Present
He would tell me he was a monster, a beast. And I should have listened. But the idea of taming something so wild twirled the fairytale gown in my inexperienced heart. - Alfa Holder
Your relationship should be a safe haven not a battlefield. The world is hard enough already. I was too in love to see it ya'll. It was destroying me even in these early stages looking back and I believed it was love. Toxic is when they can't let you go but they can't treat you right either. I wish I knew back then that you can't change someone who doesn't see an issue with their actions. If a man hates himself he will always take it out on the woman who loves him. Always remember this. The people in your life should be reducing stress not causing more if it. I think it is important to realize that no matter how good you are to people, it won't make them good to you. Tinkerbell was always there for Peter. And Peter? He chose Wendy. I was always there for M but in the end he chose vodka.
Past
Exes were out of the picture. It was time for us to try to be together like we wanted so badly. M basically lived at my house. I thought we were about to play house but I was in for a real shocker. I was going to Idaho to visit my grandma and M was staying at my house and even though he didn't have his license I was also letting him use my car. The first night I was there M facetimed me naked completely hammered. He was all over the place. I should have left after this ya'll. This should have been my warning sign that the alcoholic part might be something much larger in magnitude than I could even fathom. Why was this grown man acting like this? I can see it so clearly now. He was swinging his dick around in the camera, lounging on my couch, probably putting the phone down to drink more who knows...just weird stuff. This was a red flag to me but I liked him so much I let it go. The second night things got worse. M was fucked up and he called me as he was taking my car to his coke deals house. I just about flipped. I was appalled he would drive my car in that condition and definitely it was not okay that he thought my car was one big escape for him to have access to party. I told him he better immediately turn around or I was reporting my car stolen. After going back and forth and back and forth, M finally turned around. I couldn't believe I had just put myself in that situation and I couldn't believe he would do that to me. My car was strictly for him to get to work and back. My car was not meant to be used for a fucked up joy ride. I was in another state freaking out about my home and my car and all I wanted to do was go home when I was supposed to be enjoying time with family. On the third day, M ran out of gas on the side of the road. I guess since he wasn't used to driving he didnt know what a gas light looked like. He was pissed at me that he had to walk to a gas station buy one of those fuel holders and buy gas and walk back. He was pissed at me. Why when I got home from this trip did I not toss him to the curb was because I was so in love with this man and I thought I had the magic to change him. I thought he wanted to change. That is the saddest part. I thought he wanted us to have the life that I wanted us to have too. Silly me.
I felt so much that I started to feel nothing at all. Telling a woman you love her while hurting her soul and breaking her heart is emotional and psychological abuse. But to my young soul it was love. M stayed with me until I was about to move into a condo downtown with my bestfried Risa. Risa agreed M could move in with me. I knew Gatorade bottles were really vodka and I also learned Snapple was also actually always vodka. I also learned that no matter how good he was at hiding it he almost always got way too fucked up. The worst hadn't come out yet. I just knew something wasn't quite right. We started to get ready to move and I started to get nervous to mix my relationship that was turning into a shitshow with my very bestfriend. Little did I know M would cause me to lose Risa forever.
It was finally moving day. We took load after load over to our new condo on the waterfront. I was so excited. I was going to live with my bestfriend and my boyfriend. Before we could even get settled M started annoying Risa. He would put dirty dishes away messed up. Leave crumbs in the cream cheese. Leave crumbs all over the floor. Eat all our food. And that was just the beginning. M and Risa got home before me so M started to make it look like everything I was saying to her was bullshit and he would cry to her about his son and make himself look like a victim and Risa even started to question if I was the crazy one.
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