looks like it could be interesting.  But up close, it's just a ton of shit you don't need.  Dating is just wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.  I just googled at what age a man fully emotionally matures and it deadass said 43 years old.  Getting back into the dating scene is hard for me in that I have to shave my legs AND stay up past 7:30pm.  No more my milkshake brings all the emotionally dysfunctional, selfish, narcissistic alcoholics to the yard.  My milkshake is continually bringing fucking morons to my yard and it has to stop.  Being an old school romantic in a hook up culture is a special kind of hell.  My dating life in four words: dating but not surprised. I don't date, I literally foster men until they find their forever homes.  

To the one that looks at me from the sky, I miss you more than you will ever know. 

It has been exactly a month since you left me.  I know your heart would break knowing how hard everything has been for me.  How many tears I have shed, how much I miss you, how much of my life I have had to rearrange so our memories do not trigger me.  I'm sure you know.  I'm sure you do feel awful.  Nothing makes it better though.  You are still gone and you are never coming back.  But if the story's over why do I still find myself writing pages.  Life is supposed to go on and it does go on, but it will never be the same again.