Past
Y'all, I have been dreaming of this moment for a very long time.
The page finally turned in my story, the sad, anxiety-ridden scared socially inept girl that moved back to Dallas finally woke up and remembered who she was. Before M, I had too much confidence. I believed that in any room I walked into I was the best female there. I believed I could take any mans boyfriend because, why would I not be able to seal any woman's man when I was so perfect in every way? People actually told me that my confidence was almost too much, came off condescending and snobby. I cannot say I do not agree, I personally think I would hate myself if I met myself on the street, its a hard life when you think you sound like Snoop dawg but you sounds like M caused me to depreciate into a submissive and timid emotional wreck of a mess. I want to start this new chapter by telling myself how proud I am. I rose from the ashes, wiped the sut from my eyes, coughed the dark demons out one brutal cough after another, I bled out all the gasoline that kept the flames thrashing, When you told yourself back in that video from 2017, fat, ugly, and sad to remember to have faith in God, to remember to have faith in yourself, to remember to believe in life, serendipity, and to believe in good things and to make sure that YOU never let ANYONE take that from you.
If someone told me, in that very moment, after I made that video in that ugly blue PINK Victoria's Secret sweatshirt, that I would be where I am today (4/18/21), I would have surely laughed and gawked in their face. I would have believed to my core that the probability was higher for me to be dead, due to the hands of Matthew Donald Hruby than the probability was of me ever being the queen sitting here writing these words right now. Queen B is finally adjusting her rightful crown. This queen, ladies and gentleman, just hacked her corporate American job like a true boss ass bitch without even having to hack them, the evidence was right there the whole time it's just no one knew where to look. The evidence contained a myriad of snips showing loan assignment histories of 15 loans in my pipeline that was time-stamped clearly showing my mean girl of a manager, as well as the most useless 100k my company ever spent on someone they title a TL, sabotaging me, as well as other unfortunate souls who work on my team, this sabotage went back months. This bitch was really switching out my loans to my detriment, I was called sensitive, I was told I was being dramatic, even told I was obsessing over my work and the treatment I was receiving. I just made waves in the mortgage industry, everyone told me it could not be done, that she had connections wy too high up, I opened up a can of worms with substanial proof, they do not call me B sniper for nothing ;).
I am quite impressed with myself, I gathered so much evidence it was undeniable this chick was purposely and intentionally jepordizing me. I figured out how to pull each processors pipeline, I started pulling every loan in their name and had these snips catogoried by common trends, once gathering more than enough prrof, as much as I love a good rabbit holee I even had to pull myself out, I gathered my thoughts and in my absoulte utter shock I sent a stellar email to the AVP of my division. I spoke professionaly, I never focused on the fact that Mallory was mean, I focused on the transparent display of favoritism and asked for a fair chance with equal dsitribution of lon types in my production job. I wanted the chance to have an equal ppurtunity as the people I was being ranked against month after month. Getting Mallory demoted is my debut, I did what everyone told me was impossible- to get my bully Paris Hilton slave-driving manager demoted. I cannot believe that I am living in a beautiful apartment in Plano, Texas, that I am making 10-20 grand a commission check, that I am losing weight, and deeply soul searching and elvaulating every meticulous detail of my inner and outer being so I can continue to find out who I am.
I really only believed this was, or could only be a figment of my imagination, a fairytale dream that I wished was my life. I can put myselg back in that condo. The plethura of mixed emotions I feel as I utmyself back there of pain, sadness, disappointment, heartbreak, trauma, pain, etc. are overwhelming. I am so sorry that I did that to myself. I never struggled with self love, or I guess I should say I never knew I struggled with self-love until recently. I notice how quick I will go to bat for anyone except for myself. It made me very sad. Seems so obvious now but back then I was just a young girl chasing love. I have to forgive myself for that. In every moment I know that yu did what you thought was best. You were just trying to survive. People call me weak but they truly do not understand how strong I truly am. Most people cannot even work full time and go to school full time. I was able to successfully graduate, eventually, keeping a badass condo on the waterfront while dating an unstable narsasstic drunk psychopath.
I can finally think about things I could not before. To be able even let mysef go to Portland mentally before triggered immese pain and heartbreak that honestly stabbed my heart. I could feel the pain, mentally, emotinally, and even physicaly. The pain is daunting, it consumes my body, and breaks my mental strength, today that pain is piecring but tolerable, I can remember things without crying, I can look back and know that, yes- I wanted it to be him so bad. I would have done anything for that man, no matter how many times he burnt me, lied to me, beat me, and used me as his personal punching bag, I would have been there for him for anything. I remember on m graduation day, he was on a drunk binder, the worst I had ever seen before, he forgot my graduation, I had barely heard from him and I knew he wasnt well but I spent that day pulling any ounze of strength from within to shower and get ready and watch the virtual graduation ceremony and to let myself feel ahy happiness because I had just accomplished something that I literally put blood, sweat, and tears into. M took every good day from me, there is not even one sppecial day that he did not ruin over the past seven years, someday I hope I do not, but today I am so grateful for the exponential growth. I have no idea how I gt here when I look back, blows my mind, causes my disassociation to flare up. God got me here, he carried me when I was too weak to carry myself, he believed in me when I had lost every ounce of confidence in myself that I had worn so elliquently many many years ago,
4/19/21
Today was rough. Friday I was on top of the world and today, Monday, I am having a terrible flare up and I am trying to run as fast as I can to escape the manic darkness, self doubt. and pain pouring out all over what is supposed to be my picture perfect life..
