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Rebirth

July 2023

I hope you find people in this life who make you feel like you are meant to be here, who make you feel like you belong exactly as you are. I hope you find the kind of people that calm your soul and when you see their face or hear their voice. I hope you surround yourself with people that make you feel like there is no where else you'd rather be in this world than right there with them. I also hope you find this in yourself too. I hope you know you belong here, exactly as you are.

Welcome Darling, This The Rebirth

Thought you were gonna crumble?

LOL, hunny...sweetheart..

How do you know you are a goddess?

I cried oceans, but did not drown.

And if you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.

Self-doubt- doesn’t exist

This is the party of the story where you are more than capable of thriving alone.

Now we have newer solutions for our SLC living

if you get lonely, be adventurous darling.

You are going to be more than okay, babygirl.

Sell stuff, study for the life, get your blog up, spend all your free time preparing for take off.

You, babe, you can do this.

This is what all the previous pain was for, for this moment right here.

Put on the war paint.

It’s you against you.

Think and work up exactly who you want to be constructed in a list.

Thrive, thrive, thrive, grow, grow, grow, abandon self pity, abandon loneliness because it doesn’t exist if you don’t let it, every time you get scared-pray, God knows I don’t know where I am going but I believe with my whole heart if I try to listen to him and have faith in all things I can find the path he is leading me too to be my best self.

No one dictates your self worth or your happiness.

God gave us the blessing for me to see you with the pure light and genuine love but he can just as easily take that away.

Right now, Logan is pushing me away because he has tremendous self guilt and self sabotaging tendencies going on.

NOT MY PROBLEM

Britt- you are experiencing a death and chronic debilitating pain

And why you even felt like you had to add more to those two to justify receiving love and compassion is exactly part of the problem I am trying to find out.

A healthy person that is capable of being an adequate partner won’t make themselves the victim in every situation, they won’t correct you every time you speak, they won’t criticize every action you take, etc

People who do that have deep self hate for themselves, feel immense self guilt for their secret actions, and severe experience extreme cognitive dissonance. So much so that they deflect their own actions into trying to pick you apart to allow their subconscious and actions to better align if you deserve

You will love again my darling, I promise.

Me to me.

Things I am grateful for:

I am grateful for the ability to wake up to sunshine, not only from the rays of light that beam brightly from the sky but for the sunshine that is in my heart despite the immense pain that consumes me.

I am grateful for the ability to walk to get coffee to start my day on a beautiful strip where I live called Legacy West. I get to walk by Gucci, Tory Burch, Louis Vuitton, with the hopes that someday I will be able to afford the luxuries within the beautiful marble shops.

My life will always be a roller coaster and I know more than anything and sometimes it feels like I know more than anyone- that the winds will always be changing.

I am grateful for my faith in the Lord. For I know with my whole heart I wouldn’t and couldn’t be here without my infinite eternal belief that even the pain is packed with the most tender and graceful lessons that someday will be the building blocks and foundation to my success.

“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10) Page 146 in Streams in the Desert.

“Actually life is beautiful and I do have time”

Oh Honey, darling.

I am a damn savage, with a spice of sassy intelligence drizzled with independent flare.

Long story short, I survived hell.

I will paint my happy ending even if it is in blood.

I promise you that.

XOXO

B

The Sickness Of Unhealthy Love

June 2023

After M's death.

Here is to all the prayers we cried and was unsure if God and the universe were listening.

Let me be the first to say it.

I hate the way I feel but I just want to die and be with M.

I can’t help it.

I am so tired of this life, I am so tired of the constant kick downs, the failures, the struggles that never seem to turn into any real wins.

Here I am again with absolutely nothing

I have no money, no plan, no desire or motivation

I love God too much to kill myself but FUCK I don’t want to be here.

For what?

I have nothing left, no answers, no hope, no light

I want to die. I do not want to wake up tomorrow. Go through this cold and lonely life. The loneliness, the sadness, the pain, the silence, the feeling of watching the world from the outside. Everyone inside of it has someone. I do not have anyone. There are times I feel a glimmer of hope, a little light, but it so quickly vanishes. Going to sleep makes me sad and lonely so my new self sabotaging habit is to just try to stay awake for days at a time. Works for a little then it just makes me hate my life more. I know God got me here but it’s like in moments like these the pain is so deep I just want it to stop.

I think about my job. How everyone gets to get off and be around someone, what’s the point of getting of if you have nothing to do and no one to see and truthfully no one to care. M and I finally stopped speaking. Memories of us are clouding my mind constantly. I see Mexican food, I cry. Basically anything triggers something. I think being alone is strength but the desire to just have one person that I could trust, that I could just hug, like it’s so weird I am just craving that closeness. I hate myself. I hate everything I even do. It’s moments like this where I can’t see myself ever being happy again. It’s almost like I don’t even want to, I just want to be done. Wave the white flag. I don’t deserve my life. I suck at it. Everyone hates me. I can’t keep my head above water and quite frankly I am ready to drown. M didn’t take everything away from me. I took it away from myself. Being buried deep in the earths soil. Past the roots of the trees, my cold body would lay. Who would have ever thought that it would be me so shattered by life at 30, being buried in the cold dirt of the earth, truly sounded like the most enjoyable thing. I really can’t take much more.

Quite honestly, it is a daunting feeling to think of M passing on to the after life. He truly picked his poison before post mortem as I generally had referred to, now it just has an even larger magnitude of meaning behind it.

I literally just positioned myself to write at my desk. Something I haven’t been able to do in quite some time.

I reach behind me and grab the handy bottle of air duster behind me and spray my keyboard, screen, and desk. It is like I am quite literally shaking myself from the dust and choosing to arise.

If we are being honest, M was the love of my life in so many ways, I hate to ever discredit the love I am experiencing today because I would not trade it for the world but for a sober M, maybe.

This is probably something I will keep out of my book or blog. I may grab inserts but this, this is really for me, and for M. May he read this from the other side and it can be closure for the both of us. Even though we both know closure is not truly possible. For there to be closure. He would have had to change, he would have been my future husband, the father of my children, and the man I got to love every single day- into forever, even for eternity.

I can only see him chuckling from the other side at all my grammatical spelling errors. May he know this is hard for me, that I already missed him everyday and to now know he isn’t walking the same earth as me is….hard. for lack of a better heart wrenching word. I question my own reality and perception after seeing his girlfriends post. Did he really not love me and if he knew he could come back and be sober at all capacities I want to believe he would have chosen to have that with me. So so bad. I didn’t know if I was crazy. I can barely grab our memories but with just a fingertip. I had worked so hard to let go to believe he is dead is almost too much. It is better for me to numb everything because I have no idea how to cognitively process this in any way or degree or capacity.

What was real? What was just M suffering from addiction? And how do I know what words he meant and what were lies? Did he ever really love me? I want to believe so. However, I’ll never really know.

My heart aches for you but you are never coming back.

Remember when I told you I never wanted to see you again in this life, the next , or ever?

You and I both know that was a lie.

I loved you, and I know you loved me.

In a sick dedicated way.

Sometimes I wonder if you sacrificed yourself for me.

I wish it was the opposite.

You a brought a light to my life and soul I don’t think will ever be replaceable.

No matter how toxic our love was.

I will always hold on to the thought that if you were sober, I might have actually gotten everything I ever wanted.

When that possibility is out of the question because you no longer walk the same green earth as me, where do I go?

How do I find a new light?

The only thing I know how to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other in hopes I eventually stumble on radiant light and pure genuine and graceful love again.

Is it wrong I also hold on to the thought that maybe in the next life I get to be with you?

Probably unhealthy to say the least.

I am doing my best, one foot in front of the other, again and again until I find myself somewhere brighter and hopefully different. In all the beautiful mystical ways that some may refer to as magical that I believe are truly hidden in plain sight gems all around us every single day.

