Follow Your Brain

Past

Back to 2015, M and I had started hanging out outside of the clan, alone.  Besides the time I asked him how much he eats because he looked skinny and he didn't talk to me for a week because he was so upset by this comment (red flag #3) things were really escalating in this situation.  I would like to also say telling a man who works out alot and cares about his physique is not a goot way to flirt.  I unfortunately word vomit when I like someone and often times say the absolute wrong things. 

We would smoke with everyone and then M would come over to my apartment complex and we would sit outside at our "spot."  There was a little staircase we would sit on just outside my apartment.  We would do a heavy amount of drugs together and talk until the sun came up.  M had a road bike which is how he got around.  I remember one night he insisted that I try riding it.  This would be the first time M put me in danger and this time it is comical but it is surely not the last time.  I was coked out of my mind and I was wearing ugg boots shaking like crazy, high out of my mind.  I kept saying no and M kept pressuring me.  M was good at that.  I finally broke and decided to ride his bike so he would leave me alone about it.  Mind you the tires are like an inch and I had not been on a bike in years!  He helped me get on and I started to peddle.  I was going straight for a curb with shrubs around it and when I tried to turn I fell flat on my back and got the wind knocked out of me.  M came running over concerned.  As much as I was in serious pain, I was much more mortified that I had just busted ass on a bike in front of my crush.  Like not a low key crush.  The man I would steal and marry if I could.  Maybe that was the drugs talking but even sober I was in love. I can still picture that instance so clearly in my mind.  Mind you, he didn't ever ask me to ride his bike again.  Later in the story, he so thoughtfully ended up getting me my own bike to ride with much larger tires.

The tension was building and we could both feel it.  We decided we should try hanging out sober.  We wanted to see what that would be like and we both secretly wanted to know if we could actually work out as a couple for how crazy we were about eachother.  We both loved the out doors so we decided on a hike on a day off we both had together.  We both bailed the first time with nerves but we planned to go to Angel's Rest (the hike) again and we both actually showed up.  We had a great time together.  I mean, M didn't tell me the hike was straight up for 2 miles but I was with him so I didn't care and the view was magnificant.  I remember I walked first and he made a comment later about how much he enjoyed walking behind me.

After the hike we were both so curious.  So intrigued by this magical connection.  We decided to deviate from the spot one night and to watch a movie together sober.  We picked American Sniper.  We watched maybe half of it before we ended up in my room naked.  This was perfect I thought.  I will sleep with him one time and it will cure me.  I won't want him anymore and everything can go back to normal.  Wrong, our first time wasn't great but it made my feelings for him even stronger.  I remember he left that night and thinking shit, shit, shit.  What did we just do?

Days went on and I realized I had to confess my feelings for M.  I wrote him a long text about how I was catching feelings and I needed to know if this was going anywhere.  I actually still have the exact message somewhere.  Something I didn't know at the time was M's girlfriend read it.  I didn't hear from him and he didn't show up to work.  I was sick to my stomach.  M finally reached out and let me know he was at his parents and his girlfriend had found out about us.  He told me he wasn't coming back to Red Lobster and he was going to live with his parents in Vancouver, WA.  My boyfriend was too busy making AR15's and working out to care what I was doing. You would think though that this situation would have ended things for us but it was just the beginning of our freedom to see eachother all the time.