Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD

Present

Having borderline personality disorder is brutal.

I am self-aware.

However, I don't realize the things that I do until after I do them.

I am not to the point where I can consistently prevent myself from doing toxic things. It is a reflection process when I notice them later then am I able to point out my bpd traits.

Why someone with BPD leaves before they can be left:

People with BPD have a fear of abandonment and we will go to extremes to avoid abandonment either real or perceived. One way we go to an extreme from impulsivity is we leave before we can be left. It makes us feel like we are the ones in control and never have to admit to ourselves that we are not worthy of anothers love. If we leave first we never have to find out the answer of was he going to leave me and what actions of mine caused it.

Having codependency issues:

If you gave BPD than you always have a "favorite" person.

The favorite person is the BPD's life source.

This person controls their emotional stability by depending so heavily on them for their happiness. It can even go to the extent of being physically unable to function without them. Another downfall to having a "favorite" person is it can significantly impacts and amplify our bpd symptoms. More often than not we continue to create unhealthy attachements with ours "favorites." Favorites are fp's. Fp's amplify our symptoms because we base our worth on how our relationship with the fp is going. The fp makes or breaks our day. Our emotions are entirely dependent on them. We obsess/ruminate over them every second of our being, which causes us great fear, especially when we do not hear from them. Distance with our fp causes panic, fear, rage, or a sense that we have been abandoned. An fp is usually our make believe "safe & comfort" person. We constantly seek validation to literally live life from them. Due to the heightened emotions that come with an fp attachement for a borderline, we can equally devalue them, split with black and white thinking, or all-or-nothing thinking.

A favorite person for a borderline can be deadly. It can be a significant other, a crush, a family member, a friend, a therapist, or anyone we interact with daily. We commonly "mirror" them by subconciously taking over their mannerisms, temperament, catchphrases, hobbies, likes, dislikes due to our unstable sense of self, and we often lose sight of who we are in the process.

The Numbness

People with bpd experience either overwhelming emotions or none at all. When their emotions become overwhelming their brain goes into survival mode and their emotions are "gone." Meaning, they are not experiencing any sort of feelings. They basically feel nothing at all.. While their emotions are numbed, they're also disassociating and disconnected from reality.

Things I am sorry because I have borderline personality disorder

I am sorry that I make it so hard to get close to me

I am sorry that I put people through a million different tests to see how far I can go with their boundaries before they abandon me

I am sorry that if they do not abandon me I am always questioning their loyalty and if they love me

I am sorry that I am so destructive towards myself and other relationships and that I do really impulsive dangerous shit that scares people

I am sorry that I come off cold sometimes because I have black and white thinking and I do not understand emotions

I am sorry that daily situations are really difficult and I usually do not know how to handle them