First, I want to say it is totally okay to lose yourself once in awhile. I mean Eminem loses himself to the music everyday. In all seriousness though, it is a normal thing most people experience at some point or another. To feel like they are zombies in their own lives going through the motions. Whether it be from grief, addiction, toxic relationships, too much stress and work, etc. Whatever it may be, we all experience it to some magnitude or another at some point throughout our lives. I lost myself dating M. Trying to get some type of happy version of myself back since then has been extremely hard for me. M just caused me to lose my spark. And I miss it.
Sometimes when we give so much we end up losing ourselves in the end. Sometimes, in the process of trying to hold on to someone or something, we lose ourselves. Your sense of self is precious, and it's the compassing guide to your journey. Cherish who you are and nurture your own spirit, because within that you'll find the strength to face any loss and move forward with resilience. Don't lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing you. Among all the things I've lost, I miss myself the most. For all the doors that closed on me, I am coming back to buy the building. I've been lost in a world where I was unsure which pain is worse- the shock of the things that have happened over this last decade or the ache for what never will. This has kept me imprisioned in my own mind. Stuck like a deer in headlights watching the days go by as I do what I can to get through them. That isn't living though and we were meant to live for so much more.
At my lowest all I had was God. My intuition is so strong not only do I know who I am now I know who you are too. I also don't care if it is lonely at the top because it was lonely at the bottom too. It hits different when you know all your blessings are from God as you get back on your feet again. Imagine hurting the girl God sent to heal you. Enjoy that loss. That glow hits different when God turns pain to peace. I have a sad story too. No one cares. We must work harder. Forever humble for what God gives he can also take. Psychology says the root to all suffering is attachment. You know as I have been moving the last couple days I found some of M's old letters he had written to me while he was incarcerated. My heart dropped just seeing the folded up yellow paper. I am still lost because deep down I am still attached to M. After every horrendous thing that man did to me I miss him like crazy. I have to release and live for so much more.
Had I loved me better I wouldn't be in most situations I've been in that have hurt me. I am the softest and most ruthless I have ever been. When you are a strong woman at a young age it intimidates people. I am proud of who I am becoming and God has a lot to do with that. I heard someone say "healing can be so hard when your inner child wants love, your teenage self wants revenge, and your current self only wants peace." I don't care who I lose anymore, as long as I don't lose myself again I am good. Sometimes though it is necessary to lose yourself to find who you truly are. And when you discover your self-worth you will lose interest in anyone who doesn't see it also. First it hurts, then it changes you. Life changes though. You lose love. You lose pieces of yourself that you never imagined would be gone. And then, without realizing it, these pieces come back. New love enters. Better friends come along. And a stronger, wiser you is starring back in the mirror. No matter how bad it gets, better days are always waiting, hoping you'll make it there to accept the smiles and joy that life is then offering. If only I could stop trying to walk away and hold on at the same time. That is the mind at war with your heart.
"Just tired," she said. But you could tell it was not just a lack of sleep but a lack of hope and happiness that made her act the way she did. I hate to surprise you but you're her. Act like it babe. Although healing comes in waves and maybe today the wave hits the rocks. And that's okay darling. It is okay. You are still healing. You were enough, maybe you were too much for someone who deserves so much less. The peace I have now is worth everything I lost. I don't have to be terrified in my own home everyday. I don't have to wonder as to what kind of monster I am coming home too. I no longer have my things taken and hidden from me out of spite. I am no longer barely surviving domestic violence I outlived it. These scars remind me I survived everything that was meant to destroy me. So why not live my love? Take this chance you never thought you would have and find yourself. Find yourself babe, because we were meant to live for so much more we just lost ourselves for a second. Brush off the dust, buckle up our boots, and let's hit this life in all the right ways. You have a heart of gold. So go be golden, cutie.
God has already handled what you're worried about. Jeremiah 29:11
XOXO
B
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