Present time
Sometimes you expect a lot from people because you would do that much for them. We're not here long enough to be living unhappy. I wasn't looking to dance but your sould sang and I couldn't resist. Please don't forget me and all the things we did. And if it were up to ne I would take everything in this life that has hurt you and erase it from your memories.
Past
Z did alot of good things may I say before I go on. My birthday is in Febraury and my bestfriend had come to visit me. For her identity protection I will call her R. He took us out, like nice out out, and paid for everything. I felt like the luckiest girl that day. I just wanted to be sitting next to another man. I know I had a chance at the white picket house marriage being the soccor mom. I want that now but then I didn't. I wanted to be happy just like I still struggle to find in my own life now. I also wouldn't take everything back to have that because I wouldn't be who I am today without my trials and tribulations.
M and I started talking again. Before I knew it I was going to pick him up 30 minutes away every night. I was killing myself to keep up with school to have as much time with him as possible. That was one thing he never really understood is how much effort I was putting in to work full-time, go to school full-time, work out, and do all the driving to have time with him. In a way he expected me to be there when it was convenient for him. Since he had alot of freetime he wanted that same amount from me. That put a myriad of pressure on me from the start. We kept doing the same thing almost everyday to see eachother. I knew eventually I would have to make a decision. I was still with Z but because he never really cared to see me it didn't matter much to me at the time. Looking back I feel awful. We were having problems, for example, him wanting me to denounce my religion and other big issues at the time. I was just distracted too I guess.
In March, M and I were leaving the gas station by the gym and we saw Z. Z stopped his truck starred right at us, honked, and then kept driving. I knew I was screwed. Z was furious. He questioned me prolifically why I was with M, how I could cheat on him, how long it had been going on, etc. I lied ya'll to have my cake and eat it too and I am not proud of it. I told Z not to worry, that I was just giving M a ride and that we had been hanging out but the most we did was kiss and I was so sorry and if he just gave me another chance it wouldn't happen again. I was talking out of my ass looking back, I was just too scared to lose my bestfriend I had had for over half my life.
If only I knew, "All great changes are preceded by chaos." -Deepak Chopra
Z and I had been together since I was 13. He was supposed to be my person but when we got to Oregon he really let me down. The plans of him taking over his dads company crumbled so he could follow a dream of being a personal trainer and the ring I was supposed to get never came just like the Tiffany's necklace he had gotten me for Christmas one year and only showed me the receipt. I felt betrayed. I moved across the country with my own financial stability to be with him again and he was so busy living rent free in his parents basement I became a chore. I remember the day I stopped loving him with my soul. I was going through a lonely depressive episode and we were laying on his hammock on his patio. I was bawling and telling him I felt suicidal. I told him I needed him more. I told him how much I was strugglung. He just layed there. He said nothing as I cried. I can still feel the pain from those tears and how deeply hurt I felt and how much I needed him.. I was always there for him. This happened long before M and maybe this is subconciously why I didn't feel bad about what I was doing. If you can be so heartless to me why should I continue to give my heart to you. Z never got it. I always lived alone and he always lived with friends or family. It was just a different experience for us in our relationship. A change in behavior begins with a change in the heart and I was already feeling like I didn't matter like I had several times. I'm not aa bad person for not ending it with him I was young, dumb, and confused. I had that mentality that M and Z were mine and only fucking mine. Many have images of me but few get the actual picture.
At this time, I didn't care if I fell in love with the devil, as long as that devil loved me the way he loves hell. Not that I knew M was a monster yet but I truthfully was so in love from the beginning maybe that is why it was always so hard to run. M turned out to be the devil and he sure did love me as much as hell if not more. I got my love story, it just wasn't the Disney Princess kind, it was more Freddy Krueger type constantly running for my life. Anyways.. I had been caught. My life was about to get a whole lot trickier. I remember Z all of a sudden wanting to make more time for me. After he left one night, I got on the phone with M. Little did I know Z was waiting outside my door listening to us for 45 minutes. He finally pounded on the door and barged in. Started throwing chairs, breaking things, yelling about how I was cheating on him. With this being about ten years ago at this point it gets hard to remember the details but our fight escalated until the cops came. They ended up just driving Z home because he had been drinking. I felt ignored but I realized I was the cheater. Who was going to side with me? Not that I wanted him to get in trouble but I could tell the cops weren't on my side. That is one thing I do remember.
The reality of the other man started to set in for Zach. He was losing his women to a loser. That is what he thought of M. I've always seen the best in people but maybe this time a little too much. Zach basically told me he was willing to change and to be present in our relationship. He was ready to move in together and we could get all new furniture abd the ring was on the way blah blah blah. By that time, I didn't want to be with Z anymore and this was my out. In April of 2016 we parted ways after 11 years together. One day you're going to wake up and notice that you should've tried. I was worth the fight. And even though you didn't make it to the end of my story, I will always have the corner folded down on your page, because it was one of my favorites. To my dear Z, may my absense give you the peace my love couldn't.
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