Pain Changes People
The Past
Later- technically 1/14/ 2021 12:28 am
I think part of what scares me the most is how violently I am switching back and forth.
If I am being honest. I fear the adderall is amplifying my own inherent mental sufferings. This was meant to be postive though. To remind yourself who you are. This is the light inside you talking; even if it is in a bit of a fucked up toxic kind of way. Even I’m truly mind fucked. Being self-aware I know in my own way, I truly love the game. I get bored. When someone challenges me I boss up. I’m challenging me. It’s time to boss up again. No one wins to you B, not even the demons that walk your favorite graveyards inside your head.
It was this guys birthday and we have this bizarre idk what the fuck thing going on. Literally my kryptonite. He’s different. He’s a mind fuck but like in a good way. Really tripping me out. This guy could be the real deal. I’m hard to handle, I’m half of everything, I’m a spitfire but I’m also benevolent. It’s like we can read between the lines with eachother so well but also not at all. I wouldn’t say it’s helping with my disassociation issue but I’m also not hurting it either because I need a light. Even if it’s far away and even a little fucked up.
This guy, we will call P. If someday he becomes my husband well then I better also be a New York Times best seller for this shit because damn, I’m good. I called M before he was mine and a part of me wants to believe I can call my future husband too. Maybe with all the good and none of the bad this time though. Part of me thinks maybe that was truly part of my self sabotaging nature, believing I knew....absolutely anything about the future.
P and I have been friends for a little over a month. We are completely platonic but in a flirty obsessed kind of way. It’s like we communicate in a weird way but we both get without coming out and stating the obvious. We can read eachother between the lines so well but then I feel so lost at the same time. I get bored so easy, this is literally my jam. I always say I want a nice guy but can I even have one? I truly wonder. I listen to the self-help books on dating advice trying to ignore M's release. EVERYTIME a guy does one of those healthy characteristics which builds a foundation for a healthy relationship I am unamused and quite honestly, annoyed. Hit them with the block, self destruct, self sabotage but in a absolute zero desire for them kind of way. P said I have daddy issues. P truthfully says shit to me I wouldn’t let anyone say.
It’s... very different.
P's birthday was on the 12th, he went MIA at work at 8:55 am. Literally cannot that I know the time I sent my last message because this mofo hasn’t even read it. At least he hadn’t when I left work an utter mess earlier. He generally says good morning via phone and work and he sent me a good morning via phone but not work. I didn’t hear from this dude all day at work and we talk all day everyday. He had told me that he would be spending the day with his gf: it goes back to the weird read between the lines thing. I knew he was insinuating he wasn’t going to be able to talk to me much. I didn’t know he was going to ghost me 100 %. P snapped me a few times today and I kept him on delivered just like his dumbass green icon was keeping me at work.
Last night, he posted on his snap story his gf at dinner. I felt like that was him sending a message, he knows I am a savage but that is pretty rough and he has yet to do anything like that. In my mind, he was saying clearly she knows and now I can’t talk to you. I’m okay with that. Literally. I need no one, let me be clear. And I will never again let someone be my number one while I forever remain cemented at number two. Not to alcohol, and definitely not to a girl. Especially when she’s vanilla and I’m Hershey’s chocolate.
M was long gone to me.
I had already cancelled him and had his a second funeral by now. I don’t get dubbed like that. It was laughable. I saw P snapped me again and I was like well this stupid idiot has ghosted me at work and tried to bury me deep in his teams chat but sure can talk to his homie privately so let’s see what he has to say. The last one I had just received was a video of him apologizing for ghosting me at work the past two days, he said he forgot we worked together. Woooow. Shooketh to the core. He knows well enough to know that will destroy me but I won’t show it. I replied back laughing and telling him something along the lines of “dude I am cracking up you just apologized to me, you owe me nothing and I owe you nothing. We talk when we talk and we don’t when we don’t. You live your life and I live mine and when we want to bro out we can. I told him I was glad he had a good birthday and that I saw his girlfriend on his story and she was super gorgeous and good for him.” Never play the playa. Literally needed that. I needed to remember who I was. I’m not weak, I’m a savage. If this idiot didn’t care and “forgot” the 48 hours his gf was staying there then he would have never sent me a dumb video the second she left. Games are my entertainment, I truly love them. In utter shock that he just said that to me, I picked my shattered crown off the floor, superglued it back together, and knew that tomorrow was a new day and it was time to boss the eff up.
To be clear, this man is an equal level playing savage but he is also emotionally intelligent in the sense that he can destroy me always but knows when I can’t handle it even when I’m pretending I can. In the midst of my break down Sunday I asked him a question. I asked him since he is the only dude I talk to a lot what qualities or characteristics I might exert or display that may be a turn off? I asked him this because I figured he was going to tell me some raw harsh truth. He responded saying well, you are attractive, confident, and independent and you probably scare the shit out of most guys because you don’t need anyone. He said most guys will be intimidated by you, I think it’s a good asset.” I was like wow dude you could have just utterly destroyed me and I gave you full freedoms to say even the things he knows are off limits. I thought I wanted to know but he was smart enough to see that would only break me down more. And damnit this is no love story but shit if he can calm my inner demons and light up my warrior fire. I need some light. He knows my pride is everything, he knows that comment sliced tonight but I’m back bitch. Tomorrow is a new day. And I will be damned if I lose to myself one more day again. I’m not saying I never will, but I’m my shattered soul that was so amlessly walking the graves down the street while I sat breathing in silence in my apartment, she came back. I’m whole again. Tomorrow- may God have mercy on my enemies because I sure won’t.
Xoxo ~ B
Convo with M - later
I relayed my feeling for someone else in hopes of him leaving me alone for good and....
M told me to find a guy that didn’t have a girlfriend.
I can’t.
It’s a sickness.
I think I like being the mistress and then taking them away.
Slowly so in the end it’s their choice..
Manipulation is my strength, that’s why you and M were so good together, okay how we became obsessed with eachother.
M you probably never saw it but when you were gone in jail, M, I posted a picture on instagram.
“Sometimes our best dream and worst nightmare have the same people in them. Letting go I scary but being free is beautiful," was the caption.
You will forever be that to me. I think now my heart burns so bad from the way we ended in Portland that I just know that the person I thought was my soul mate was all a figment of my imagination. I remember Raina and I smoking literally like at the very beginning of all that and you were leaving and I still barely knew you but I was like obsessed with you haha. She said, he’s so secretive and mysterious- no one will ever truly know him. Little did I know, seven years later, my heart would be broken and I would honestly question my own reality trying to hang on to any trust in my own perception as to who you were, who we were, and who I was and even am now. I’m strong. I’m battling myself against you. Every day I want to talk to you but I know I can’t. I can’t let you wrap me up on your spider web again. You will always be the black widow in our love story and I will always be the dead fly.
XOXO
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