What a year, ya'll. I thought life was supposed to get easier but this year was one hell of a ride. My boyfriend died, I almost committed myself multiple times, I struggled with addiction, I struggled with motivation, I struggled with holding a job, I severed my relationship with my father, I made my car barely driveable by being careless, and I got kicked out of my home right before I leave Utah for five months. 33 wasn't my best year, and truthfully it's been a long time since I've had a good year. I do however, have faith that 34 will be a new incredible journey where the unknown is strong but the potential is emaculate. As I look back, I noticed no one really saw I was leaving and that's when I knew I was finally ready for this whole new life. I leave for Columbus, Ohio in 16 days. It is going to be hard work, I am going to need to be stronger than I've ever been. I need to be emotionally resilient, I am going to need to be a powerful force, I am going to need to find myself again but a better version. And failure isn't an option anymore. No more tears, no more hanging on to the pain of the past. But to find the light in my savior and know that everything is going to be more than alright. As I turn 34, I know for certain it will be nothing like 33. I now have 6 years to pull my life together before 40 and I am ready to fly instead of fall. Trust God even if the answer is wait. I don't know this new me yet, you don't know this new me yet. This time I am putting my pieces back together differently. I have to thank my brothers for being so supportive as I have struggled over this past year. They are the strongest men I know, as well as the most tender hearted men I could ever fathom. I know they love me and would do anything for me and to have that support gives me the strength and encouragement to rise up from the ashes. For once, I am not alone. I have my people and I know who they are. My brothers have taught me to be that kind soul that makes everybody feel like somebody. I want to be strong enough this year to build others up because I know how it feels to be torn down. I have been walking through life in great mourning, I have been struggling, and I have failed and failed. The good thing about failing is the only place to go is up. I would say before today, I was hitting rock bottom. I lost everything I had. But when you lose everything it gives you the beautiful oppurtunity to restart. A flower dies so you plant new ones. My heart broke and now I'm learning to plant new seeds within it. To find a rose in a field of weeds. How do you know you are a goddess? I cried oceans and did not drown. I'm not scared this is all I'll ever be. I have faith in the future. I finally have faith in me. You can only fall so many times before you get sick of being on your knees and you decide no matter the weight it's time to stand up. I can make it happen. If it doesn't bring me income, inspiration, or orgasms, it doesn't belong in my life. I am now healing out loud because I nearly died in silence. I'm celebrating myself loudly this year, and I don't care if nobody claps. I'll clap. Real loud. I don't want to be around people I had to heal from. I am at the point in my life where I want to be loved correctly or be left alone completely. It doesn't get easier, you choose to become stronger. You never forget a person who came to you with a torch when you were in the dark. I will heal so deeply that I will no longer feel the need to make sense of what happened. The people who wound us get no say in how we clean up the blood. The universe will never give you peace in a place you were never meant to settle in. My story is messy, raw, and real. It's filled with moments I wish I could erase. But it's also a story of resilience, finding peace in the chaos, and discovering a grace that saved me. I choose now to live by choice not chance, to be motivated not manipulated, to be useful not used, to make changes not excuses, to excel not compete, I choose self-esteem not self-pity, I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinion of others. I choose to be a new me. I am going to do it for me. Last year, I didn't like how I felt. I wanted differently for myself this year. So, I took responsibility for how I choose to show up. I recognize the cycles I was stuck in. I recognize when I didn't do right by myself. I became aware of my thoughts I had on repeat, I stepped out of my victim mentality, I called myself out on my own BS because I am done letting myself down. I am entering the soft life era. Where I create a life of ease, peace, comfort, and intentional happiness. It does not require struggle, stress, and distress. It consists of boundaries, clarity, and self-care. I will not deal with anything that causes stress in my life or brings negativity into my life any longer. I am leveling up. Do not get addicted to escaping. Face your shit, handle your business, and triumph. No battle was ever won by people who run. You only get to be a victim once, after that you are a volunteer. Everything in my life has changed and yet I'm more me than I've been in a long, long time. Nobody hustles harder than a woman who had to traumatically learn that she can't rely on the people she trusted. I can now see that when things aren't working out the universe is actually trying to save your ass. Had I loved me better, I wouldn't have been in most of the situations I've been in. I am going to be twice the woman I was last year. And four times the woman I was four years before that. If you think you know me, you don't. I am going to be the woman that keeps evolving and becomes unstoppable. Don't let the pretty pictures fool you, I almost died for this life. Happy Birthday to me. 34 will be my year.
Xoxo
B
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