My soul bleeds.. and the blood steadily, silently, disturbingly slowly, swallows me whole. And in the silence I suddenly understood the many ways a person can die but still be alive. However, I am finally waking up to life again. I loved you and it ruined my life. You took away my ability to see life in color. You took away my ability to trust other people. You took away my capability to fight for myself. You drained me. You took every ounce and the recovery, the recovery, has been almost as hard as being with you. Everyday, I am trying to fight for myself to come back after everything you did to me and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I've learned that we live in the past because the future is unknown and that mixed with trauma will kill you inside everyday. As I break though, I am also magically healing somehow. The light is breaking free from my soul giving me the ability to find the light again. And after everything I am finally able to see some color in the world again. I am leaving the darkness. And as incredibly dangerous as it was to leave my abuser I am lucky because although he is dead I didn't go with him. Generally the final step in the domestic violence pattern is to kill her. I am free. I should be happy. But I am still so so broken. Trying in every way, but still on the journey to heal which makes everyday another challenge to survive and make progress. Not that I thought I would get out alive but no one told me about the damage it would do to me as a human being. Not that it would have changed anything...
Pablo Neruda writes:
You start dying slowly; if you do not travel, if you do not read, if you do not listen to the sounds of life, if you do not appreciate yourself. You start dying slowly; when you kill your self-esteem, when you do not let others help you. You start dying slowly; if you become a slave of your habits; walking everyday on the same paths..If you do not change your routine, if you do not wear different colours or you do not speak to those you don't know. You will start dying slowly; if you avoid to feel passion and their turbulent emotions; those which make your eyes glisten and your heart beat fast. You start dying slowly; if you do not take risk what is safe for the uncertain, if you do not go after a dream, if you do not allow yourself at least once in your lifetime to run away with sensible advice . Don't let yourself die slowly and do not forget to be happy.
I felt that so deeply. When you allow yourself the desire to travel, when you start to appreciate your unique abilities, and you learn to change bad habits for good ones, it is possible to find light in any type of darkness. My passion for writing comes from the dream of helping other people who are in pain. This is a cold harsh world and even people who put on a happy face everyday can still be hurting. I share my story slowly about how someone young, vibrant, and independent became completely trapped in a domestically violent relationship. Maybe that isn't your story but healing and trauma of different kinds are often similar as to how we feel deep inside. I pray that someday someone reads my work and it helps them find a connection to it and it helps them find courage. The courage to fight your own demons to overcome the pain. The courage to fight the imposter syndrome thoughts that never stop. To fight through the depression and anxiety. To fight through not believing you can live anymore. My hope is that you can relate to my darkness but also that I may help you see the light.
In due time we will smile and say, "God this is more than I prayed for. Thank you." I truly do believe that day is coming for each and everyone of us if we try. We cannot merely make no effort to heal and expect the miracles to come. We must fight through the battle of hurt and find a way to make one step forward every single day. Crazy how trauma isn't your fault but you have to take responsibility for it. Eventually, you will meet a person who's tired of the bullshit and games too, and their loyalty will match yours. When you are not fed love off of a silver spoon you learn to lick it off knives. That is a pattern that must be broken. But I'm so afraid of losing something I love again that I find myself refusing to love anything. Only we can turn our dreams into reality. And, hunny, you have everything inside yourself to make that happen. And as long as we don't die this is going to be one hell of a story. You can't scare me with death, I have died many times. You can't predict my next move, for my soul is my guide. With nothing to lose, it's everything I gain. My wounds are my weapons, my shackles lay waste. The heart of a survivor no longer in chains.
We have to tell the scared child inside of us to get off the ground. Spit your blood and bare your teeth. Go down savage. Go down fighting. My soul is currently on a budget. I cannot afford stress, envy, negative vibes, doubt, or deceit. I'm not embarrassed about anything I went through. What may be "tea" for you, is a testimony for me. Loving you was the death of me but losing you taught me how to bloom in a graveyard. For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen; a gaseous nebula must collapse. So collapse. Crumble. This is not your destruction. This is your rebirth. You are entirely up to you, darling. My revenge isn't loud, petty, or nasty. My revenge is silent growth because growth cannot be heard. Crazy how praying regularly makes everything else fall into place. You're in the season where all they can take from you, is notes. The next stage of your life requires you to pray more and say less. You are the kind of proof that queens can be kings too. There's really not a difficult thing unless you decide it's a difficult thing. Otherwise, it's just the next thing you're figuring out. Due to personal reasons, I will be shining brightly and unapologetically for the foreseeable future. I have decided I am not just pretty but otherworldly and vaguely threatening. What you don't do is every bit as powerful as what you do. Read that again. Dear God, fix me when I am the problem and protect me when I am not. Deep within me is a wolf scratching to get out at the walls of my throat- a wilderness whose howl is begging to escape me. Shall I be happy now...
XOXO
B
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