When I say I hope you're okay what I mean is I know you're not okay but I hope that the sadness isn't overwhelming you. That you can see cracks of light in the dark. That the shadows are letting you break and hurt and heal without swallowing you up. And that you know you are not alone, even in the moments where it really feels like you are. Dear healthy people, please don't take that shit for granted, you are seriously blessed. I am constantly in pain. Yes, constantly, every single second. The pain is still there when I'm smiling. The pain is still there when I don't talk about it. When I say, "I'm fine" I have a very different definition than you do. Mental health relapses happen. It doesn't mean all your healing is thrown away. Accept what comes up and remember allowing yourself to feel, even the uncomfortable things, is part of the process. Remember there is nothing wrong with you. You have patterns to unlearn, new behaviors to embody and wounds to heal. But there is nothing wrong with the core of you and who you are. You are unlearning generations of harm and remembering love. It takes time...I lied today and said I was busy. I was busy; but not in a way most people understand. I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy silencing irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing heart. I was busy telling myself I am okay. Sometimes, this is my busy and I will not apologize for it.
Being with no one is better than being with the wrong one. Sometimes, those who fly solo have the strongest wings. I wish that gave me inspiration to live this life. I will never forget how so many let me suffer while enjoying the presence of other people. Suicide is a taboo thing to talk about but suicidal ideation is a very real struggle a plethora of people deal with that stay completely silent about. You will never understand the hell someone struggling with mental health fells inside their head. Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries do die. Having depression is being in an abusive relationship with yourself. I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain what is going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself. Being asked, "Why are you depressed? Life is beautiful!" Is like saying why do you have asthma? There is so much air. Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It is the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hating to socialize. It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely, it is caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's like feeling paralyzingly numb.
I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to have a simple day. Stay alive, feed yourself, wear comfortable clothes and don't give up on yourself just yet. It'll get better. Until then, have a day. It hurts to go through something that kills you inside but you have to act like it doesn't affect you at all. "It is very hard to explain to people who have never known serious depression or anxiety the sheer continuous intensity of it. There is no off switch" -Matt Haig. The anxiety tells you to get up and fight your battles, but the depression tells you you've already lost them. You over-analyze the future while feeling hopeless at the same time. You wake up caring about everything just to realize that nothing matters. And you worry about your appearance when you are too weak to even comb your hair. Anxiety tells you to get up and achieve your dreams or otherwise you will fall behind in life while depression convinces you you're worthless, so there is no point in trying. Depression makes it hard to see a bright future, anxiety makes you think your future is filled with nothing but dread. You fear death but want the pain to leave. It's like constantly being dragged out of a pitch-black room into burning sunlight and then thrown back in the darkness again. Having to endlessly adapt to the changing landscape, every single day.
Depression is like being in a totally round room and looking for a corner to sit in. You don't know pain until you're staring at yourself in the mirror with tears streaming down your face and you are begging yourself to hold on and be strong. That is pain. I am the type of person that will sit in the bathroom and cry, but then walk out like nothing ever happened. It would be too easy to say I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible, and entirely ignored. Anxiety and depression are taboo to discuss however I want to talk about it. Let's get real here for one second and admit this is a societal issue. I want to talk about it damn it. I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to shout about it, but all I can do is whisper, "I'm fine." I am standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take. I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than how I feel.
I miss me. The old me. The happy me, the bright me, the smiling me, and the laughing me. Real depression is when you stop loving the things you once adored. I often wonder who would love a girl with so many scars? I miss my own energy. I used to be so full of life. The attitude came from pain. I wasn't always like this. I found that the things you hide in your heart eat you alive. I wish I was strong enough to never let a snake bite me twice but I can thank my big forgiving heart for that. My head is a very dark place. You cannot save someone who is already dead. And if you save everyone, who saves you? Some days she is a warrior. Some days she's a broken mess. Most days she's a bit of both, but everyday she's there. Standing, Fighting. Trying. Where is my Oscar for acting like everything is fine, just because I carry it well does not mean it is not heavy.
So how do we over come this emptiness that causes us to be a skeleton of the person we once knew filled with emptiness? One thing I will tell you is no one is too broken to be healed. It is going to be a vicious fight to dig ourselves out of our own graves, spit out the dirt, and cough I got this. I have to remind myself, darling, for you to feel this sad, you must have once felt happiness. And you will find that feeling again, and it will be beautiful. Beneath this burden, I'll find my way. Through the darkest nights, to a brighter day. For within this struggle, strength will arise and to conquer these demons we must be intentional about claiming our prize (for depression and anxiety to leave us). I have depression and anxiety but I am stronger than you think. There's a marathon in my head and a storm in my heart and an emptiness in my soul, and I'm still here. I am still here fighting the thoughts that tell me it's time to give up on this life. Nobody ever tells you that emptiness weighs the most. Many of you, like me, have fought a myriad of battles, both internally and externally. Celebrate your strength. Your soul deserves that.
Having a rough day? Place your hand over your heart. You feel that? That is called purpose. You are alive for a reason. Please don't give up. May we learn to use our energy we find at times not to worry but to use our energy to believe, create, trust, grow, and heal. As painful as the journey is be strong, keep looking forward. There is joy on the other side of pain. Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her. Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives. Lana Rafaela says, "I think it's brave that you get up in the morning even if your soul is weary and your bones ache for rest. I think it's brave that you keep on living even if you don't know how to anymore. I think it's brave that you push away the waves rolling in everyday and you decide to fight. I know there are days when you feel like giving up but I think it's brave that you never do."
It takes more courage to suffer than to die.
XOXO
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