Love Is Cannibal

Oh damn girl, another heart break already?

I cannot afford another bond with the wrong soul.

He was never mine but losing him broke my heart.

He love bombed me so hard that it almost feels insane that he pulls a 180 degree ahift and really doesn't like you anymore.  

How do we make sense of how quickly he could change up?

How do you get past the pain when you trusted someone with your heart?

We learn to allow people to walk out of our lives when we set healthy boundaries and they refuse to accept them.

We're not really strangers here.  Most of us know this heart breaking feeling in some form or another all too well too pretend we are strangers.

Everyone comes and goes in this life, not even dreams stay forever.  

In life, some chapters have to be turned and some have to be engulfed in flames to burn, baby, burn.

I am a woman dying to be free of her inner demons. When things start to get better, the cycle always begins with the soft hushing of the imposter syndrome. The repetitive roars that troche and brand my mind with detrimental thoughts begin to dissipate. I dig the dark long gnarly rotting nails resting inside me from hell out, one by one, as I rush to break free from a gruesome grasp within my inner corpse. I work hard turning and twisting to free my spine that lays clutched in darkness between my broken wings. As I begin to take back my power, little by little I begin to bleed ever so slightly more, as I pry myself free from the sadistic darkness and demonic death calls. The monsters inside me know that I am a kind woman, but I am also a very dark one. Holding on to trauma and anger, betrayal and lost love, I grab my heart back from the devil’s personal workshop once more. I snatch my colored wings back from my greatest antagonist. I know it is the cycle where I finally learn to let go.  The final time, I inevitably break free from the death grip around my throat, as I scream and gasp for air, I realize I am waking up from a fatal mental fall once more. We experience heart ache all the time. Some more intense, other heart aches easier to pass through. What I currently am experiencing right now, comes after a lifetime of extreme pain. At a darker time, even the brokest broken me broke. I am shook to be once again sitting here, watching another ending cycle as I slowly wake up with the nausea of a sliced and bleeding hurting heart pounding inside me. Parts of me hate myself for being vulnerable and giving someone my heart so easily, someone who unbeknownst blindsided me and put me through tumultuous pain. Yet, parts of me also appreciate the vulnerability I had to give it away after all the painful trying love I’ve endured already. To be broken, so deeply, and still be willing to try to love again is truly a blessing that takes an immense amount of courage. A part of me does not want to see the silver lining in this chapter. This time however, a larger part within me knows I have no choice but to become stronger through another brutal life lesson. We cannot simply stare at our wounds forever. May I learn to paint my canvas with unbroken vibrant colors. May I learn that I will inspire some and trigger others, just as they may do for me, both are medicine. We must pick our poison and learn to live with it. The present is surreal and the past stings. Here I am now lonely and broken hearted. The real question is how do we learn to move on? How do we heal? And, what will you with this life ahead of you?  Surely, you did not fight every prior viscous battle to bow out at the finish line?  So, when it hurts, allow yourself to cry for five minutes. However, after, may you learn to rise up and remember who you are. Have faith in life, have faith in God, and have faith in yourself and your own capabilities. Do not ever let anyone take that away from you, darling. Not even you. We must battle the nefarious parts of ourselves and learn to win every time. Boss up, own your life, and dust off those stilettos, baby. It is your time to truly shine.

I won’t ever forget laying in a hospital bed after being admitted to a psych ward for suicidal ideations, starring at the wall wondering how my life got here.  I was about to be transferred and I realized it was my only chance to run before I was taken somewhere as a ward of the state that I had no clue when I would be let out.  It took four hours of contemplating in a hospital bed, detained if we may say, to ponder if I really needed help, or if I could muster up the strength within my self to live.  I arouse and went to the nursing station.  I begged them to give me my things and one nurse finally gave in.  Nurse Madison said, you have five minutes to run before I have to call the cops and you better not kill yourself or I will lose my job.  I ran faster than I ever had before as I heard the sirens go off as I fled the building.  My phone was dead, I had no charger, and no one even knew where I was.  In that experience, I learned that I did not want to be broken to the point I hated my life.  If only it was that simple.  Ironically part of the reason I was there was the struggle between letting go of my abuser and trying to find a life without my best friend.  Love is quite literally cannibal even if it was abusive.

If I would have gone through with my last suicide attempt instead of seeking help we would have died within two weeks of each other.  We had such a deep obsession with each other we couldn’t live without each other but I knew I would die if I stayed.  It has been a harder journey after his death than living with the abuse daily.  At least the trauma bond we had gave me some highs.  Now it was just lows and immense pain with zero closure.  I think to that time in my life and question how I could even be phased by a hinge guy letting me loose after a few weeks.  It really comes down to wanting human connection so bad with a lifetime partner.  My family warned me not to date, I wish I had listened.  I was doing fine on my own in my own solo world.  I just never expected the outcome time would bring. 

If you ever decide to let them go, just know that that was one of the bravest things, you could have ever done for yourself, you cannot keep rationalizing their behavior, just to keep them in your life a little longer, just to keep loving them a little bit longer, you are the type of person that gives endless chances to people, and accepts them for who they are, not what they have done. So, if you ever decide to let them go, I hope they know it took everything inside you to do so. Discover the hero within you, become the hero of your own epic journey, and remember how much you believe in what is meant to be will be and what is not will not.  Never let those words go and beliefs go with them.

If someone does not want you, do not be pathetic and want them. Only wanting what you cannot have is a sick sick egotistical game. 

It is okay to fantasize and use real people in your life as characters but remember to never expect the make believe characters in the stories of your head to act the same in real life. That my dear, is why you keep breaking your own heart. M, L, S, P- they were just being themselves. You just wanted to believe they were a different version of them, a version of them that did not truly exist at the core of their souls. Their inherent nature is exactly who they showed you babe. Do not let someone moving forward tell you more than once that they do not want you and that they will never care about you the way you care about them. They are uncapable of being true to you the way you are true to them. And because of that is why you are safer alone than believing in the light inside hearts of darkness. You can be the queen of hearts but that does not mean the castle you reign has any hearts you get to keep for keeps. The limit does not exist. Meaning people can come and go, leaving the lessons but all well taking their presense.

View the people that hurt and challenge you as a life assignment meant to teach you a lesson. You must ask yourself:

What is this person meant to teach me?

Every person in our lives has a lesson to teach us to make us more intuitive, stronger, more self-loving, etc.

The magic cannot leave you when it is you.

XOXO-

B