4/22/21
Was this not supposed to be a new chapter full of butterflies, fairytales, and rainbows. I would like to say- BITCH, you bad. I am impressed with myself. I have always had this way about me that I could get away with things that most people never could. I have a way with words, I suppose you could say.
I talked about finding out my manager was sabotaging me and a few other people on my team. Ya'll, words cannot truly express how awful trying to work under her while being sick and sabotaged every dayy truly was for me. I am still hurting. My eyes are puffy, puss and goo coming from every pore. So swollen I cannot see straight. My eyes are black. Whatever this infection is, it is demonic. Whatever it touches when it spews from my pores it eats. It kills the skin. I just have little dry bloody scabs everywhere. It is so hard to do my job which is honestly extremely stressful to begin with on top of this torturous pain.
I told Mallory off last night. I knew for a fact that she had been sabotaging me and she embarressed me and degraded me for the very last time. I told her... insert email.
I had stayed up for two days straight. I am not very mentally stable on low sleep. Truthfully though I think this was all meant to happen. I was meant to have my closure as my temporary new manager our AVP KJ said. I believe that is true. I can close this door and open a new one. I am still stressed to the brink because I am a perfectionist and I am behind, I have not been giving the customer service I normally do, and I do not even know where to start with my dilapidated pipeline.
The thing is, I have so many highs and lows. I did not show up to work today until 3:30, I needed to pull myself to a better place. I also was not super sure if I still had a job since I basically told my manager she was lazy, incompetent, and to go fuck herself.
Truth is, Mallory and I are a lot alike, we probably could have even been best friends if she was not such a cunt.It is a hard realization that so many people do not like me. I may be conceded but no one has ever called me ugly to my face though soooo... I feel like you would kinda know if your perception of yourself was super false, right? Not for everyone, who knows if mine is accurate or not but I feel like I am pretty, I am smart, I am authentic, I am self-sufficient, independent, and when I am in a good place- I own the fucking room no matter who is in it.
I bow to no one.
That stupid girl who came back here almost a year ago, shes dead. Thank God. I never want to be that weak and broken again. I want to be in a place that I second guess nothing I do, think, hear, or say. To take shit from no one. Be second to none.
I do not know why God chose this life for me. I am still trying to figure it out. Is it because I am special? Is it because...literally why? I have such an amazing life- I hate that my heartaches. I can actually feel the crack in the middle. The longing for someone to hold me. I hate typing that. It sounds so silly and weak, so pathetic. Anyone I have ever loved has only ever given me a portion of love back compared to what I gave to them. I havent taked to Matt in awhile. We both knew but didnt know how or what to say. It just happened. He was all I had for so long, it was toxic, it was abusive, it was maddening, and it made me completely unstable. I just feel like so cold and empty inside. I literaly just pulled off some seriously epic shit and I am sad. and the fact I am sad when I am so cool makes me more sad. The real hero is God. I know that I would never be here without him, I know that he carries me every single day. I am not even strong enough to push myself through. I want to be.
I think about what its like to have someone because I never really had M. It feels like a butcher knife just sliced into my heart writing that. The memories are always flashing in my mind like a strobe light. I just want that to stop. Have I not suffered enough yet? Pity parties are pathetic, I hope I am almost to the day I stop throwing them daily. Today, before I went into work, wondering if I still had a job lol. I listened to two of my videos. I am hurt. I have always wanted more than anything to have someone love me as much as I loved them and to have a life companion. I do not even know how to be friemds with someone let alone imagine ever feeling safe around someone again. I think that is what makes me so sad. I do not know how to show the world who I am, I do not know how to show anyone my true colors. Its like you see it or you dont but I never see anyone. I think about all the poeple in the world that are going to sleep with someone next to them, someone in another room in the home, and how few poeple go to sleep night after night alone. It is not the silence I mind, it is the emptiness in my heart. To know how much I loved M and how much he did not give a flying fuck. Looking at my life from the outside for the first time- I feel so much pain that most days I truly want to just die. I just do not know how to even be a nrmal person. I do not know wha could ever make me happy. I mean I just spanked Mallory and I cant even enjy that. I think bc it was a battle I did not even want to fight, I just could not sit on the sidelines any longer while I knew damn well that bitch was stacking my pipeline. She fucked with my money, my mental health, and she kicked me while I was down. That is a big no no. It is truly to bad she is such a fool.Everyone has different levels f common sense. Let us end her story there.
BOW TO NO ONE BUT CHRIST
I know God is real, I have faith in his love and grace. I know thaT God got me her where I am today, somewhere I never thought I could be, I have faith that he has a plan for me. My biggest fear is ruining it. I just wish someone that I loved could give me a hug. I guess I do not think that there is anyone that could even do that, no one I trust enough, no one I feel safe enough, important enough, to even have that- I think thats what I am so sad about. My heart longs for M, but M was a piece of shit who did not give a fuck about me. Not in any way was our love real. He was the closest person I have ever had and it wasnt even real. That, that is truly earthshattering.
There is a part of me that tries to make myself believe I will find my person.
I am sick of that shit.
Be heartless, be cold, be alone, need no one.
When you need no one, you fear no one, and you have nothing to lose.
That my deary- now that is winning and that is real true queen power.
xoxo-
B
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