The Healer Has The Bloodiest Hands

Present

I recently got a new job.  The old one I had was truly the devil's workshop.  One of the first people I met on my first week was a gentleman who was known for graduating our 26 week training program in 12 weeks.  I had heard about this grand achievement and I hoped I would compete with that 12 week goal.  I was standing outside shaking withdrawling from benzos and he came out to smoke.  I asked if I could bum a cig as I tried to hid my trembling body and shaky voice.  Brian, kindly handed me one.  We got to chatting and he helped soothe my anxiety of trying to make it through even the hour with the extreme withdrawing symptoms I was enduring at this new grand job.  I got to pick his brain about how he did it and how to successed here in my new work home.  Being one of two females in a whole office it was clear I had to be ready to play ball with the big boys.  Brian told me his success story and tips and tricks to get my own business going.  I thouroghly am thankful for him that day.  Between the pain I was in mentally and physically he gave me light to this new oppurtunity that was much needed in my life I just had to stop self-sabotaging myself with poor decesions.  But shit, in that moment I was trying to survive the very moment.

I came into work about three weeks later and was told Brian was in critical condition.  Apparently I had missed the first meeting due to being late where my boss had initially said he passed.  I was utterly shocked.  I had just worked with him Saturday and it was Monday.  What the heck happened?  With people my age when I hear of death I initially think drugs.  I have seen to many people go from them.  However, no one knew what happened to Brian.  The week went on and we got no further update.  On Friday, I stopped by a coworkers home and she shared with me that Brian had shot himself in the head.  The gun kicked and the bullet grazed his frontal lobe.  He was currently highly sedated, only knew his name, and could only move one hand.  I sat there high as shit absolutely shocked.  Brian shot himself?  In the head?  To commit suicide?  WHAT??

And then I remembered all the times I wanted to kill myself and die.  I understood that level of pain but I absolutely hated that for him it became so dark he actually shot a gun into his body.  To hold a gun to your head and pull the trigger is deep.  Deeper than I even know and that breaks my heart absolutely crushes it to know someone was in that much pain right in front of me and I couldn't save them heck I didn't even know.  How do we stop this?  This lonely suffering that happens all too often.  We put on these facades and we are dying inside.  Why are we taught to do this?

Past

M was now permanently in Washington at his parents house.  His girlfriend stayed at their apartment during the seperation but they had also just had a baby.  After she found out she decided when their lease was up she would move back to California where her family lived.  I would go pick M up 30 minutes away even if it was just to see him for an hour.  I was in school and working full-time and I didn't have time for much but I always made sure I had time for M.  Most nights after work I would go get him and he would either stay the night or I would take him back the same night.  We continued to hike, go on walks, and do fun things together.  I remember whenever I would take him home I never brought him to his house.  I finally questioned him if he was homeless because I thought it was so weird the places he would have me drop him off.  Turns out it was because his girlfriend was living with his parents too.  That hurt me but I also still had my boyfriend and I didn't have the right to be upset.  All I could do was hope that he would see the magic I felt I had and decide he wanted to be with me.

I releaze this makes me sound awful.  I had a boyfriend and I am running around with another man.  It is no excuse but Z was never there for me.  I was lonely and it doesn't make it right but between how I felt about M and how lonely I was I was just kinda waiting for things to play out I guess.  December came and M told me he was going to California to be with his girlfriend (supposedly ex) and his son.  I was going back to Dallas to have my last Christmas in my childhood home for the last time as my parents were getting a divorce and selling the home.  That alone was hard for me.  I remember saying bye to M before he got on his flight.  He told me he wished we could have seen eachother one last time before we both left and that he would miss me.  That was the last time I heard from him for 2 months.

It broke my heart.  I remember bawling my eyes out when I realized I was blocked.  I remember begging my brother to let me use his phone to try to contact M and just tell him I couldn't believe he was doing this to me.  He had given me no indication we wouldn't talk, let alone would he block me over Christmas.  I cried my eyes out that winter break.  Not just because of M but because I had to say goodbye to my family being together for one of the last times and saying goodbye to a home I loved so dearly.

I cried and cried and made my way back to Portland.  Life went on and no sign of M.  I almost wondered if he didn't come back at all.  I couldn't think of a logical explanation of why the last thing he would say to me was he would miss me and then completely ghost me.  Ya'll I was truly beside myself.  We had a mutual friend I would talk to about it.  He was a good guy, trying to help get me clarity in the situation.  Turned out M was trying to make things work with his girlfriend.  He told our mutual friend he knew he couldn't talk to me because he knew if he did he couldn't be strong enough to stop.  I was devastated.  I was trying so hard to get in contact with him I even called his work ya'll.  I was a stage 6 clinger wondering what the actual fuck had just happened.

"My heart is not a home for cowards."

-d. antoinette foy

Looking back.  I was being a coward too.  I should have broken up with Z when I knew how strong my feelings were for M whether he had me blocked or not.  About two months into the blocking I was taking our mutual friend home from work.  He called M and he answered, he told him he was with me and that I asked to talk to him just for a second and he agreed.  I cried and so did he.  He apologized, explained to me why he did it, but also said he missed me too.  We promised to talk more after I got our friend home.  I have never been so relieved and happy as I was at that moment.  I called him as soon as I dropped of Sehan.  We talked for hours.  That was the first time I just forgave him.  I didn't even care about a sorry I just wanted him back and to never leave again.  I just didn't realize in our story I would always be the dead fly in the black spiders web.