One must open their eyes and perception, soul, mind, body, pain, trauma, etc to truly find the diamonds cut so sharply they blind shining in the suns light right in front of us in our human experience.

XOXO

B

You look...different.

The Past

Do not ever be ashamed of loving the strange things that make your little weird heart happy.

I bow to no one. That stupid girl who came back here six months ago, shes dead. Thank God. I never want to be that weak and broken again. I want to be in a place that I second guess nothing I do, think, hear, or say. A world where I am not making myself smaller to feed the ego of a man, to take shit from no one, and be second to none.

I do not know why God chose this life for me. I am still trying to figure it out. Is it because I am special? Is it because...literally why? I have such an amazing life in so many ways, however I hate that my heartaches. I can actually feel the crack in the middle. The longing for someone to hold me. I hate typing that. It sounds so silly and weak, so pathetic. Anyone I have ever loved has only ever given me a portion of love back compared to what I gave to them. I havent taked to Matt in awhile. We both knew but didnt know how or what to say. It just happened. He was all I had for so long, it was toxic, it was abusive, it was maddening, and it made me completely unstable. I just feel like so cold and empty inside. I literaly just pulled off some seriously epic shit and I am sad. and the fact I am sad when I am so cool makes me more sad. The real hero is God. I know that I would never be here without him, I know that he carries me every single day. I am not even strong enough to push myself through. I want to be.

I think about what its like to have someone because I never really had M. It feels like a butcher knife just sliced into my heart writing that. The memories are always flashing in my mind like a strobe light. I just want that to stop. Have I not suffered enough yet? Pity parties are pathetic, I hope I am almost to the day I stop throwing them daily. Today, before I went into work, wondering if I still had a job lol. I listened to two of my videos. I am hurt. I have always wanted more than anything to have someone love me as much as I loved them and to have a life companion. I do not even know how to be friemds with someone let alone imagine ever feeling safe around someone again. I think that is what makes me so sad. I do not know how to show the world who I am, I do not know how to show anyone my true colors. Its like you see it or you dont but I never see anyone. I think about all the poeple in the world that are going to sleep with someone next to them, someone in another room in the home, and how few poeple go to sleep night after night alone. It is not the silence I mind, it is the emptiness in my heart. To know how much I loved M and how much he did not give a flying fuck. Looking at my life from the outside for the first time- I feel so much pain that most days I truly want to just die. I just do not know how to even be a nrmal person. I do not know wha could ever make me happy. I mean I just spanked Mallory and I cant even enjy that. I think bc it was a battle I did not even want to fight, I just could not sit on the sidelines any longer while I knew damn well that bitch was stacking my pipeline. She fucked with my money, my mental health, and she kicked me while I was down. That is a big no no. It is truly to bad she is such a fool. Everyone has different levels of common sense. Let us end her story there.

I know God is real, I have faith in his love and grace. I know tha God got me her where I am today, somewhere I never thought I could be, I have faith that he has a plan for me. My biggest fear is ruining it. I just wish someone that I loved could give me a hug. I guess I do not think that there is anyone that could even do that, no one I trust enough, no one I feel safe enough, important enough, to even have that- I think thats what I am so sad about. My heart longs for M, but M was a piece of shit who did not give a fuck about me. Not in any way was our love real. He was the closest person I have ever had and it wasnt even real. That, that is truly earthshattering.

There is a part of me that tries to make myself believe I will find my person. I am sck of that shit. Be heartless, be cold, be alone, need no one.

When you need no one, you fear no one, and you have nothing to lose. That my deary- now that is winning and that is real true queen power.

xoxo-

B

There is madness in her bloodline

The Past

I wonder what it would be like to wake up and not cry. To wake up and joyfully spring out of bed to tackle the day. How beautiful that would be. I am so tired of fighting myself to live. I found a corner on the roof that I could jump from, and it would likely kill me, but I could not be sure. For the ones who tried to save me, thank you. For the ones who never cared, I wish you realized that mental health was real. I wish I had realized the corner I was pushing myself into. I thought about it often, how peaceful it would be to dress up in a beautiful white gown, make-up done elegantly, red lipstick primed perfectly with lip liner. I could see myself laying there on the ground, so beautiful, so sad, and completely breathless and dead.

I know God is asking me to look to him for strength. I know that he is asking that I stop looking into the unknown and being afraid for it is only unknown to me. Edgar Allen Poe once said, “The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where one ends, and where the other begins?” I try to convince myself that people give up on this earthly life because we focus so much on how far we must go and not how far we have truly gone. Your life can only be as good as your mindset, my mindset is shattered. I do not even know who I am anymore. I do not know who I was, and I do not know who I will be. How hard it is to trust myself and the light of this world when all I have from my past are reasons I shouldn’t. I want to be the queen I know I am in God’s kingdom, the queen that stands up to her demons.

I am fighting myself to find the inner strength that says, “I’ll dance with my demons and let them lead. And as soon as they think they are in charge; I’ll make them bleed.” I hold my own knife, no one else gets that power. I just happen to be in a nuclear war in my own mind between the light and dark parts of myself. Behind my smile is my shattered heart. Behind my laugh, I am falling apart. Behind my eyes are tears at night. And behind my body is a a shattered skeleton a woman. My wings are black, my halo is crooked and my halo is black. We each have a mission here on earth, mine is to wake up each day and fight the demons that left me so tired the day before. We are all here on earth to play the same game before judgment day, dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

My goal is to be so rooted in my inner being that no one’s absence or presence can disturb my inner peace. All the fire that has ever burned will someday turn me into gold. I have a madness in my bloodline, and today I am promising myself to realize I am not mud water. I am Essentia, Voss, and Fiji water. You are sparkling San Pellegrino damnit. We, as in me myself, I and my imposter syndrome must stop holding the knife stripping myself of my dreams because if my fears. Strong woman wear pain like stilettos, it is why I never leave the house without them, no matter how much they hurt, all you see if the beauty.

XOXO

B

Will it always hurt like this..

The Past

I can feel myself slipping.

I cannot help but be annoyed by myself.

I thought I had the pieces almost put together and it feels as if the whole surface holding the puzzle has completely disintegrated.

I loved M.

Too much.

So much that it would have killed me too.

I got to play pretend yesterday, my favorite game really.

I like to pretend that pain was never real, trauma was nonexistent, and the past wasn’t full of broken memories slipping between my finger tips.

Making the video of M was meant to be for healing but I am afraid it just ripped of the bandaid shielding a bleeding heart.

I am efficiently self aware enough currently that I understand what my brain is attempting to do, it is attempting to hit reset. To self sabotage.

4/4/22

Honestly all I can do right now is laugh.

Logan and I broke up, I fell last night at work, and I lost my book with everything I made last night and have three dollars for my two days off while I am short on rent.

Life what lesson are you trying to teach me in this brutal kickdown?

I am not sure if I turn to self blame or keep the firm belief that everything happens for distinctive purpose?

My stomach aches with hunger and my mind quickly realizes I now do not know where my phone is lol.

O Lord, please help me.

Everyone gets to say, my ex- he was the worst, if you ever see, insert asshole ex here, move that application to the pass on you and hire you never pile and avoid yourself the disaster. My ex ladies and gentlemen, lol no, he died.

I remember joking with L about how anything that happens to our lives feels like some Ashtun Kutcher prank, or some over dramatic movie that is extremely overdone with a plethora of dramatic ridiculous curveballs that make the synchronistic events just completely unrealistic. However, that’s my life- real time, no joke, all bullshit.

That was even before M died.

Which not only did I have the worst last 24 hours laughably I just received an email my dead ex is $530 behind on his phone bill.

Gucci. Oh, mine is 13 days past due too.

Where’s your money you breathing bitch?

