As we all know of Barbie, we can easily envision her driving through the sunny hills of LA, pink covertable top down, blonde perfect hair blowing in the wind, dressed to the T, as she smiles and ponders on the life she "loves." A plastic barbie knows best what emptiness feels like with her plastic heart. It is the strong presentation she puts on for her image but it is far from what she feels in her heart. The rainbows, the sunshine, and the pretty pink attire do not show up for us everyday, not even for Barbie.
Not everyday is going to be a cakewalk.
Loving any of us is a death sentence, isn't it? I've always been the stepping stone, the fixer, the healer, the pit stop, the layover, the one that people find and stay until I've patched up all their holes and then they go on their way to love and live wholeheartedly. What people do not realize is that those patches that I leave them with are actually pieces of me and I think that is why I feel so empty. We often think we are lost in a world where we are truly just craving to be found. We believe everyone has it together but us. Many of us are just broken children living in grown bodies mimicking adult lives. We try to hide our tears and the deep pain that slices our hearts but truthfully everyone has a dark side. Hidden pain and insecurities they lock away in some kind of treasure chest deep in the back of their brain. We must dance with our demons and learn to make them the absolute best house guests. For me, I just want a day where is feels like I am not falling apart. A day where I win the battle. I have to unlearn everything. What I thought love was, what I thought I needed as I wonder if I am ever going to get it right. I have to start over, from the beginning. I won't erase us but I can't keep writing our story. There is someone out there for me and I owe it to them to heal and grow. The only thing I know is I am full of wounds but still standing on my feet. I like the weird people, the black sheeps, the odd ducks, the rejects, the eccentrics, the loners, the lost and forgotten. More often than not those are the most beautiful souls. Are you alive or are you just merely existing? We glow differently when we are actually happy. I have a blank canvus, I get to be whoever I want now. I should stop throwing myself a pitty party.
My problem is I never healed I just kept going. My road has been hard to say the very least. I have been broken in ways many people never will, but what fun would life be if we got to go through it rent free of pain. My body has never had the opportunity to not be in a constant state of flight or fight and it does not know how to thrive without clenching it's nails into some bleeding problem in my life. It is now time to learn what it truly feels like to be alive. I am self aware enough to know I have a long journey of healing ahead of me I just need to learn how to stay in the power seat.
People often say a zebra cannot change its stripes. In 2016, I would have had a rebuttal for that analogy. I did not believe that was true for anyone. I believed everyone was more than capable of putting in enough effort and energy to vanquish any curve ball life was able to throw. I was also still naive enough at the time to believe fairy tales could come true and love could last a life time, quite possibly even eternity. True love, soulmates, twin flames- those were definitely fathomable, right? Monogamy still seemed attainable and the socially constructed image of a healthy marriage was naively normal and I believed anything you wanted in life was merely just mystically at the tip of your fingertips. What I miss the most is how back then, trusting another human being was normal and safe to my psyche. Oh the good old days...
I believed anyone was competent enough to muster up the will power to create proactive change. I believed if a person fought hard enough, they could overcome any addiction, any grief, any pain, and any hardship. Day by day, M took a piece of me away, he slowly replaced my vibrant view of the world and replaced it with dark and gruesome images. He ripped off my wings, he tainted my vision, and he utterly destroyed my big heart. The grip I once had on life was gone and I was only hanging on to life by the smallest fingernail. It was through this painful journey we call life I learned the harsh truth of reality. Truth be, only the strongest souls have the strength to fight off their inner demons. To take them to dinner and make them the very best house guests. Seldom does a soul actually win the war with the devil himself. The monsters we were conditioned to fear under our beds were really inside our hearts, body, and souls. The boogie man lived in the corners of our mind, not in the dark empty space under our beds we thought we should fear. It takes courage to stand up to your shadow self. It is the unconscious parts of ourselves that reap darkness and host the purest forms of evil. The battle between the light and dark of our mind is survival of the fittest, only the fiercest warriors can pull themselves out of moral inertia.
M, he would never be strong enough to conquer his demons. M was weak minded, he crumbled at the sight of temptation. M was manipulative, selfish, and heartless, he would lie to your face even when you held the proof between your fingertips. For me, my biggest mistake was believing everyone wanted to equally win their personal battle with the nefarious parts of themselves. Another of my illusions was believing everyone could be fixed. The biggest eye roll of the long lost list of beliefs truly goes to the one where I believed I was special enough to fix him. Everyone was capable of a come back, right? Everyone was supposed to find their strength and recover from the trials and tribulations of this painful life...or so I thought. The truth in life turned out to be different. The vision of the world my young mind had created was safe. Once the realities of life make their mark, one quickly realizes only the most tenacious living beings can withstand life’s vicious storms. Human existence and the trajectory of each life ended up being much more harsh than my perception long ago. Far and few souls have the strength within to mold the wounds, weaknesses, and pain of life into a display of diamonds. The edges sliced with the sharpest of knifes but the diamonds are perfectly cut as they shimmer in the light.
For seven years, I gave away my kingdom.
I allowed an abusive vodka and cocaine addictted man with no spine rule my life. We will call him M. M had no capaility of selling anything but sweet lies. M beat me, stalked me, loved me, and hated me. It still hurts today. However, the pain is much more dull than it was before. Now the pain is not so much towards him but towards the fear I may stay alone forever due to the scars he left behind after his death, as if I didn't have any to begin with. This is my story about how a strong independent female became a skeleton of a woman. M broke the broken me. If law of attraction is real, this is what I always dreamed of as a child. Being a version of Barbie. Not relying on any man. Ruling my own world. Beauty, brains, and a fat independent bank account. No one will ever fully understand my story but I am finally ready to tell my side. I start at the beginning of it all and talk
about navigating life after severe abuse and the reoccuring cycles that come to play having borderline personality disorder. My writing includes psychological explanations but most importantly it speaks of the taboo unspoken pain, heartbreak, and struggles I believe a plethora of people may relate too going through this life.
One day you will tell that story about how you overcame that battle you went through, and God will send you the exact people who need to hear that story.
There is alot of brokeness in this work, but there is also a great deal of learning to craft your pain into a happy way of living and perceiving life.
Pain is a bitch but we shall succeed.
This is officially the best & worst of barbie, darlings.
Not everyone & everything is always pretty in pink.
However, never stop dreaming until it is your reality.
XOXO-
B
