The devil is coming for my mind. If he can take your mind he can take everything. If your mental state is being attacked you must understand that you have something special, so special, down inside of you. The devil knows that and he does not want what God has put in your path to come to fruition. Looking back on the warfare of my life, I have had of the devil constantly try to keep me down and keep me addicted to things. Constantly repeating to me I cannot do anything about the things that happen in my life. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive disorder, and extreme anxiety disorder. There was a time I could hardly go out in public let alone have a conversation with people. I would have described myself as living in a constant state of heightened anxiety 24 hours a day. Jesus said in the Bible, "The devil comes to kill, steal, and destroy but I have come to give you life to the fullest."
This winter brought me emotional storms. My past has brought me painful trauma. God promises in the bible if we stay strong we can have God's love and light through the deep darkness. One thing I am learning to accept is being in a domestically violent relationship is a choice, a choice I never really felt I had. Once I tell my story people will understand that more but right now I am learning that moving forward I have to have accountability. Having accountability is part of self-growth and part of healing. Of course M was narcissistic and mentally and physically abusive but to be honest I was shown that. I was shown that in the beginning of our relationship and I chose to stay. I chose to let it get so dark I still bleed from it today. I am growing to be a victim of theirs to being a victim of myself. Time is not refundable. I now understand not to waste my time, my life, my health, and my mental state with things that do not serve my greatest good no matter how badly I want someone to be someone they inherently are not. If I going forward chose to stay with someone that shows me red flags that is a direct reflection of myself and my lack of healing. I am doing the healing, I am doing the work, and I understand it comes from childhood trauma and it comes from thinking that this is what love looks like and believing that this energy of narcissism is an energy that makes you feel at home and that love is conditional and you have to sacrifice to be accepted and loved. So when I look back at my story it makes me feel so sad that I did all that I did and I sacrificed everything, I mean everything, just to try to be loved and accepted. If you are not fed love on a silver spoon as a child you will learn how to lick it off of a knife as an adult.
Only I know and only God knows what I have been through. Only we know what it took for me to even get where I am. He knows the battles I have fought. The pain I have endured. And the wounds that still need to finish healing. We forget that God is actually proud of us for facing the storms. I have scars, I am hurt, and I have trauma but I am standing and whatever has tried to take me out couldn't and guess what? It never will through the power of Jesus Christ. May the Lord bless us and keep you, may he make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May he turn his face towards you and give you peace and joy and love. May The Spirit of God fill you up head to toe. I love you all so much.
People with Borderline Personality Disorder do not believe they deserve love. When you have BPD you have something called Intense Episodic Dysphoria meaning we have sporadic instability in our moods. This is different than a typical mood swing. When you have BPD it is a different irritability of mood swings that is more intense than an average person containing aggravation. I say multiple times a day, why am I like this? Due to how many times I can feel the switch inside me about how I feel towards my given circumstance. I lose the ability to function and my brain shuts down and I cannot come up with solutions. Not knowing what the next step is pushes me into a spiral. I am constantly having to try to manage BPD rage internally. When you are constantly having the manage your emotions and it is really hard because you have to be able to bring it down when you feel rage or anxiety throughout your whole entire body. What sucks the most is you know the sudden emotional mood change is irrational. That is what is so annoying is you are aware but you cannot control the shifts.
I am tying this explanation of my BPD into how we are in relationships because it pertains to why we feel we do not deserve love is because when we are like this, we think how could anyone love us when we are like this? And it is crazy because I go through periods where I am like, yeah, relatively stable and I think I am a nice person and I am doing the work to foster family relationships and friendships. However, why I do not think I deserve love is first off because of my unstable self image. Which is weird because I consider myself a very confident person. That is the BPD working within me causing me to work against myself. Part of having BPD is you question who you are and why people care about you and it is a constant thing. Having BPD makes us overthink so much harder than an average over thinker and when we find ourselves in these low periods in general, it really reminds us we may never be loved. We need people who are willing to try to understand us. We need to not be so hard on ourselves when we do go through dramatic episodes because we are aware and we do practice strategies. Acknowledge this is part of our brain, this is not me right now, and we will be okay. If you are someone who has BPD and you feel like you have given up on relationships remember you will meet someone extremely kind in their nature where they are patient with you and love you whole heartedly. We need to learn to pat ourselves on the back rather than kick ourselves down. It is okay to feel like you will never find someone. You will though. We have to remind each other. We absolutely will.
The double edge sword is that sometimes we have to go to war with ourselves in order to fix ourselves. I know it is hard to look within ourselves and see the bad parts that you do not want to see. Sometimes it is hard to look back on our childhood and see where the characteristics came from that you now use as self-sabotage. Sometimes in order to understand why we act the way we do we have to really go back and look into where these characteristics came from in the first place. It is never too late to look at yourself and improve on things. No one is coming to fix you, so fix yourself, babygirl.
God, however, has a plan for you.
XOXO
B
Streams in the Desert
"O restless heart- beating against the prison bars of your circumstances and longing for a wider realm of usefulness- allow God to direct all your days. Patience and trust, even in the midst of the monotony of your daily routine, will be the best preparation to courageously handle the stress and strain of a greater oppurtunity, which God may someday send."
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