Today- I see how absolutely ridiculous my life is. Not in a bad way even though everything that has happened to me lately is- well bad. I just must be special lol. This stuff doesn’t just happen to people. Perception feels like reality when you are in it- I am not letting my demons take me down to hell for me to cry gasoline tears unto the fire inside me. I am however, inviting them to dinner, to make them the best guests with the most magical memories. There will always be the good and bad dichotomy in life, light and dark, angel, or devil- I am always going to have half and half. I am choosing today and forever more. I Brittany, do attest.. please add more or forever hold your peace as we vow now and forever to…anyways I, Brittany, vow to buckle my demons up for the carriage to the ball. In this cinderella story, I am not missing any shoes. I am wearing my best stiletto, my gown is Dolce and Gababnna, my fairy Godmother watched from the stars as I lined my dark red lips and winged my last cat eye headed for the ball we call life with my trained as fuck spit fire ready to spew demons. Half angelic and half sinister, what you receive will be up to you. Truly depends what part of my sweet and savage mind gang you speak to, behave well.

Lol.

XOXO

B

Beauty, Brains, & a Bank Account

The Past

5/22/2021 @ 7:36 PM

May I remind you, dear sweeties, one cannot knock a queen off of a pedestal she built herself. No one has the ability to take away another's happiness, we rob that from ourselves. Thoughts are only thoughts, not substantial evidence of truth.

I am the woman that fixes another woman's crown without needing to tell her it was ever crooked. I am not afraid to put my pride in my pocket because I know my worth. We must never forget how rare we truly are.

Today, I feel oddly at peace today. Like as if I can feel my own energy shift. The full moon is coming. It seems to me when my energy is the highest. It was interesting because I was reading and listening to videos about clairsentients today and one characteristic they mentioned is that people who are clairsentients are heavily impacted by astrology and the moon cycle. On May 26th at 6:22 AM 2021 it will be a full moon. I am trying to really listen to myself, my thought, my feelings. I am trying to identify the habits and patterns I have that is causing me to stay low when I know it is my time to rise. The other day I was listening to something and the person speaking said something along the lines of, "What is yours in the universe cannot be taken from you, everything that you are meant to have will come, your actions, however, may prolong the process, they will not strip you from your destiny." I know by speaking to M, I am keeping myself from healing fully. It is hard. Hard to be okay to not have that comfort. It was never truly comforting though- shall we actually start being honest with ourselves of the reality of the past several years. It was merely a dangerous illusion. I realized I love to fantasize, love to dream, love to live in fairytales in my mind. It is good to have a child-like imagination. Unless those fantasies put you in danger. The danger of what your perception of reality is, the danger of trusting those who should not be trusted, the danger of seeing the evil beings as lights in the world, the danger of believing in someone who never believed in themselves, and danger of trying to save people who would never save you.

I heard my computer beeping to die, as I walked over to plug it in I had a flash back. The days of the studio. I do not even know how I survived. It made me think f the time he hid my laptop charger and wallet- I did not find them for six months. That may have even been the same day I went to the court house and filed a restraining order. I tried to leave. I did. No one knows what my life was like, what it felt like to make that effort for him to shred the papers in my face and tell me that a piece of paper would not save me, that he would always be watching me, he knew where to hide, and if I called the cps again- I would be very very sorry. In his own video taped words, "Do you want me to throw you off of a bridge, to break you in half? " M laughs an evil laugh as he sits naked on the bed stumbling to put on his socks with his dark black evil eyes piercing at me. "I dont want to, but I will." With a look of truth. He meant those words. And I knew he did too.

He hated himself and that caused him to punish me. M punished me for his own inherent hatred. No one knows what it is like to be in a situation where someone gives you the highest highs and the lowest lows but when you confront the reality, you go to the courthouse, you watch the sheriffs attempt to serve him the paperwork, you sleep in a hotel, drop your classes, you reach for any comfort, hope, light. You think you made a step forward and someone laughs in your face threatening to kill you LOL. I can laugh now, but only with a very sharp pain shooting through my heart. I do not know why I loved him but I do remember that I tried to leave. I did not have anyone. M did not leave if you asked him to leave. M did not care when he put me in a chokehold and slammed me on the bed while my family was in the next room with the door open. M did not hesitate to lie to the police officers that showed up after he bashed my head into the concrete to the point I believed I was going to die, he told the police officers attacked him- they asked him why his cuts had scabbed if they just happened (they were from one of his many many bike crashes obliterated over the years). M did not care about human decency, he did not care about anyone but himself, nor would he ever. I would have not believed someone before M that such a person even exists in this world. He took away my rose-colored glasses, he cracked my big heart in half, for the first time, my bitterness is fading & I am okay with the past. And Although M shattered me from the inside out, M made me a warrior, he made me a fighter, he taught me to look fear in the face, he taught me words & promises are the sweetest lies, he taught me to question everything, he taught me to find the truth of this life on my own two feet with my own mind. M made me so cracked, bruised, and broken that as I put myself back together, piece by piece, day by day, I am even slightly concerned about the savage queen I am becoming. May God have grace on anyone that tries to cause me harm because I sure as hell will not.

5/24/2021 6:32 PM

"She is a combination of sensitive and savage."

It seems as if I am in a strange stage of life whereas much as I am living and breathing, I often question if I am actually merely walking among the living, decaying from the inside out; dead. I am either too sensitive or too savage, always wildly naive or dangerously intelligent. I am fragile. Not like a flower though, like a bomb ticking in a gas canister, waiting to explode with the wrong gust of wind. I feel lonely being in my own world, but when I enter into others, I feel even more isolated, misunderstood, alone, & powerless. I am the kind of woman that reads the rule book and the code of conducts before I decide how I will go against the grain and break the rules. Often times, I feel like my mind is a wonderland and I am Alice. As I walk through life I realize that the mad-hatter never gave me the meticulously strategic map to find then end. I feel like I am tequila in a porcelain teacup- no salt or lime and truthfully, I hate tequila.

I laid back and stared at the ceiling. I was so nauseous, tears ran down my cheeks as I tried to numb my physical and mental pain. I wanted to be better, I wanted to be cured, I wanted to be happy. I knew well enough to know I was no done growing. As much as I felt strong, lolI was still so weak. I am so embarrassed to write what I am about to but maybe someday it will help me look back to identify unhealthy habits. I miss Bailey, I hate that I miss him so much. I barely even know him. It is like my heart longs for things it has never known but also something that is not even real. I would probably not even like him but yet I cry over some fairty tale bullshit I concot in my head. I think a toxic trait I enjoy is when I cannot feel happiness, I make myself feel pain- that way I know I can still feel at all.

I just had a full blown tantrum. I was trying to sit on my couch but I can never get enough back support and the cshions never stay against the back of the couch, why?! Beats the hell out of me. It is brand new and I just started sitting on it abut three weeks about and I have had it since November. Anyway, back to the bailey bullshit. I am such a soul connection type of person. It is hard for me to think about how we managed to connect the way we did while we worked remote and its been almost a year and I think we have had a total of four loans together. He is a baby, I hate myself for holding on to him. Just like stefan was my soul mate- gag. I guess, maybe I wont even ever publish this part. Maybe its just for me to feel better but when I talk to him I just feel like he gets me. He probably doesnt- and I feel a sharp pain shoot through my heart when I write that because as much as I hate to think I am unworty of another human being loving me unconditionally for me- if they are even able to see who I am through all the twists and turns of the road map that makes me up, I hate that I could even let myself think of a glimmer of hope one more time to be left in the dark desolate cold. I feel like I am drawn to Bailey in this crazy way but at the same time, maybe it is just the way I let myelf view "him." Maybe reality is a simulation, seems as if I make up all my own characters. Will I ever trust myself again? Trust my intuition? Do I even have good intuition? I think so but I do not really trust myself so I could not say indefinitely.

