Part One

They say time heals all wounds but I cannot promise myself these wounds will ever fully heal but because of where it led me I do not regret any of it.  However, I do often wonder what my life would be like if I would have had the self-respect to walk away when you showed your true colors the first time.  God pulled me out of a pit so I could go back in and get more people out.  Never forget that.  I am learning to love myself out of the dark.  I refuse to be unhappy this year.  It is time I stop operating like everyone's life is more valuable than mine.  Still the same girl, with the same name.  Just a different mindset and a new game.  It took me quite a long time to develop a voice and now I will no longer stay silent.  Same heart, I just know better now.  Everything takes as long as it takes and that includes healing...

Something about M was so addictive.  He was my favorite thought.It rips my heart out to write this.  To go back.  I didn't know what I was getting myself into but I have never been so alive than in this time of my life.  I loved living.  I struggle now.  I cannot think of anything that would make me happy.  I am merely existing everyday trying to get to the next doing the right things to get my life back on track.  But, it freaking sucks.  Everyday sucks.  I do not know how to create a life I like.  It feels so helpless.  How do you make human connections when you are so badly burned from your past?  It is part of the reason I promised myself this blog.  I have to heal and to heal I have to process.  I am scared as shit to relive our story.  I have packed it away for so long.  I want to believe the saying about how only when we are lost can we truly be found but damn I am tired of finding myself.  I want to be found.  I also know doubt is part of the process.  The painful gruling process.  I always believed I just had to escape alive.  No one tells you how long you will spend licking your wounds into recovery after an abusive addict narcissist comes into your life.  The truth of it all is I wouldn't have ever let it be any other way because I wanted it to be him so so bad.  And I am still trying to let that go..sadly, but truthfully.  I fixate on that tiny chard of good there was for us in this life and forget all the times I feared my life.  My brain hits refresh in all the wrong ways right now.  I wish it would learn to refresh the life I have in front of me.  I hope someday I can tell the old scared version of me that I made it.  And I was happy.  Every wish I have ever made was to just be happy. Just be happy for once consistently...in a life I didn't hate living.  M ripped my heart out and I can't tell you if I am ever getting it back..

Back to 2015, M and I had started hanging out outside of the clan, alone.  Besides the time I asked him how much he eats because he looked skinny and he didn't talk to me for a week because he was so upset by this comment (red flag #3) things were really escalating in this situation.  I would like to also say telling a man who works out alot and cares about his physique is not a goot way to flirt.  I unfortunately word vomit when I like someone and often times say the absolute wrong things. 

Stop looking behind you they say, it's only your shadow.  However, don't you have to learn to beat your shadow self to really make it in this world.  Replaying our story in my mind knowing he is gone is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  The good part was so magical for me.  Never processing it all would be impossible to heal and move forward.  I am trying to find the me that lets someone lose me instead of begging someone to choose you.  They say that is truly strength.  I must not fear for fear is a mind killer.  I should know my worth for I have paid dearly for every ounce of it.  Never give up on the things that make you smile...I just need to find the things that make me smile now. I yearn to meet people in this world that don't tear my heart to pieces. In this new era, in this chapter where M is gone and never coming back.  For better or worse..

Sometimes you expect a lot from people because you would do that much for them.  We're not here long enough to be living unhappy.  I wasn't looking to dance but your sould sang and I couldn't resist.  Please don't forget me and all the things we did.  And if it were up to ne I would take everything in this life that has hurt you and erase it from your memories.

He would tell me he was a monster, a beast.  And I should have listened.  But the idea of taming something so wild twirled the fairytale gown in my inexperienced heart.  - Alfa Holder

I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth.  I would know him in death, at the end of the world.  How many centuries deep is your wound? I don't have room on my back anymore for wounds.  If you're going to stab me, you're going to have to do it while looking in my eyes.  I will feel it deeply and express it as violently as I please. We have to stop glorifying the person that we were with.  For some reason all you can think about is how amazing they were and all the good things and you're like, "Oh, remember that time that we went ice skating and this and that."  You have created this exaggerated story and narrative in your head about how incredible it was.  While not even thinking about the fact that you guys fought the whole way there and the whole way back.  Therapists and psychologists say that when you go through a breakup.  You should write a list of why these people weren't good for you.  And I agree with that and you read it when you sit there and exaggerate how this person was so good and perfect for you and it was such a loss and you aren't going to find anyone again.  Focus on the facts.  Whatever you are thinking isn't real, hunny.  It wasn't glorified.  It was horiffying.  But you could break my heart into tiny pieces, and I'd still pick them up and put them back in your hands.

To sacrafice my self worth to be loved by someone who didn't even love themselves, while I tried to love them through their brokenness, it only shattered me.  I know my intentions were pure, I know I couldn't heal them, but I loved and stood by while they tried to save themselves.  "Others can only offer us the depth of intimacy that they have with themselves." -Robert Ohotto.  I'm not embarrassed about my story and what I went through.  In the end, they all drift away, even the ones that promised to stay.  I know everything happens for reason but what the fuck?  I have to remember God is writing my future and it is going to be a beautiful story.  With M I realized I had to let him go eventually.  He was unbothered watching me lose my mind over his destructive behaviors.  I lost myself and realized I was fighting for something that was destroying me.  The truth is that he was broken and I wasn't meant to fix or 

How does it feel knowing that a thief can come and steal your peace because your lack of boundaries gave them permission?  You're just the gift that keeps on giving, a Santa Clause with no Christmas in return.  No excuse should excuse you from not putting yourself first.  What are you scared of your past or something?  Cause what you feel is what you attract so if you assume, or consume the idea you are lacking that is exactly what you will be waking up and having.  Absence for breakfast.  You are a habitual skeptic and a visual paradox being the culprit in question but you keep looking for someone else to blame.  You keep looking for someone else to explain why equivalent exchange does not apply to you and why your peace of mind wont reconcile with you.  God complex with no God inside of you but you want your disciples to decide for you.  

M, are you sorry because I figured you out or because you did it?

I am never the same but I am always myself...

I've seen people with beautiful spirits hook up with a soul that drains them.  Be careful.