Present time
Something about M was so addictive. He was my favorite thought.It rips my heart out to write this. To go back. I didn't know what I was getting myself into but I have never been so alive than in this time of my life. I loved living. I struggle now. I cannot think of anything that would make me happy. I am merely existing everyday trying to get to the next doing the right things to get my life back on track. But, it freaking sucks. Everyday sucks. I do not know how to create a life I like. It feels so helpless. How do you make human connections when you are so badly burned from your past? It is part of the reason I promised myself this blog. I have to heal and to heal I have to process. I am scared as shit to relive our story. I have packed it away for so long. I want to believe the saying about how only when we are lost can we truly be found but damn I am tired of finding myself. I want to be found. I also know doubt is part of the process. The painful gruling process. I always believed I just had to escape alive. No one tells you how long you will spend licking your wounds into recovery after an abusive addict narcissist comes into your life. The truth of it all is I wouldn't have ever let it be any other way because I wanted it to be him so so bad. And I am still trying to let that go..sadly, but truthfully. I fixate on that tiny chard of good there was for us in this life and forget all the times I feared my life. My brain hits refresh in all the wrong ways right now. I wish it would learn to refresh the life I have in front of me. I hope someday I can tell the old scared version of me that I made it. And I was happy. Every wish I have ever made was to just be happy. Just be happy for once consistently...in a life I didn't hate living. M ripped my heart out and I can't tell you if I am ever getting it back..
Past
Do you remember the feeling when you have a crush on someone? It is quite and adorable thing humans experience. We get nervous, we try to impress this crush in silly ways, we get endless amounts of butterflies in our stomach, and we act totally smitten.
By July 2015 I was crushing hard on M. Like head over heals two times and then some. The flirting had rapidly increased. It was obvious we had eyes for eachother despite the circumstances. I remember even teasing my current boyfriend that he better act right or I was going to make M my new man. My boyfriend knew about M from the gym and did not like that joke. And the truth is it wasn't a joke and I was just mean looking back. One thing I would like to say is I was no princess in this story. I was a bitch to my highschool sweetheart of 11 years. Before I continue the story I would like to publically apolgize to him. I cannot even imagine the pain I caused him, he was not perfect but he deserved more respect than I ever gave him. Z had a big heart and I wish I kept it. If I was a smart girl back then I would have made sure to marry that man. Looking back now, knowing all the things life has taught me over the last several years is you do not find men like Z in this world very often. When you do, hold them tight. I honestly still pray for him. I want him to have everything in this world and more. I want him to find the woman of his dreams and for all his aspirations to come true.
I am a Christian. I do believe that what is not for us cannot be given and what is for us cannot be taken. Nothing can be forced and nothing can be undone when it is written in fate. Z was my first love. This man showed me genuine and kind love, an innocent love. Z was so many things to me for so many years, for a third of my life he was my person and I will always hold a very special place in my heart for him. Z was not my forever either though. As far as I know Z is not dating anyone. I often want to reach out and be like, "isn't it funny how we dated from 13-24 years old so we always had someone while everyone around us was dating and dealing with heartbreak and now it is the complete opposite." Everyone has their people and we are the ones that get stuck at the kids table on holidays because we don't have a date lol. My friends tell me that is not going to humor him in any form or fashion after the way things ended between us. I truthfully do not find it funny either just ironic. I am so emotionally intellgient but also clueless. The point I wanted to make and acknowledge was that although I was a victim of domestic violence, I was never the princess in this story.
I hurt alot of people that I cared about tremendously and some of those people I am lucky enough to still have in my life and others not so much. M brought out a person inside of me that I didn't even know and honestly I am still trying to figure out who I am now after all the damage and pain. If you ever heard the phrase, "blinded by love." Oh, I was blinded.
To Z my highschool sweetheart, I pray that God gives you the world. I know that there will never be a good enough apology to cover the pain I caused you. However, I am so so so sorry. And I wish the absolute most amazing things in life to happen to you and pray you live a long life and die a happy man.
I do not want to say I regret the past. I try to live life in the moment as well as the future in a way that I know when I make decisions that I am willing to accept the good and the bad that come from them because I know I ultimately did what I wanted at the time. People say follow your heart but that is trash. In my case, over the last 29 years of following my heart life has not gone well. Deeply broken but regretful I am not. I do believe that God molds us into our best versions through trials, tribulations, and pain. I am currently sitting here writing this chapter lost and scared. I have no idea how to heal. Nothing makes me happy and I break down crying all the time. I do, however, have faith that God has a plan for me and someday I will be able to say, "I never thought I could be this happy."
You and I, we are exactly where we are meant to be in our lives. Whether that be a season of heaven or hell. Hell is where the battle takes place when are in the becoming of being a conquering warrior. Ask me later about the heaven part haha.
With that being said.
Dear Future Husband,
I am currently healing and becoming my best self. I am evolving in ways I never forsaw. Do not get anyone pregnanat while you have to wait over a third of your life for me to pull my shit together. I am coming baby and I am going to make you the happiest man in the world. Please advise if your paitence does not have a time frame. Jokes on you though because God has no time frame and runs everything. You are stuck with me. I cannot wait to rise up to being the woman who inevitably rocks your world..
XOXO
Love always your future wife.
-B
So the next boyfriend joke was really supposed to be a joke. Jokes aren't funny when they are actually true. I always look back on that comment and think, "wow, he really did become my next boyfriend."
Dang, he even changed the whole trajectory of my life.
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