I guess in my make-believe illusion I am drawn to bailey because I think he embodies a man that is equivalent to me. I love how responsible he is but he is not uptight. I love that he is kind to people and that he cares about the goodness of the world. I love that he is a hard worker and that as much as he loves nice things he is humble. And as much as I could probably keep going I love that he is loyal. I would be really lucky to find a man like him someday, at least the way I perceive him. I remember telling him I was sick of being the girl in the back seat while I watched everyone else get what I thought I deserved. I think what makes it so hard is that I felt so connected to him, so comfortable with him, I mean I met him. I m shocked by that to this dayLOL. I can barely see my family. I want to believe there is something there that likely is not. I understand I probably wont be the girl that keeps him forever even though as I write these words I hope to someday be wrong, be sitting next to him, madly in love, reading him this vulnerably foolish bs. I just do not understand why my heart won't let go of him. I long for him in a way I have never longed for anyone truly. Almost like he holds the ever half of my heart and if I ever want to be fully in this life I would need to be in his arms to be completed. Maybe I would not be s broken if I did not let myself believe in so many different fairytales..

May my heart let go of the things that are not for me, so I can live for what is.

Xoxo-

B

5/25/2021 8:10 PM

You know, today I almost felt like this was my life.

Every day away from M I become a little more grounded. I wont ever be full again. How very boring that sounds anyway. Complete? No cracks? Normal? Average- no thank you. I am so different than any one I have ever met before. Alike to many in some ways

5/27/2021 11:24 PM

"She is divine, she is magic, she no longer needed validation from anyone but herself.

And it was then, she finally lived happy ever after."

Me with inspiration from pinterest

I caught myself today, sneaky me. I heard myself be....myself. I felt myself...be..myself. Who I thought I was anyway. When you really look at life, what is life even? Neurscientists say our brains are simmulations... (insert a better explanation). Go into detail about the existential meaning of life.

I caught myself being bubbly, socializing, acting without the rampid imposter syndrome attrocious thoughts clouding my mental clarity, as I walked through life as a walking panic attack, the way my brain processed life seemed like some slow motion sleep paralysis dream where evil creatures attacked me from every angle from the dark creepy black corners of the room. You know when you try to see things in the dark and it is so dark your mind makes things up, at least you tell yourself whatever weird thing you seem to be seeing is not really, is it thought? Sike, that is a different book. This one is about heart break, searching for my own soul while living in my body on this earth, it is about love, life, lessons, pain, trauma but also on the polar opposite end- it is about winning, conquering, failing but getting back up stronger. I do not have regrets about a single aspect of my life because I know that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I know that every trial, tribulations, traumatic experience, lonely nights I wiped my own tears for most of my life- I know each one of those experiences on my life jounrye had a butterfly effect. Whether it was the first flap of the butterflies wings or the 100 billionth flap of the butterflies wings, it always ends the journey being beutiful. I wuld not want to be the version of me that did not knw this pain. That version of me is weak, arrogant, niave, ...That version of me saw black and white- she did not even know the amount of power and strength that was inside her.

Bow to your highness folks.

Things only lighten up from here.

It is okay to be a saint AND a savage.

xoxo-

B

5/29/21 1:27 AM

I am sitting here in my apartment.

I have candles lit all around me.

My apartment in West Legacy Plano is quite beautiful. I feel like each milestone in my life marked by places I have called home, each home I love more and more. Like I am becoming more and more of who I truly am, deep inside my soul. I watch a myriad of different documentaries about unexplainable things about the world. What I mean specifically when I say "things about the world" I mean unexplained events, paranormal activity, extraterrestrial beings, reincarnation, the meaning of life, soulmates, etc. I feel a way I do not even know how to explain but it is positive but also frightened at how much I believe we as a society do not know. I feel like we as humans are at the bottom of the totem pole. So many therories of reality. It is all just swirling around in my mind. Today, after a week of not speaking. M texted me and said he got a new number. My heart dropped when I saw it but for the first time, deep in my soul, past my heart, I know whatever we had can only be a memory from here on out. For the better. I can proudly proudly say I do not know where I am going but I do believe in life, in God, in the light of the world. It is said to be an empath you chose this life to be a healer, to take on pain for the better good, I wonder truly if this is one of my many lives. If it is, I believe I am an old soul. I know this time is more than ncessary for my journey. I grow ever day. Not every day is easy, I am not always strong, but pain is necessary- I would never be who I am without it- I am proud of who I am. I am extrmely strong, people can think I am waek and I am finally okay with that. Think I am weak, you wuld not survive one day in my shoes love.

And that is why I will win- not because of anything other than the fact I know my heart has good intent, I care about people, I watch the way people treat eachother- the lack of empathy so many have for their fellow human beings, it is peculiar but I know I am different. I know I have protection, guidance, and love from unworldy forces and beings. I have faith in my purpose.

XOXO

B

Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me a million times shame on me..

The Past

First, I want to say on the New moon on June 11th for the first time ever I realized I was the only one that could make me feel better. I have been waiting thirty years to feel that strength. Baby, some days the past haunts you and it hurts so bad. The knives slice my heart, the blood pours all over the floor, but as soon as I reach to wipe it up, it disappears. Pain- I am giving it all to myself by letting my mind be consumed with negative thoughts. Let the past go, hun, there is no place for you there anymore. He hurt you- it still hurts. much much less but it does still hurt. Being broken is a choice, stop giving the bad days space in your life. At this point, it is all on you for who yu chose to be, how you chose to feel, and how you chose to perceive your life. Find that queen savage inside of you. And baby, from me to me- NEVER EVER EVER look back again.

Healing My Soul For My Future Self One Word At A Time

Present

Dear Future Husband

The Past

A life with me wont be easy. Past trauma has taught me to gaurd my heart. I talk back and I stand up for myself. My feelings are eaily hur. I overthink everything and often believing the worst case scenerio. People in my past proved time and time again to be deceitful and untrustworthy. I fight anxiety and depression. I fight the voices of the imposter syndrome in my head each day that tell me I am not enough. I am still learning to fully love myself. To see myself the way that God sees me...

"It is okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again. It is okay to fall apart even after you thought you had it under control. You are not weak. Healing is a mess. There is not time line for healing."

Does that ever feel true... I always wanted to write a letter to my future husband. Don't write it, don't write it, DO NOT...WRITE...IT--- If I ever get one. LOL. I love the pity party bullshit apparently, I think when you do not feel much, you make yourself feel the pain to remember you can even feel anything at all.

The only way to heal is to stop focusing on the past. Here goes my attempt at believing in the future. I never believed I would be sitting here, only God knows where I am going.

Dear Future Husband,

That feels so unrealistic. I will be beyond sweet and sappy but I also need to be raw, vulnerable, and real. At a very young age, I saw unhealthy love and violence, I felt like I had to be the protector. In a lot of ways, I felt like I had to be the man to stand up to the man. I do not know how to let someone help me. I do not know how to let someone take the reins. Sadly, I cannot even imagine trusting someone enough to give them that power and authority. I need a man that makes me feel safe. That sees the sassy sarcastic witty condescending girl on the outside but knows on the inside I am as soft as butter. I would do anything for just about anyone. I am an empath, I can feel many peoples emotions, pains, and feelings. I can read people like a book. Exhibiting that, well-I am terrible at first impressions. I do not know how to show people my sweet side because I was taught, not by my mother, but by just about every other aspect and person in my life tender & sweet was weak. Weak- that was pathetic. I was far from pathetic. I had three brothers, s violent unpreditble father. I played king of the hill in a russian rulette kind of way, not in the innocent childish way. I stood in front of my family to make sure I took the blow, I knew how to make my father so angry he turned on me. I can still see him grit his teeth, wonder if this would be the time I didnt wake up from a blow to the head. I remember grabbing his shirt one time as he was coming after me, twisting it around his kneck knowing I was very well sealing my death, looking dead in his eyes as I saw his yellow gengivitis teeth grit, I remember somehow pshing back hard enough he was almost falling backwards and it gave me a split second to stare him straight away and say, "I am not scared of you."

