I hope you are sorry. I am too. I went to a meeting on Thursday. The sober you would be proud. I guess that's how you are now right? Sober? I like to think so. I like to think you had to watch our time together like a movie and realize how much I loved you and how badly I just wanted the same in return and I would have done anything to save you. I wonder how you feel about it all. I wonder if on the otherside if you think of me or ever watch over me. You really fucked up my life. I thought it was hard going through the years we were together but the aftermath is so painful too. No one told me how hard it would be to pick up the pieces. Espesically after your death. You know if it wouldn't break me into pieces I would read the letters you used to write me. You always promised this would end different. Look at what you really did. The trauma you put me through will be branded on my heart for life. I am just trying to make it through feeling alive. No one tells you after such severe abuse the amount of healing that comes with it. I am still broken from it all babe. I know it was never really you. It was the alcohol but YOU did those things to me. Things that will forever haunt me. You took my vibrant view of the world and made me a skeleton of a woman. You ripped off my wings to where I don't know how to fly anymore. They tell me to write hard and clear about what hurts but there's so much I don't know how. I miss you, I hate you, I love you, and I needed you. I needed you to be stronger for me. I needed you to fight harder. I remember nights I wanted you dead. I wanted to be out so bad. Now I am and I'm probably less strong now than I was then. You took that from me. A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people's true colors is something you never cared to realize. I had to be on defense mode everytime you came home. The sound of the garage door opening made me sick to my stomach because I knew I had to react to however you acted-and I never knew how you were going to act and I did that for close to seven years. If you think you still love someone even after they repeatedly abused you, don't think your so noble. What you're feeling isn't love. It's a trauma bond. You were all I had. I had no choice but to pack a suitcase and run or stay and deal with you. When it was good it was so good. Maybe that's part of the reason I don't totally hate you. I guess you could say I have Stockholm Syndrome. I think that I miss you but I never really had you, sure we had our good times but almost every night ended the same no matter how good the day started. You got too fucked up. Every night. I knew even with those ankle monitors on you found a way to drink. You just couldn't help yourself could you. You know why I am mad. I am mad because my life is a mess because of you. And yeah they say you have control over yourself and you're in charge of your own happiness but fuck man you killed me from the inside out without actually making me leave this earth, surprisingly. You literally left me here fucked up and alone. How fucked up is it that my bestfriend was the same person that abused me? I'll never get a real apology from you. No, I just have to stay here and try to figure out how to live this fucking life? You got out real easy. I was the one that suffered because of you and I am still suffering because of you. You lied to me over and over and over again. You beat my head into concrete, you broke my ribs, you punched me in the face, you would purposely keep me awake when you knew I had school and work the next day as I sobbed begging for you to stop, you locked me outside in the winter naked, you cut out the lock to my sliding glass door, shall I go on? Look at me now. Look at me. This is because of you. I fight for my own life everyday because of you. You took everything from me. My heart, my soul, and worst of all my mind. And you just get to flutter around on the otherside while I am crucified for your convictions. You left me here with no closure with all these wounds and scars I don't know how to heal. What works for others isn't working for me. I am cut too deep by our past that haunts me daily. I can't enjoy life anymore. What used to bring me peace and joy has left me. I am just a body walking dead through this world. You got to die, but no not me. I had to stay alive. You know I almost killed myself two weeks before you died. Ended up in the psychward and everything, Wouldn't that have been a love story we went through everything we did but we couldn't live without eachother. I survived unfortunately. I wish I was happy about that and all this life has to offer. I'm sure you see all that differently than me. I hope someone plays you a version of life where you got sober and we got married and had kids. I hope someone shows you how good your life could have been with me because I won't ever be able to give myself to someone else the way I gave myself to you. Death and I have become scandelously intimate now for some time. Pick the woman with brusied wings and blood under her nails. She'll show you a thing or two about survival. But even after everything. I miss the shit out of you.
Good bye, Matthew.
XOXO
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