It has been exactly a month since you left me. I know your heart would break knowing how hard everything has been for me. How many tears I have shed, how much I miss you, how much of my life I have had to rearrange so our memories do not trigger me. I'm sure you know. I'm sure you do feel awful. Nothing makes it better though. You are still gone and you are never coming back. But if the story's over why do I still find myself writing pages. Life is supposed to go on and it does go on, but it will never be the same again.
In the larger picture, I look back on my life. It has been heartache after heartache. They say God throws you into burning houses to learn to go back and get other people out. Boy, am I learning. I almost cannot afford anymore situations in my life that bring out the worst in me. It's exhausting and requires too much for me to recover from. I need some calmness and gentleness in my life. Anything outside of that I currently do not have the capacity for. I have to remind myself this pain I continue to endure is to help my aura glow. It is so that I can turn my pain into power and light up a city. I must not doubt the light inside me, even on the hardest days. It is here to touch souls. To heal, expand, and activate others. My pain will become my magic. Maybe not yet, but it will. It will make me shine and sparkle so brightly when the time is right. Many will believe it is the light that gave me power but honey, no one will know it is actually my ability to see in the darkness.
Anything I know about strength I have learned from breaking. It is time to break the cycles. Smash the glass ceiling. Find what makes my soul beam with light. Goals huge. Mind focused. Heart big. Prayer game strong. And, attitude determined. My taste in people must change. I must stop wondering if I am good for people and determine whether they are good for me. I must keep in mind there is a clock ticking that we cannot see. Do not settle for a broken life you do not want. Losing Taylor made me realize how badly I want a person. A best friend. He unfortunately could not be that for me. My goal is to finish healing and jump on the dating wagon. Truthfully, I never really have committed myself to dating. I fantasize about what I might actually find. First, I must remember everything that was meant to destroy me made me more powerful. I must remember what I have been through and that my untamed soul will always arise from the ashes. The fire is actually built within me. I must trust myself. I must trust I got this. And so must you.
Just because it takes time doesn't mean it is not happening. An authentic path may take longer but the moves and impact are forever legendary. You glow differently when your confidence is fueled by the belief in yourself instead of the validation of others. Healers like me are not holy beings sent down from the light, they must emerge from the darkness after learning how to heal and radiate the glow of transformation. Shout out to all the women who are choosing to be real and raw and authentic on social media rather than pretending to be perfect just to make a buck or get a like. It is better to admit you walked through the wrong door than spend your life in the wrong room. Sometimes it is the redirection that holds the greatest blessings. Trust the detours even though it is hard, so very hard. And trust yourself enough to take a new path. One that I hope brings you out of comatose and makes you happy.
You're asking for a rose when God wants the whole garden to be yours.
XOXO
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