Angel of Mine

The Past

Now she really was my angel. It is July 25th, 2021. I cannot stop crying. I feel so terrible, I remember seeing her last call and I did not call her back. I always wanted to make sure this was not hw it all happened. The truth is my grandma and I were two in the same. We were both emotional empaths who struggled with the world around us that we never fit into. She understood me and I understood her. We both knew the loneliness life could bear. I was never not there because I did not love her with all of me. I was nt there because I too was fighting for my life. Right before my mother texted me, I was loanding a load of laundry- an angel pendant that said oeace fell out. When I picked it up and turned it over, it was an angle. My grandmother always sang to me about angels when I was younger, that was her saying goodbye before I even heard the news. I loved her with all of me, I wish I could have been stronger for both of us. I wish I could have saved her. I feel like I am justifying my actions of not being there mre with excuses like I was trying to save myself too but I really have been. Hangng on to my own life by a thread. I feel overwhelmed with emotions, with memories. Was this life. Why did she experince so much pain for that to be her ending? Why couldnt I have done more. I was telling Laurn about her earlier Saturday evening, how I would talk to her everyday growing u for at least two hours, that she was my best friend. That we just knew things and had a seacial gift others didnt. I guess when I think about it like that it makes me think of the concept I stumbled on recently that I am a light worker. That I came her on this earth to compute negative energy into positive energy, to take on this life of pain and hardship for the greater good of humnaity here on earth. I believe what I am so was my grandmother. I knew to a high degree the pain and loliness she felt. I knew what it was like to be more emotional than anyone around us could ever understand. And sometimes I was mad at her for not being stronger but sitting her now I know she fought her best fight. I just cannot get over the fact I could not be strong enough to fight for her. I hope she knows I love her so much, I was never noth there because I did not care. Not even for one second.I remember begging my grandpa to buy her a porceline doll growing up. I just wanted her to have that doll so bad. Right now, I just wanted to be able to give her a different life and ending so bad. I cannot understand how evry moment led up to this one. God, please take care of my grandmother, I am going to miss her so much, even though she has not been her in a long time. I know how she felt inside and it breaks me to the core I could not save her. From the day I threw her pill in the pasture to this very day- I only ever wanted to take away her pain and give her genuine happiness. She was beautiful to me, inside and out. Her voice will stay forever in my mind and her beautiful soul will forever be in my heart. I do not want to accept this. Not on tp of everything else going on. I pray she is happy because I know she wasnt. I know her life wwas sad and lonely and just like I use substances to run from reality so did she. I get her more than any other living being, I miss her already, I hate myself for nt clling. I hope she knows how much I love her. How highly I think of her ad how much I wish I could have done and shown it more. I am not ready to let go, I do not want her to leave me. althoug I kneow she never will, I just wantted to be stronger for both of us. God- please take care of her. I just want her to be happy and I want her to know how much I loved her and always will. I cannot wait to see her again, for us to be reunited for eternity. The reality that she came and said goodbye- it breaks me and awes me all at the same time. I love you grandma. You are and always be so special to me, I just dont want you to leave me here alone. I want more than anoyhting to hear her voice when eveyrday befoe I could have- that is what kills me. A part of me wants to go with her, to leave behind this painful life. I just miss her so much already even though I knew a part of her is here with me. I love you grandma. I dont know how to do this life but I just pray you no longer feel pain and lonliness. I just love you so much- you have always been my angel. I hope your soul is free. I would do anything for you and I will hold tight to my heart that we will be reunited someday. Words cannot even express how I feel I just miss you so much and I am so scared to live this life without you...I love you, grandma. Always and forever. When I saw the angel pendant this eveing, I knew it meant so,ething- I just dint think it would be this. May this all be the way it is suposed to be, may you know the love I will eernally have for you, and may your soul be reunited with your loved ones in heaven- I pray God hugs you tight and you fell the joy I always believed you deserved here on earth. I love you, grandma. Forever and always.

Greif

The Present

If you simply cannot understand why someone is grieving so much, for so long, then consider yourself fortunate that you do not understand.

Imagine living with a screaming inside of you but no one hears it. That is grief. What people don't talk about as much is that to heal trauma you have to grieve a lot. You need to grieve the life you didn't have, the love you didn't get, the years you lost, the way you treated yourself and others. We don't like to feel this way, so that's why most people avoid it. They suppress it. They disassociate. They stay frozen in their grief for years and won't even know it. However, it will show up in their lives as depression, stagnancy, and as a disconnection from emotions and relationships. Confronting grief is some of the most difficult emotional work that a person can ever do. It is also the only way through to the healing process because without that grieving, without that letting go, the trauma stays with you. It poisons your body, your mind, and your spirit. It makes you keep reliving and re-creating the past as if it's still present. The only way out of this pain is by deep diving into the emotions that were never safe before for you to feel when the trauma happened. If you can feel those emotions, it's a sign that you are already healing. "You can't heal what you don't feel," has a profound truth in it. When we feel, we remember our souls again. We regain connection to life and all that it is. When we grieve, we heal our hearts and our connection to God and every other being. Underneath all the feelings you don't want to feel is your aliveness, your vitality, your laughter, your love for life and your love for other and your soul. Grieving is a soul retrieval where you dive into the darkness, to recover the truth of who you are.

New Day, New Dawn

The Past

It has been a minute. I do not mean to disappear. From anyone or anything, truly. It just happens, the twist and turns of life inevitabe cause the detattchment, the disasscoiation.

It is July 31, 2021. My heart is aching, it seems it always is and probably forever will be. I want to cry but that only makes the lingering exponentially growing pain more evident. I wish I could cry, I wish my tears would burn my face like the tears were gasoline, my face-fire. I wish the combination of the two would ignite my body, mind, and soul. I wish that as I burned alive, my body would desinegrate to ash, and as wind would unequivocally blow again, my ashes would finally fly freely into this land we call home. It is not home to me, it is a reminder of the coldness, loniliness and bitterness of our time here on earth. Not for everything. For me though, definitely

I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be alive.

I think I may have put this on myself.

By doubting myself by mourning M’s death by taking addy two days

Fuck man

I don’t know

Like everyone is mad at me because of my pain that I don’t fucking want

I don’t want to even exist let alone be punished and be an annoyance for something completely out of my control that I would do anything to fix.

I want to go to work, I just don’t know if I physically can.

Each time I have been debilitated by this pain I have been able to get back up, its just when I’m in the cycles and harsh flare up

I remember vividly deciding in that hospital to leave the broken me there. To let go of the past and the pain.

I have been doing so well.

After hearing of M’s death, hitting another flare up. I have no light left again.

I don’t want to kill myself but I also have nothing to live for.

I finally was able to let go of the past the best I could and the story changed.

I think what hurts me the most right now is the realization that the flame I was able to relight went out again.

I hate life again. And if you asked me what would make me happy, the answer has now returned to nothing.

I tell myself that it is okay to fell the circumstances of the loss of M and the pain of your eye but I have, in another way, fought this same battle for far to long.

I cannot enjoy a cig, I cant enjoy alcohol, I can’t enjoy anything. And I have no idea how to pick myself up off the floor this time.

My dreams aren’t filled with the beauty of falling to my death in such pristine condition anymore. I just dream of getting through.

Let me make it clear I am not in denial that what M and I had was a healthy love. My life has never really been good, so now what?

And that is the question that I so desperately search to answer.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am so grateful for my life. For my family. And for all the things that you have given me.

I fear myself right now. I fear my mind. I fear even my heart.

I pray I find strength. I pray I find the certainty in the actions I make and the roads I take.

I do not want to mess this life up. I want to spread light. I want the life I have always envisioned.

I pray for guidance in the important decisions I need to make for my life.

I pray for the grace in myself that I so easily give to others no matter how much I am constantly misunderstood.

And I pray that I may overcome this debilitating eye pain.

