He died. He left me here. Taylor was my best friend. We met on bumble in late November. Immediately we hit things off. Taylor was funny, he was witty, and he genuinely wanted to get to know me. The real me. We would talk on the phone for hours. One night, he told me there was a chance he would be going to jail. I didn't really want to hear that so I kinda shrugged it off. We continued to talk. As the court date came closer and closer Taylor got more nervous and I just tried to be supportive. The day of the trial finally came. Taylor begged me to talk to him before bed and right when he woke up and text him during the trial. I was truly hoping for the best. However, the worst happened, Taylor was sentenced to three months in jail because of the number of DUIs he had and the Mother's Act against driving under the influence. I was shocked really. Here I had just met this guy that seemed to be great and I loved talking to him and he was being taken away. If only I knew then what actually being taken away truly meant...
Despite my better judgement I continued to talk to Taylor in jail. We always made sure we got enough money on his books one way or another to talk to each other. When two people are both in dark places and they only have each other to rely on you grow close quickly. Taylor got out for two days in December and we spent that time together. We hustled Door dash and Uber eats to get enough money for a hotel rooms so we could stay together. The comfort was just there with him and together we were willing to work together to solve problems. I loved that. There was no initial awkward stage. We just meshed.
Those two days made me so happy. It made me so excited for when he was finally out and what my life would be like with a best friend in it. That truly means a lot to me in life, to have a best friend. To have one person who truly gets me and I can talk to about anything. I say I am naturally introverted but selectively extroverted and that could not be more true. I love to socialize but it has to be with people I have deemed as comfort to different lengths of extents. Taylor was my favorite level of comfort I have found throughout my life. You never have to try, you just get each other. You make each other laugh when one wants to cry, you lift each other up when one is down, and you encourage each other to continue to grow and evolve in every way. I know how hard it is for myself to open up to even allow people into my life to make connections with them and that is why Taylor was so special to me because it came so effortlessly.
We continued to talk multiple times a day for months awaiting the day he finally got out and we got to be together. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. Taylor always knew what to say or how to calm me down. I cried a good amount to that man and he took it like a champ and was always so tender and kind with me. Taylor always promised me when he got out how much things would change for me because I would have my best friend. We could tackle this painful life together.
After several court appearances, Taylor finally received a release date with good time served for February 21st. We were both ecstatic. Everything we had been waiting for was finally going to happen. The real count down was here if we could just make it a little longer. I was so excited that day, I left work early to go pick up Taylor. I had taken two days off plus the weekend for us to have this magical time. When I picked him up I could tell he was on something but I didn't think too much of it. Taylor asked me to take him to pick up his prescriptions which I also didn’t think too much of. We then stopped at 7/11. I remember I couldn't stop laughing because he takes so long to pick out his snacks and he makes the funniest jokes to keep me patient enough for me to let him. He kept trying to feed me those snacks on the way home about 50 times after I had told him I was not in an eating mood and he had me rolling constantly trying to give me a cookie or put it in my mouth. I saw him take one Xanax and snort 2 which I allowed because I knew he was fighting with his dad and I obviously understand stress and anxiety. When we got to my house he could barely keep his eyes open. I figured he just needed to sleep it off and he probably was tired from the shitty beds in jail. I got him to the couch and he passed out.
I remember I finally went to bed and I kept waiting for him to come crawl in after he sobered up. I was still totally in dreamland my best friend was out and I got to start this new life with someone. People leave but I never thought he would too. Especially not in that moment. I let him sleep in and I finally decided to go wake him up. When I touched him his body was cold. I shook him and his body was stiff. I checked for a pulse, I checked to see if he was breathing... I instantly knew he was dead. I just did not want to believe it. Maybe we could revive him. I thought I saw his eyes move and it gave me hope this was just a close call but he was alive. I kept shaking him to wake up screaming his name. He was already dead though. He left me...
You know you lost your best friend when you have stories with no one to tell. When a good friend dies, all the memories and moments you shared die with them. In this way, part of you dies along with them. You promised me nothing would ever get between us but death did. Some losses rearrange the world. Death changes the way you see life and grief tears everything down. Pain transports you to an entirely different universe all while everyone around you thinks that nothing has really changed. The world just kept turning and I never forgave it for that. Not with me left in it to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart again. The hardest part about losing someone is not having to say goodbye but having to learn to live without them. Always trying to fill the void and emptiness for where your heart used to hold space for them. The only way to live is to embrace grief, for grief only exists where a myriad of love lived first. Now I have to remember you longer than I will have ever known you. Your death sucked the color out of my soul. I have to fight to find that again. And there is now a spot in my heart that will never belong to anyone but you.
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