The pills should fix it right? They should numb the pain and make my days bareable. But they don't. Enviornment has alot to do with how happy you are and my enviornment is me, myself, and I with my apartment. It's darkly lonely. How can the pills fix it when this is my life. I've been tight on money so I started escorting. You know what the sad thing is it's that at least my sugardaddies want to spend time with me. Heck, they pay for it. That is the life I have outside of these walls I consider my prison and my lonliness is my demise. I should probably feel dirty after but I feel happy I had something to do with someone and I made money. Eventually I will do a satiracal post about my escorting life but this one is more about being lonely. The hardest walk is walking alone, but it's also the walk that makes you the strongest.
Being lonely is having a heart, but no one to give it to. Please tell me I am not as forgettable as your silence is making me feel. I moved to Utah to be around family. Now my father barely speaks to me. I'm just as alone as I have always been besides my brother. Sometimes even people still make me feel alone. Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Imagine being broke on top of that. It's not the absence of the old people for me, it's the lack of new ones. Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head. I write because sometimes all I want to hear is "I know exactly how you feel." M broke me. But how long do I hang on to that rope? The problem is I don't know how to let go. Right now, I am doing what I have to do to get me, myself, and, I by in this life and keep my place. I am grabbing ropes just not the ones I hoped to be grabbing.
I've never been the most important thing to anybody, not even myself. Maybe that's why I'm so self-destructive. I guess that's what happens when you are alone in your mind 24/7. No friends to confide in and limited family. My only friend is actually in the psych ward. How funny. I also have a bad habit of isolating when I am sad, or depressed which I always am. Part of it is because I don't want to drain the happiness of those around me or burden them with my problems. Another part is because my mental state is so fragile and I don't need anymore negativity to make me feel worse than I do. Can anybody hear me or am I talking to myself? Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart. You can be lonely even when you are loved by many people, since you are still not anybody's one and only. It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible. I feel painfully visible and entirely ignored.
Someone asked, "What is the worst feeling in the world?" I replied, "Feeling all alone in a world full of people." Now I'm supposed to tell you how being lonely is actually great. I just wish I felt that way. I wish someone would have told me that sacrificing my boundries in the name of empathy wasn't noble. I wish they would have warned me that all it would do is make me a safe house for other people's demons. I think empathy has to be taught in two parts, how to put yourself in someone's shoes and see the hurt they were given that made them hurt you and how to understand that you still don't deserve what they're doing, their scars are no excuse for the wounds they give to you, their inability to heal is not something you can fix. If you stay and continue to let them treat you in all these unacceptable ways, if you give them excuses and save places for their darkness instead of demanding they do better the only thing you are teaching them is that you'll put up with it. We wanna live in a world where hurt people don't hurt people but the reality is that starts with you standing up for yourself and not accepting disrespect, you chose to heal, you chose to take the darkness the world gave you and still be a light.
If I had to be completely honest with myself. I'm tired, I'm not physically tired. It's deeper than that. It's in the soul. I'm fucking tired, I'm tired of going through this shit. I'm tired of everything not working out. I've tried I really have but I can't lie and say it's not affecting me. It's not that I don't want to live. It's more like if God were sitting across from me right now, there would be a part of me that would just want to go up to him and say, "Listen, I'm done. I can't do this anymore, I'm physically and mentally spent and I'm done. It's a silent battle too." A battle we hide from the world. From the people we love and from the people we want to love us because who wants a broken person. If they knew, if the people in your life knew how broken we were would they stay? And then that raises the question, how can I fix this? I don't know.
I see you now standing at the threshold of your own revelation, all those years when you felt unseen, unnoticed, and misunderstood, those were not lost. You were purposely hidden, kept in plain sight but sheilded by divine timing. It wasn't that the world failed to see you, it was that God was preparing you, shaping you, and making sure that the unveiling would happen exactly when it was meant to. In the moments that you questioned your worth, in the moments when you wonder why you were being overlooked ot doubted your path, please know this, it was all part of the plan. You weren't meant to be recognized before you were ready. The world wasn't meant to witness your light until you could see it within yourself. You were the stillness in the storm, the whisper of truth in a loud arena full of confusion. You've always has this light, this calling but it took time for you to realize that the beacon you were searching for outside was always shining from within. You were so busy searching for external validation for someone else to confirm what you already knew deep down that for a period of time you forgot to turn inward. Now the veil that once concieled you is lifting, the hesitation, the doubt, and the layers of uncertainty they're peeling away. Revealing the truth that was always there but it had to be revealed to you first. You had to acknowledge your own strength, your own beauty, and your own purpose before the world could reflect that back to you. I know now what I am beginning to understand, I am a mirror. I hold up the truth not just for myself but for others, that's why some people couldn't handle your presence before. It wasn't you they feared it's what you represented, the reflection of their own truth, the parts of themselves that they weren't ready to face. You were never concealed as a punishment, it was preparation, it was training. You were meant to be a lighthouse in a sea of chaos and before you could stand strong and steady you needed to understand the weight of that responsibility, you needed to learn how to carry your light. You were always meant to be a light in the darkness but to do that you had to spend time in the darkness yourself.
I've reached a point in my life where frankly I don't want to get bogged down in the details anymore. If you feel like chatting with me that's great and if not, well that's okay you can't force relationships, wether its friendship or love. I've decided to take life as it comes without complicating it too much. When you try to hard to force things you end up hurting yourself. I learned that the hard way. And by always trying to please everyone I realized that I was forgetting myself in the process. So now I just let things happen naturally. Life is full of surprises, some good some bad but each one teaches me a lesson. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, if something is meant to happen in my life it will and if it doesn't maybe life has something planned. I believe that life has something better for me somewhere else so I keep moving forward with that in mind. Ready to see what tomorrow holds.
One of the biggest things that can steal our joy is looking back at the past and looking too forward at the future. If we are sitting there looking back at what could have been and worrying about the future, am I going to make it? Is my time up? Is this going to work out? We're coming into agreement which is the enemy stealing our joy. Making us worry about the future and the past and we are coming into agreement with the enemy being like okay, yes, have it. Yes I am going to sit her in bondage in my thoughts and I'm going to worry all day. Everytime we start to worry about the past we have to remember what Paul says in the bible, "I focus on one thing forgetting the past in looking forward at what lies ahead," We have to remember through our lonliness that God has a plan for us. And so looking back at the past and looking too forward at the future, that is not of God, that's not what he wants us to do. So everytime we get those thoughts we say no, no. God is doing a new thing in me, I don't have to look at the past and the future. All I have to do is worry about today. And God is working all things together for me why because I'm focusing on him. I don't need to worry. What you are attracted to and behaviors you have will disgust you once God heals you.
Maybe the pills need more than my tears.
Maybe they need my faith in finding a life filled with loved ones.
Maybe I need to be paitent in this time of waiting and to embrace the solitude.
Maybe someday I won't even need the pills at all.
My life is dark right now, but maybe with my own inspiration I can find a shard of light.
May I someday be able to write a happy post, where I am winning.
Maybe someday...
XOXO
B
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