I want to grow into my best self and I pray that I will know how to move forward.

I love thee so very much.

I am eternally grateful for all the times you carried me when I could not crawl.

Thank you.

Please give me strength and light.

Amen.

XOXO

B

I am heartbroken and dead

The Past

I wish the ever lingering desire to die would go away. I wish that I could give my life to someone who could be happy, someone who had loved ones, someone with potential life experience that included happiness. I found out Matthew has a new girlfriend. I am gutwrenched. I think the hardest part is how real my feelings were for him. How deeply I wanted to be special enough to change him. I always knew he wouold move on first. Infact, I even knew that would be the only thing to push me to move on. Some days I feel strong, and then that strength unravels and althoug I shed no tears now. My soul longs to leave this depressing state of desitude of what I call my life. I am so engulfed and enthrawled by this evil manioulative man, B- why?! It is a wuestion I have to ask myself ea ch time the pioercing pain through my heart informs me of the painful trauamtic loss. I know he doesnt deserve my love. However, letting go is the real struggle. God, I beg you to help me know what I can do to free my soul from this illuaion I believed was love. Amen.

She Tells Me The Things That Haunt Her Heart And For A Moment I Too Feel The Cold Shiver Of Ghosts

I have been doing better but today, I am struggling. Seems as if I always write when I struggle, to hopefully work out the pain in my mind that I am so good at shooving deep down inside. I have been pushing away my empathy, I have also been pushing away the part of me that can see, hear, and feel other deminsions and the creatures they hold. I am fighting to surrender to the journey.

You are absolutely capable of creating the life you cannot stop thinking about. Stop living in your head. It is time to make your dreams happen.

Black like my soul. White like my light.

The Past

Dear sweet girl,

It is not the future you are so afraid of it is truly the fear of ever repeating the past.

Some people survive chaos and that is how they grow. And some people thrive in chaos, because chaos was all they know.

-Medusa

You're beautiful because you know your own darkness and still that alone doesn't stop you from finding your own light.

4/11/22

I will always catch myself

Before I fall or potentially have a panic attack- okay lets be honest, a long term panic attack?

No but really, this is meant to be inspirational, sometimes it just takes a second.

As I open up my laptop and stumble to find my password for access in the notes of my phone, I catch myself breathing at such a fast rate at the same time I notice my heartbeat ringing my eardrums.

Sometimes it is nice to be brought into reality for a moment.

The heart racing and ringing throughout my body but especially within my mind has the ability to somehow make time stop for a second to where I actually realize where I am, the magnitude of my present situation, and the location and surroundings of my human body.

I have a genetic mutation for alztimers.

Unfortunately I am worried that with the comorbidity of trauma and genetic debilitating gene I might just be in for a real treat here in about ten to twenty years.

Even today just going to the gas station I struggled to keep the four items with me and in tact.

It is like a part of me drifts away as I live my life. On robot mode, keeping myself functioning but not really being a present contender of the matters.

I can remember so much but then also nothing at all.

I fear someday I may not know who I am, most of the time I already barely do.

Research borderline personality disorder..

Trauma bonds..

Significant factors of chronic ptsd...

XOXO

B

Hex your Ex

The Past

Not all ghosts haunt- some keep you company until you can trust the living once more.

I would have taken a bullet for you but you would not have even taken a papercut for me.

Alexa, play everyone who has played me.

4.11.22

My heart aches for you but you are never coming back. Remember when I told you I never wanted to see you again in this life, the next , or ever? You and I both know that was a lie. I loved you, and I know you loved me. In a sick dedicated way. Sometimes I wonder if you sacrificed yourself for me. I wish it was the opposite. You a brought a light to my life and soul I don’t think will ever be replaceable. No matter how toxic our love was.

I will always hold on to the thought that if you were sober, I might have actually gotten everything I ever wanted.

When that possibility is out of the question because you no longer walk the same green earth as me, where do I go?

How do I find a new light?

The only thing I know how to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other in hopes I eventually stumble on radiant light and pure genuine and graceful love again.

Is it wrong I also hold on to the thought that maybe in the next life I get to be with you?

Probably unhealthy to say the least.

I am doing my best, one foot in front of the other, again and again until I find myself somewhere brighter and hopefully different. In all the beautiful mystical ways that some may refer to as magical that I believe are truly hidden in plain sight gems all around us every single day.

One must open their eyes and perception, soul, mind, body, pain, trauma, etc to truly find the diamonds cut so sharply they blind shining in the suns light right in front of us in our human experience.

The truth burns deep inside.

The Present

Wearing all black today to mourn the death of all my motivation.

The higher I get, the lower I sink. I cannot drown my demons when they know how to swim.

I am reaching for a rope that does not exist.

AHHHH. My true current thoughts. I was doing so well and this life curve ball threw me right back into the boxing ring.

Oh where did you go, I miss you so

Seems like its been forever,

That you’ve been gone.

I have lost count of the number of times in my life I wanted to give up. I am however, still here standing tall.

Woman The Hell Up, Sister.

The Present

Life will get better, it will get brighter, I abolutely promise babygirl.

I should really let my inner bitch come out and play more often because holy hell that demonic savage gets shit done.

Karma Fairy

The Present

Life is good, you should get one.

Dear Karma,

I have a list of people you missed.

Your karma is watching me thrive knowing you lost me.

Do not listen to what people even say behind your back, a lion will never look back when small dogs bark.

The best revenge is none.

Heal.

Move on.

And do not become the people that hurt you.

Holy Chic..

The Past

I think I struggle with where to even begin. First, let me paint the back drop for this story. Me sitting in my house listening to classical music, telling myself I am making progress and I totally am making exponential growth despite being alone daily, anxiety ridden, struggling to restart life when everything being me is truly dead.

My family, broken. Zach, a shard of glass on the floor if my life was a broken mirror and the memories were the pieces, some so faint they did not even seem real. Matthew, he broke me. The crazy thing is, he broke me down to so little I did not even know what was left of me. All I know is I am alive. I breathe everyday, thats about it. Portland, that is a dark place I keep burried in my mind. I have this life, it is beautiful honestly. In so many ways I am winning. Killing it really. Inside, I am still broken. I fight through the pain with the faith that this is part of my journey and this pain HAS to happen for me to get where I am going. Who would I even be without all of this? I would be weak, fragile, submissive, emotional. I would overshare instead of stay silent. I would back down instead of fight for what I believed in. I would run when someone hit me in the face instead of stand up and fight back, I have always been a fighter. I remember looking my dad in the eyes so dead straight one time in one of our physical altercations, seeing his teeth grit, knowing that I may sure be sorry I dare fight back, but starring into his eyes communicating I would only bow down if I was dead. I remember hating tha my mother never left. I would have never guessed I would find myself in her shoes someday. I did not even have children to make me stay. I need to give myself grace though, I was trapped. He took everything from me. There was no safe place, he took my home, he refused to leave. The only way I knew out was to pack a bag and to never look back. To me, leaving before I decided to leave- that was losing. A part of me hates myself for looking at Matt as a challenege. Someone to save. Someone to fix. Maybe I think that if he needed me he would stay. I hate to even think of myself as that weak. Deep down all I ever wanted was stable and consistent love. I have never had that. Every one I ever loved turned their back on me at one time or another. I cannot say that I have always done the people I loved right in every way. Maybe I am wanting something unattainble?

