To the one that looks at me from the sky, I miss you more than you will ever know.
I woke up crying today. I miss you so much. Your smell, your light, your laughter, your everything. Maybe, forever, was a word meant for memories and not for people. Life is a mirror of your consistent thoughts and well, you are always on my mind. Grief is odd. Like yesterday I looked at your picture and smiled. Today, I cried. I want to go back to a time before it was too late. The wind, the snow, the rain, they all make me think of you. I am religious but I still wonder where you are? Sometimes I even want to believe you are here with me as I try to be strong from the pain that cuts so deeply. If I could talk to you, I would tell you I was trying to date. I know you would be happy for me because you don't want me to be lonely.
It hurts though. Guys come and go and act obsessed until they match with the next best catch and I quickly fall to the back burner. I don't know how I got from number 18 to one with you. You were so good at that stuff. If roles were reversed you would be doing so much better than I am. I have so much left to say to you. I have so much I want to tell you so you can tell me everything is going to be okay. I know you would even make you laugh. And oh, baby, could I use a good laugh.
I have some of your snacks from the night you passed. I can't bear to eat them or throw them away. Maybe it is my way of hoping you come back for them someday and this was all just some big misunderstanding. I found you though. The horror of that will always stay with me and because of that the only closure I have is someday I may see you again but it certainly wont be in this life. My grief hasn't made me stronger, it has made me braver. I have no choice but to learn how to function in the face of this pure fear, bone deep rage, and wrenching sadness. A sadness that can only ever be fully known deep inside the devastated bones of grieving. It is the kind of despair that changes your entire universe overnight with no warning. It has altered everything I thought I knew about myself and the world around me. And everyday I uncover more about what that even means.
I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I wish I had hugged you a little tighter that day. I didn't know it was my last chance. Some days it takes a lot of work to just be okay. I take my days hour by hour to try to get through and even that is too much to bear somedays. The sting of your absence in my life is so deep. I guess the only way I could protect you was to hand you over to the angels. I miss you but heaven is so lucky to have you, honey. Even though I so selfishly want you back with me. I miss seeing your name pop up on my phone. Your hell ended but mine began again. In the short time you were with me, you changed me forever. I hope I am making you proud up there in heaven as I try to put my pieces back together without you because I think I will always be half a breath between the hurting and the healing. Every night I will look up to the stars and hope to find you there. Our last goodbye was never said..I wish heaven had visiting hours as there are moments in life that the human heart just wasn't designed for. It is too bad I cannot love you back to life. After everything Taylor, I would still choose you.
"I will love you for the rest of my life and you will not be here for any of it."
Chloe Frayne
La vita va avanti
I know I have to be stronger than this. So here is my inspirational message to keep going even when you want to quit. Mainly for myself.
Some woman fear the fire and some become it. Which one will you be babygirl? Doubt kills more future than failure ever will. Right now, I need to remind myself of that daily. Just when you think it's too late God whispers..."We don't use the same watch." It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting. I have to ask myself if what I am doing today is getting me closer to where I want to be tomorrow. You are getting distracted again. You got dreams to chase, not people to impress. Wake up. The struggle you are actually feeling is called progress. Due to divine reasons, my light cannot be dimmed.
"To all the versions of me I am not anymore: thank you for helping me bloom into who I am now. I'll always honor each one of you for contributing to my growth, but most of all for passing the crown, applauding each time and rooting for the very best parts of us."
Stephanie Bennett-Henry
If you spend your time chasing butterflies, they'll fly away. But if you spend time making a beautiful garden, the butterflies will come to you. When we focus on improving ourselves, everything we want will come to us. We attract based on who we are, not what we want. Be the kind of person that makes other people want to up their game.
Man will always fail you. They will always leave you. They will always abandon you. They will always disappoint you. They will always come up short but I, God says, will never leave you nor forsake you. He is never going to disappoint us. On the days where is was hard to even take a shower or get out of bed, I kept going. You do not have to stay stuck where you are, God is sitting their waiting. He is literally knocking on your door everyday being like I have so much for you. Come with me. Get out of this situation. Stop looking backwards. Stop looking where you are and look forward. Look to me and let's get out of this thing together. You are not meant to be stuck in this heartache that you are living in right now. You can either make the decision to just sit in it. I know someone very personally who didn't leave the house for many years because they stayed so stuck in their pain. And it is sad. We get so mad at God when he takes things from us or breaks our hearts or breaks us down to the point we can't even get out of bed anymore but I encourage you to break your broken cycle and look up to God. Just as I need too.
XOXO
B
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