I feel a plethura of feelings and emotions. The only thing I do know a thousand and ten percent, is God is real. God carries me through the days I battle myself to stay alive. Some days I want to die, just because I cannot find any light. I do not know what my purpose is, to be alone, to work, to struggle.I could go out, too bad I am selective and picky. I feel other peoples emotions so strongy that outings drain me. Where is this man of mine? I do not need to be saved. I will never need anyone to save me. I finally learned that lesson. Part of the reason I do not mind the pain but I also just want a little light in my personal life. One person to trust, one person to love. I do not need much. Maybe i could be the same for him, he doesnt need saving, he just needs someone to love and someone to love him back. It is different now, I want someone in my life different than I ever have before. Am I ready? No. I know that. I cannot deny my growth but I still struggle too much to be with my equivelent best verision of me in a man. Is he still growing too? It seems like I am Cinderella trying to get back frm the ball before I turn into a pumpkin. Except I have always been the pumpkin, never even had a ball to go to. This time, may we skip being a Princess because hunny, I promise- even if you do not see it or feel it now, you are going to be the motherf*cking Queen.

xoxo

B

Short-circuit

The Past

I was listening to Dancing by myseIf by Robyn earlier. As much as I love that listening to that song brings me to a place where I can close my eyes and truly dance by myself in my beautiful oddly witchy decorated apartment in West Legacy, I truly feel like I am standing in a glass house banging on the see through windows with blood streaming frim my battered psalms. I bang and desperately wonder why men I want to see who I really am just...can't and quite honestly never do. That has always been my story with men- to laugh or not to laugh, lol? I wanted Zach to understand me and he never did. I wanted M to choose me because I would have picked him in this life and the next and next and next. And with Logan, I thought he did understand me, or so he claimed. However, when he walked away so eaily while gaslighting my reality just like M would it stung. Logan pulled a 180 on me and told me he was not happy and it just did not work out when the time frame and behavior never matched his new words. I beat my hands on this glass, trapped inside, while I watch these men leave me and move on from their lives like I never existed when they were my whole world.

It causes me to see it all in a different light when I explain it like that. I do not deserve to be the girl crying in the corner, or to be the big hearted woman beating on a thick layer of glass. With this heartbreak I am not coming into this chapter with no experience. This time I am not entering the pain battered and utterly broken. I am not damaged goods as some may call me.I am not unworthy of real love. I finally see it from a self-loving point of view. The prespective that I bring to the table has shifted to where I finally see I am the fucking table. These "men" should have been thankful I felt like Bob the Builder and gave them a chance at fixing and loving them. The only man that new my worth on a soul level was M. I hate that his demons took him, not only from me but from this world. M was my person and I am trying so hard to figure out how you move on in this life when the person you loved the most didn't love you enough to stay. M could not love himself. Not to be a hopeless romantic but my light and ability to love died with him. I have to learn to look at life differently. To see myself as someone who deserves way more than being the girl in the corner begging and banging for someone to see her.

This chapter of my life is where I make myself believe with every fiber of my being that I deserve to be loved and idolized.

Damnit M, you completed every part of me when you were sober, you just were not strong enough to stay that way.

M was not strong enough to win the war with the nefarious parts of himself and now I have to learn to be strong enough to let go.

Fight, babygirl, fight.

Please, because you have been through hell and the ending to your story is way fucking better and brilliant than where you currently are. You are not the girl in the corner in a song, you are the fucking song. You are the world and some.

Girl, you are quite actually the galaxy and the universe.

Whipe your tears.

Get rid of the fat inside you.

Build your bank account.

Stop worrying or wasting your time crying tears over the past.

Today is about today.

Do nothing but arise and shine brighter than you ever have.

Suit up Queen.

The real song is about to begin and the center of the stage is reserved for you.

XOXO

Queen b

Chronic Over-Thinker

The Present

Sometimes the reality of everything starts to sink in, I start to panic as if my mind is a box I am stuck in where I can’t breathe and every time I gasp for air I choke a little more. I want to face my pain and trauma but sometimes I am so scared at how badly it truly hurts if I were to allow myself to feel it all. Oh how I would fall so deeply apart. I have to give myself some credit honestly. It was just four months ago I made my first real attempt at suicide. I technically od and committed myself into a psychiatric ward where I literally had to make a run for it when I had the opportunity. I broke. The broken me broke. Everyday I am trying to piece back together the shambles of my life. To beg myself to see light in the darkness of the memories. How do you really live in a world where your best dreams also contained the same person that created my worst nightmares. What about me is so fucked up I am 31 with this story. Why am I constantly and consistently abandoned? Why am I so easy to walk away from over and over again? I am sick of it honestly. And when I start to u travel the pain from the past in sad lonely attempts to process the bullshit I also realize I now have experience with this shit. I finally understand what walking away looks like. Sometimes my mind jumbles and the sting of the harsh truthful reality sets in and I panic but most of the time I’m honest with myself that the only constant in my life will always be change and change only. If you looked at my life on some snap shot slew of photographs in chronological order it would be nothing but highs and lows over and over again containing different human beings. The one constant- no one stays. Everyone is temporary. You die alone so learn to love being alone. It is great and lovely when love finds us in this temporal life but oh how bad it breaks us each time the love ends. Sometimes it isn’t even that love ended just someone we will always love left this human world. I can miss him every day. I can also hate myself for it after how he treated me. I was no innocent princess though and I am so dearly sorry. I gave all of me to keep him though and I knew and know I would have died too if I stayed. We had a sick love. But oh did we love each other. For better and for worse we loved each other. I am sorry and I know he is sorry too. I would give anything to trade him. And I would give my life for five minutes with him. Maybe I am still that pathetic girl that loves a man so much who maybe never really cared but in my heart I believe he loved me just as much he just wasn’t strong enough to face his demons. I pray God wraps his arms around him and gives him the love I never could. And never will be able to even dream of having anything with him ever again. The crack in my heart I feel when I acknowledge that is deep. Deeper than I like to acknowledge. I don’t know where life goes from here. As much as I have had it all I also lost it all. I want to want to revamp but sometimes you just get sad. I want to allow myself the space to be sad, acknowledge it, and learn to let it go. Lift your sweet face my dear child. Life is cold and bittersweet, we love and then we weap. For as much as you feel darkness there is more light, believe in God, believe in life, and believe that there is something really quite beautiful waiting at the end of these lessons.diamonds shine because of pressure and babygirl that is exactly why you will always shine too.

I have so much to say I don’t really know where to begin.

I think I am somewhere called the in between.

Between my old life and my new one.

Dont be scared to acknowledge the past and be strong enough to let it go.

It has been a hard road.

I could have never imagined the road would have turned this way.

But it did.

And that is okay babe

I promise

"I am physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life. I am ready to grow and get better."

Xoxo

B

It didn't kill me but something inside me died that day.

After M's death

Something inside me died that day, and it has'nt been the same since.

I learned how to die over love and over again and bring myself back to life.

Isn’t it funny how the years pass but you stay completely dead inside?

They say it will get better but I have practically lived my whole life trying to pick myself up over and over again.

Here we go once more, where the deep depression sets in and death once again comes knocking at my door. My desire for life is in the negatives. I crave peace in my heart to the point I just want to die. Nothing gives me light. Nothing gives me hope. And each breathing moment is a painful abyss. How do I keep healing myself when I always come back to square one? The only thing that sounds desirable is starring off into nothing and dreaming of death. What a pitiful life. If I cannot save myself no one can, I am scared. Idk how to live and every day is more torturous than the one before. I cannot keep saving myself with God has a plan for me just please let me die. This life of mine has been nothing but disappointment, addiction, and misery. One let down after another. Why would I want to keep going? I can barely make it through each dreadful day and I am sick and tired of disassociating to get through each gloomy painful day. Take my soul, let my body rot, and let me out of this world that is my version of hell.

We love our whole lives just to decompose next to hundreds of passed on fellow humans.

Being an empath a cemetery brings me peace. I can feel the lives of the ones who lay here. They inspire me to live a life they no longer can. I feel their pain. But most of all I feel the positive memories of each tombstone of a someone who used to walk this earth too. People who felt the emptiness I feel, the helplessness. They disgust for life and on the other hand I feel all their best memories of their lives. Their day of marriage. The nights at home they were happy just to be with who they were in the time it was. Time is weird. The present is surreal and the past stings. The perception on life the people buried in cemeteries honestly save my heart and soul.

XOXO

B

She Craved The Type Of Passion That Even Brought The Devil To His Knees

It has been a very long time since I opened this computer got on this specific website and rolled my three hours of sleep together and said lets do this.

Immediate emotion instant panic.

Instant stabbing of the heart that I have worked so hard day in and day out literally not to feel. Why does THIS do THAT to me.

I actually came on her to tell myself how proud I was of you. And I am so proud and I will not allow that trigger that melted my body and stabbed my heart just for trying to get back into this probe my heart into running.

I am currently doing something so very Brittany of me.

I am in a hotel room sleeping next to a man that I have FEELIngs for yall. Oh and this aso is not the first time...

K that in itelf please try to digest as I almost laugh outloud as he snores nextr to me but here is the real catch HE IS 21 and he isnt here illegally

I know that anyone following my story by now is like girl are you like stpuid crazy pretty dead barbie retarded.

And the answer I would like to give to that is apparently like pain is my love language ladies and gentleman.

I wish this man was my person, the one that is to see my scars and still think I am the most beautiful gem in the world but lets be real here. You and I both know with that gap in life experiece he isnt the king to my kingdom. But here you are preciously, sweetly, and handsomely sitting behind me as I hear you breathe laying in the middle of my chaos.

Sorry, again LOL.

I am standing in the ashes in the ashes of who I used to be and my past is essentially dead and my future is absoultely like what in the actualy fuck

Like ooops the person you are trying to reach has very well moved on. I live in Florida now where the sand and I are one because I will never go another day in my life where I dont at least grit on a piece of it. I walk along the ocean shore of the Destin coast into my new life and I let the wind, sand, and waves wash away the traumatic pain of my past which I once even shared these same very shores with the man that I thought was the most gorgeous, most intelligent man. (addition on th ebad stuff breifly).

We however, are never so lost that out angels cannot find us.

Death is not the greatest loss in life and although I am doing oh so much better the greatest loss is what dies withtin us whilr we are forced to still live,

They, them, those before us. They akways told us someday (give corny examples) They would promise us that fairytakes were real, Santa Clause wasnt a pedaphile, and the Easter Bunny wasnt totally some weird BDSM fetish. Those before us promised us that at the end of the day dreams would come true. However, what they frogot to mention was that nightmares were dreams too and us lucky few get the same person in the fairytale and the nightmare.

Dont even judge her walls they keeep her alive - allenmae

And to all my exes that arent dead- you know I was worth all the chaos I brought with me and you fucking know it.

I want someone to look at me and think wow she is worth everything, I understand now more than I ever have if I want that from the man that God is saving for me I have unclench my bloody fucking fingers and nine inch nails out of my codependent tendcys. I am currently reading one of many codpendent books I have purchased to "heal" me like ( funny example) but this one Codependent no more by Melody Beattie is the first one I have read where Melody esentially puts the blame alot on me. She is not saying my life has been perfect and I have never been through disgustingly abusive issues but she is calling me out for who all of that has made me be. And truly due to the way I was raised (mothers day expand on oldest of three brothers both oarents narcs ect.) And that sounds bad, sounds lamost how harshly I soeak to myself however what I truly mean is she is teaching me alot about ym self and my own tendiencis, characteristics, and (blank) that I was so focused on being such a sad victim I didnt realize the damage I was doing to others,

I always knew I self sabtoaged just about anything since losing M but never had I had someone explain all the ways I still need to heal from that and what it truly means to be a codependent.

A co dependent is just as guilty as the abuser and the narc and the alcoholic.

And I cringe writing that senentence and I am going to have to find a way better way to not only explain that but how to ellaborate on it and ALL that.

XOXO

B

Lonely Boy

After M's Death

While you were busy working on your ego, she was busy working on her soul.

Darkness is just lack of light.

Last night, I drove over to L’s. I was wearing lingerie and heals. I suppose somewhere deep down I knew things wouldn’t work out but I have always had the will to dream no matter the amount of times Ive watched them get shattered. I arrived and L was a ghost. I forced myself to cry even though I expected it. Lesson after lesson I continue to learn that I am meant to be alone. Someday I might find a man that will love me and as I said in my video from 2017 to myself- someday you will find someone to love you and that will just be it. The love will be enough for them. I won’t have to be scared. I won’t have to run for my life. I won’t have to be concerned about their sobriety status. I won’t have to fear stepping on the eggshells I wont be surrounded by. When I am looking at my life from afar, watching from behind the glass, I see that in a fucked up way I do this to myself. I love the wrong people. I give my heart to the wrong people. I give my heart to the joker and wonder why he is smirking and producing such an evil laugh. Something about being a Jokers Harley Quinn got me off. No one breaks my heart in reality. My own sick manipulative games I play with myself is the real heartbreaker.

Babygirl- when will you stop. When will you stop looking for love behind deep brown eyes full of emptiness. In a daunting way, its an addiction. They have always been addicted to the thrills of life. The money, gambling, drugs, alcohol. I have always been addicted to the whiplash of their internal pain. You cannot go into an empty cave looking for the light to the sun. You cannot set out on a New moon and look for a Full one. You cannot break your own glasses and wonder why you cannot see or why you continue to be so thirty. My life is a Romeo and Juliet love story. I love the passion, the fire, and fiery but eventually everything gets burnt to dust. Dust that gets taken away with the wind, as if nothing was ever truly there to begin with.

I have God. I am almost ashamed to ask him why, why I am alone, why everyone hurts me, why I hurt myself. Not that I know exactly how to put it into words but I know that I am the one who holds the knife that makes me bleed and cuts every cord, rope, or string offered to me. I am however, learning to dance with my devils and run my circus in a much more efficient manner. I know they aren’t going any where. I am just learning to paint my internal walls in something other than black blood.

I am different. Most people don’t live this life like me, I find peace in that. In the ability to see life through the eyes most will never know, never even be able to fathom even the slightest. You want to feel something so you make yourself bleed. Maybe exchange the knife you hold daily for something less sinister babe. You are a queen, you have your crown, now hold your power. Never let someone show you who they are more than once. Never let someone tell you they don’t want you fifty fucking times. Or are you attracted to those broken souls because it reminds you of your own. Or are you so strong you want to make their darkness light again, continuing to take the bullets waiting for a warm hug. Sweetheart. That hand gun only turns into an automatic weapon- their feathered angel wings aren’t coming out to save you. So please. Save yourself. Take the lessons and the tears and go. Vow to yourself to stop putting your hand in the flame to make sure it is hot. It is fire, baby. Stop getting off on being the gasoline.

If I am to give out compliments today- I would like you to know that you have done a hell of a job creating one wickedly good story. Maybe take the pieces as you go but stop creating the broken glass. These men that hurt your heart are their own worst enemies. They hate themselves and it makes you hate you. Do not take their incompetencies as your face value. You did not wait thirty years for Mr. Right to appear to have anything less than perfection, safety, and without better words- pure and innocent love. Someday you will see why all of these things were meant to fall apart, find the peace in that my dear. Find the peace in that.

Do the things most people won’t do and you will have what most people will never have.

Do not cry, smile because you learned. You learned that no one can wipe your tears better than you. Being with someone only makes you weak. And you- you are far from weak so why would you do that to your precious self? You shouldn’t.

Take care of your body. Love you soul. Comfort your mind. And never look back. The past is dead. There is nothing there for you in it anymore. I promise you that.

Shake thyself from the dust and arise.

Bitch, please.

XOXO-

B

Love Always Prevails, Always

The Present

Soulmates will always end up together. No matter how much love got lost, no matter how much distance there was. You lose each other to find each other again.

Every good and perfect gift is from above.

James 1:17

You Threw Dirt On Me & Flowers Grew

When someone tries me but they have no clue I have lived most of my life in survival mode, battled demons, and have fierce protectors and ancestors rollin with me.

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